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DRURY LANE. COVENT-GARDEN. SIR HARRY WILDAIR Mr Elliston, Mr Lewis. ALDERM. SMUGGLER Mr Dowton. Mr Quick. COLONEL STANDARD Mr Burrymore: Mr Furren. CLINCHER, JUN. Mr Collins, Mr Blanchard. BEAU CLINCHER Mr Bannister. Mr Cubit. VIZARD
Mr Holland. Mr Macready. TOM ERRAND
Mr Wewitzcr. Mr Powell. DICKY
Mr Purser. Mr Simmons. CONSTABLE
Mr Maddocks. Mr Thompson. SERVANTS
Mr Fisher, &c.
LADY LUREWELL Mrs Powell.
Miss Chapman. Miss Platt. Mrs Mountain Miss Stewart.
ACT THE FIRST.
Enter VIZARD with a Letter, his Servant following.
Vizard. Angelica send it back unopened ! say you? Serv. As you see, sir.
Vizard. The pride of these virtuous women is more insufferable than the immodesty of prostitutes-After all my encouragement, to slight me thus !
Serv. She said, sir, that, imagining your morals sincere, she gave you access to her conversation; but that your late behaviour in her company has convinced her that your love and religion are both hya pocrisy, and that she believes your letter, like yourself, fair on the outside, and foul within; so sent it back unopened.
Vizard. May obstinacy guard her beauty till wrinkles bury it. I'll be revenged the very first opportunity.--Saw you the old lady Darling, her mother? Serv. Yes, sir, and she was pleased to say
much in your commendation.
Vizard. That's my cue-An esteem grafted in old age is hardly rooted out ; years stiffen their opinions with their bodies, and old zeal is only to be cozened by young hypocrisy. [Aside.] Run to the lady Lurewell's, and know of her maid whether her ladyship will be at home this evening. Her beauty is sufficient cure for Angelica's scorn. [Exit Servant. VIZARD pulls out a Book, reads, and walks about.
Enter SMUGGLER. Smug. Ay, there's a pattern for the young men o' th' times; at his ineditation so early ; some book of pious ejaculations, I'm sure.
Vizard. This Hobbes is an excellent fellow! [Aside.] Oh, uncle smuggler! To find you at this end oth town is a miracle.
Smuy. I have seen a miracle this morning indeed, cousin Vizard.
Vizard. What is it, pray, sir?
Smug. A man at his devotion so near the court I'm very glad, by, that you keep your sanctity untainted in this infectious place; the very air of this park is heathenish, and every man's breath I meet scents of atheism.
Vizard. Surely, sir, some great concern must bring you to this unsanctified end of the town.
Smuy. A very unsanctified concern, truly, cousin. Vizard. What is it?
Smug A lawsuit, boy-Shall I tell you !-My ship, the Swan, is newly arrived from St Sebastian, laden with Portugal wines : now the impudent rogue of a tide-waiter has the face to affirm it is French wines in Spanish casks, and has indicted me upon the statute Oh, conscience ! conscience! these tidewaiters and surveyors plague us more than the war Ay, there's another.plague of the nation
Enter COLONEL STANDARD.
A red coat and cockade.
Vizard. Colonel Standard, I'm your humble ser: vant.
Colonel S. May be not, sir.
Colonel S. This very morning, in Hyde-Park, my brave regiment, a thousand men, that looked like lions yesterday, were scattered, and looked as poorand simple as the herd of deer that grazed beside them.
Smug. Tal, al deral. [Singing:] I'll have a bonfire this night as high as the monument.
Colonel S. A bonfire ! Thou dry, withered, ill-nature; had not those brave fellows' swords defended you, your house had been a bonfire ere this, about your ears ? Did we not venture our lives, sir ?
Smug. And did we not pay for your lives, sir ?Venture
lives! I'm sure we ventured our money, and that's life and soul to me.. -Sir, we'll maintain you no longer.
Colonel S. Then your wives shall, old Actæon. There are five-and-thirty strapping officers gone this morning to live upon free quarter in the city.
Smug. Oh, lord ! oh, lord! I shall have a son within these nine months, born with a leading staff in his hand. -Sir, you are
Colonel S. What, sir ?
you are Colonel S. What, sir ?
Smug. Disbanded, sir, that's all. I see my law. yer yonder.
Ť Erit. Vizard. Sir, I'm very sorry
misfortune. Colonel S. Why so ? I don't come to borrow money of you ; if you're my friend, meet me this evening at the Rummer; I'll pay my foy, drink a health to my
king, prosperity to my country, and away for Hun. gary to-morrow morning.
Vizard. What you won't leave us ?
Colonel S. What! a soldier stay here, to look like an old pair of colours in Wes.minster Hall, ragged and rusty! No, no--
----I met yesterday a broken lieutenant, he was ashamed to own that he wanted a dinner, but wanted to borrow eighteen-pence of me to buy a new scabbard for his sword.
Vizard. Oh, but you have good friends, colonel!
Colonel S. Oh, very good friends! My father's a lord, and my elder brother, a beau; mighty good indeed!
Vizard. But your country may, perhaps, want your sword again.
Colonel s. Nay, for that matter, let but a single drum beat up for volunteers between Ludgate and Charing Cross, and I shall undoubtedly hear it at the walls of Buda.
Vizard. Come, come, colonel, there are ways of making your fortune at home-Make your addresses to the fair ; you're a man of honour and courage.
Colonel S. Ay, my courage is like to do me wondrous service with the fair. This pretty cross cut over my eye will attract a duchessmo I warrant 'twill be a mighty grace to my ogling--Had I used the stratagem of a certain brother colonel of mine, I might succeed.
Vizard. What was it, pray?
Colonel S. Why, to save his pretty face for the women, he always turned his back upon the enemyHe was a man of honour for the ladies.
Vizard. Come, come, he loves of Mars and Venus will never fail; you must get a mistress. Colonel S. Pr’ythee, no more on't
You have awakened a thought, from which, and the kingdom, I would have stolen away at once.To be plain, I have mistress,