at Paddington and threaten to pull the bed from under her, in the hope that they should succeed in frightening her and get her to work on MR C. himself.

CCXLVI. BEAU NASH.

A gentleman, meeting Beau Nash, told him that his coat was too short for him. "Ah" said Nash "'twill be long enough before I get another."

CCXLVII. THE LAWYER'S FEE.

A gentleman asked a lawyer if a seven-shilling piece, which he held in his hand, was a good one. The lawyer, having examined it, pronounced it excellent, and having deposited it in his pocket, returned the man four-pence.

CCXLVIII. PRICE OF POULTRY.

An Irishman complained to a poulterer that 4 shillings was too high a price for his fowls, adding that he could buy them in Ireland for six pence a piecc. "Then why did you not stay in Ireland?" said the Poulterer. "Oh," said the Irishman, "because we have no sixpences in Ireland."

CCXLIX. BILLS.

A fashionable spendthrift said he should make a good member of Parliament, for he always ordered his bills to be laid on the table or to be read that day six months.

CCL,

Jacobi Martorellii Neapolitani de regia theca calamaria in regia academia litterarum Græcarum professoris sive MEAANOAOXEINI ejusque ornamentis. 4to, Neapoli, MDCCLVI. Simonii fratres typographi.

This book is a marvellous production of learning: it contains something on every subject, though it professes to treat only of a common ink-stand. I have made £20 by the short essays which I got out of it, since I have been in the Fleet-prison. [E.H.B. 1838.]

CCLI. LONGEVITY.

A rude young Apothecary asked a Clergyman in a loud tone of voice how it was that the old Patriarchs lived so long. "I suppose" replied the clergyman," they took no physic."

CCLII. TOM AND DICK.

"See how this pot runs ; look

ye, Dick,

A jade! to serve us such a trick :

Dang it, I'll blow her up sky-high!"
"Why, Tom, the pot don't run, you lie."
"I say it does; why, look you here;
The table's puddled all with beer."
Says Dick "Confound your hasty tongue;
I'll make you own you're in the wrong;
For can't you see, you squabbling sot,
The beer runs out and not the pot."

CCLIII.. EPITAPH.

For me, deceased, weep not, my dear;
I am not dead, but sleepeth here:
Your time will come, prepare to die;
Wait but a while, you'll follow I.

The husband married again in about a fortnight: upon which a wit wrote the following reply to the Epitaph:

I am not grieved, my dearest life;

Sleep on, I've got another wife;
And therefore cannot come to thee;

For I must go to bed to she.

CCLIV. THE EDDYSTONE LIGHT-HOUSE.

Whilst they were building the Eddystone light-house a French privateer took the workmen prisoners and carried them to France. Louis XIV sent them back with presents, saying that he was at war with England, not with all mankind.

CCLV. TOBACCO.

All dainty meats I do defy,
Which make men fat as swine;

He is a frugal man indeed,
That on a pipe can dine.

He needs no napkin for his hands,
His fingers' ends to wipe,
That keeps his kitchen in a box,

His roast meat in a pipe.

CCLVI. HORE CARTHUSIANÆ.

Jan. 1, 1838. We talked of school-poetry; the Rev. J. S. Brockhurst spoke of a clever poem written at the Charterhouse. The following day he sent to me a copy.

Hast thou, when first Aurora from the Ocean

Brings light to man, (for such was Homer's notion)

In that sad hour oft heard a wondrous sound,

Music above, below, and all around?

Confus'd I wake, "confound it there's the bell!

Oh! who'll tell Russell that I feel unwell?

At length the sad alternative I find,
Either get up or else remain behind:
Remain behind and ten to one I'll bet,

A swinging imposition I shall get.

In fact 'tis downright treason, 'gainst all rule,
Not to be dressed and down in time for school.
Suppose my face half-washed, and hair half-brushed,
Fly to the door; 'tis all in silence hush'd.
No sound is heard from out the classic den,
Save Russell's solitary, loud Amen!'
Prayers over, open flies the hated door;
Now shall I get two hundred lines or four.
The Doctor cries, with honest anger scarlet:
"Parse the four Georgics, slothful idle varlet!
What can I make of such a wretch as you?
You've never read your Homer's Iliad through:
After much rowing, rated as a fool,

At length dismiss'd, I hurry out of school,
Not waiting for the parting admonition
To know Medea or learn the repetition.

Now well greased rolls our longing lips allure,
And the best milk though not exactly pure.
Now for the books-Oh! what is exov?
'Faith I don't know, but here's a Lexicon.
Now then come out and walk you may as well,
No, it's no use, for hark, there goes the bell!
Again in school, again the storm begins,
Again I hear my catalogue of sins.

Sir, I scarce think that even now you see Why in this passage I prefer the Tɛ.

If you had read your notes, you would have seen
Why Brunck rejects the ròv and takes the rý.
Now construe on, Sir,” “ Οίμοι, τί δράσω ;
What shall I do p" (By Jove, I well may say so)

"Sir, you were prompted and you tried to cheat:
As bad as picking pockets in the street:
Go to the bottom and translate the play;
You'll not go out, Sir, on the Saturday.

Now try and scan; now pray now, don't assist him;
His nurse has taught him th' Anapæstic system;
If she has not; she's very much to blame,
And every man of sense would say the same.
The youngest child in any nursery

Ought to have perfect all his prosody.

66 Ταλαινα-α

what, sir! is that the way You'll not translate, Sir, but you'll parse the play. It's scarcely one, I think "-"Yes, sir, it's past ""Well, go in order, but don't go so fast.

You've stepped across a bench, come back and try

To go again with common decency."

You've heard, perchance, to guard against the bile, You after dinner should sit still awhile.

He, who can do so here, must needs be clever,
And learn his de Officiis,' when? why never.
Scarce have you time to cast one hasty look
In hopeless ignorance on the hated book,
When once again from out its brazen throat
The bell sends forth the same unvaried note.
Now for the English idiom-"now sir, read!
Speak loud, distinctly, audibly proceed."
"This duty therefore to all men pertains,
That they should honestly acquire their gains."
"Sir, do you call that reading? I assure you
There's not a beggar that would read as you do.
And Mr Irving tells me by the bye,

You've hit a fellow-creature in the eye
With a large stone: it's no use to deny it,

For Mr Irving says he saw you shy it.

For this offence, Sir, you shall pay most dearly:

Allen, three rods eighteen and most severely."