On vifiting the Great.

whilft her ladyship is far differently employed. When her housekeeper waits on her to know what is for dinner, as fhe hears her ladyship is to have company-the fays, "O! not any thing more than ufual, for there is only Mr. Humdrum; yes, you may tell the cook, if the fervants have left any cold meat, fhe may hash it; Mrs. Humdrum will think it a grand dinner, and be fure, Marmalade (which is the houfe keeper's name) tell the fervants I am not at home to any body. I would not have even my stay maker know I keep fuch company." And then turning to her companion, I wonder, my dear Snail, thefe ptople cannot fee how odious their comApany is; but, poor ftupid wretches! they think we are pleafed, when one is fo ready to burft at the Gothic figure they make."

231

her ladyfhip to Mrs. Humdrum's houfe, the latter does not know enough how to fhow herself proud of the vint.

The parlour windows

are thrown open, the maid runs for a clean apron, the meat is left to burn at the fire, and all is hurry and confution; and Mrs. Humdrum herfelf hardly dares venture to fit down in her ladyship's prefence, though in her own houfe; when, after all, this mighty viit is nothing more than to make a register-othice or a pawnbroker's fhop of her house..

On the other hand, fhould a diftreffed perfon, who hid feen better days, come, in hopes to find a friend in this very Mirs. Humdrum, the would in all probabil ty give a flat refufal, and pretend great hurry of bulinefs. But what i am defcribing in the perfon of another is juftly applicable to myself, and I fail conclude my letter with an account to show how much is gained by pay

The expences of each day's visit I

thus calculate.

To

hair-dreffing, pins,
powder, and a cushion
which was of no ufe but
for the day
To a cap
To a new pair of fhoes
fpo led in one day's wear
by the lap-dog gnawing
the ponits off
To a pair of gloves and
ftamp

Now, fhould one through fear of keeping them waiting dinner, go before the hour appointed, we finding visits to the great. her ladyfhip is not dreffed; you are introduced into her ladyfhip's powdering room, and madam condefcends to turn round and fay, "fo, you are come-fit down"-then tells her Abigal that fhe has dreffed her horridly, and bids her powder her more, till the room is in fuch a cloud of powder, that Mrs. Humdrum is ready to faint, left the should not be fit to appear at table; and her ladyfhip is ready to die with laughing to I think that her ill-natured joke has made work for a week; and when the grand cavalcade march in proceffion to the dining parlour, "The is fo forry her table is fo full that The had not a place for her dear Mrs. Humdrum-but near the bottom of the table as his lordship's friends had taken poffeffion of every feat, and fhe was afraid, if the placed her higher, the fervants might probably forget that he was NOBODY."

Then, fhould the want of a fervant, or to raise money on fomething after a run of ill-luck at cards bring

To a gauze apron, which
the footman (to make a
laugh in the kitchen)
fet his foot on and tore
Coach hire
Aitering a gown
Lofs of time by neglect of
bufinefs

£.39

This round of expence, at the moderate computation of 30l. per annum, is 120/, which I confider as

money

lofty and fpacious towers, founded in the river at the western corners, embattled, porteulifed and machecolated, and a bridge of two arches over the western branch of the Stour

fomething for him that is poorer
is, in the realms of humanity, a
king of kings.

A whifper can difpel the flumbers of hatred and of love.

The moral enthusiast, who in the maze of his refinements lofes or defpifes the plain paths of honesty and duty, is on the brink of crimes.

Roughness in friendship is at least as difgufting as an offenfive breath from a beautiful mouth-the rough may perhaps be trufty, fincere, fec et-but he is a fool if he expects delicacy from others, and a hypocrite if he pretends to it himself.

Receive no fatisfaction for premiditated impertinence-forget ir, for give it but keep him inexorably at a diflance who offered it.

A gift-its kind, its value, and appearance; the silence or the pomp that attends it; the style in which it reaches you may decide the dig

at the foot of it. This gate has alfonity or vulgarity of the giver.
the advantage of fanding open to a
very long and wide ftreet, being the
entrance to the city from London.
It is now the city prifon, both for
debtors and criminals.

Genius always gives its beft at first, prudence a: laft.

Hiftory of the Second Usher.

HISTORY

Of the SECOND USHER,

A COMIC TALE.

[From the Adventures of John of Gaunt, an entertaining Novel juft published.]

[Continued from p. 198.]

THE

233

pot, waxing his boots, dufting his library, and fuch like dutiful behaviour. At times too, in a cafe of need, I even harneffed his palfrey. I must descant, for a momen', on this extraordinary beaft. Doctor Abfalom was the most regular of mortals: he went out every day to take the air, exactly at the hour of noon. His palfrey, which grazed HE duke was early on the in a little field adjoing to the chamenfuing day. No fooner,bers of his lord, used to come up to the back door, when the great clock ftruck twelve, as if praying to be faddled and bridled: infomuch that in all the colleges, and even in the town of Oxford, it became proverbial to fay, as punctual as doctor Abfalom's palfrey. At half after one they returned, invariably obferving the fame exactitude. Neighbours, it is past one, would they cry in the adjacent villages, for there goes ductor Abfalom.

faid he, had the first ufher concluded, than the fecond began his history in the following words: The humili ations, brother, and the miferies which I have experienced are in no wife inferior to your own. I was born in an obfcure village in the North of England, of parents who maintained themfelves by agriculture. My father would fain have had me follow the fame profeffion: but my grandfather, whole wife had been the daughter of a Welsh vicar, was defirous of beholding me in the pulpit, and being a pofitive old man, over-ruled my reluctant family. It was determined, therefore, thar, as foon as I had laid in fufficient Latin, I fhould apply to be admitted a fervitor at the univerfity of Oxford.

To his kindness was I indebted for fundry tuitions of youthful and raw ftudents, heirs apparent of wealthy families, who, incapable of crawling through their studies without help, and of appearing with credit at the lectures of the public tutor, often purchafed the private aid of fome pains-taking fervitor (though God knows I was but ill itored with erudition mytelf) to prop them, like a crutch, in the avenues to fcience, and to moisten, with preparatory fhowers of inftruction, the native hardness of the brain, ere the lecturer could cultivate it.

At length the time arrived when I quitted my native fields for a venerable dormitory in the college of St. John. In this lowly condition of life, 1 employed myfelf diligently in acquiring the countenance and affiftance of my fuperiors, amongst whom one Doctor Abfalom had most compaffion on me. This was But, alas! brother ofher, (and to a fenior fellow, of a little rouud fat your faithful bofom I avow it) this body, and of the deepest trudition. office was not always discharged with He poffeffed withal a fort of ferocious due integrity. Instead of copious good-nature, iffo I may denominate fhowers, my pupils had but tranfiit; he would do one a friendly tory mizzlings for their money. I action very readily, but with a deemed it more my interest to flatter roughness and inclemency of air and their love of idleness than to oblanguage that were truly most fying trude Greek and Latin upon perfons to the object of his benignity. He He of their quality, many of whom was pleated to harbour a good opi had rights of advowson with their nion of me, which I repaid and im-eftates, and might chance, it I beproved by emptying his fp.ting-haved agreeably, to prefent mene VOL. XXI.

Hh

day

day to a vacant benefice. Tully, for which thou art no more fitted, therefore, and Demofthenes were (fo help me Heaven) than thou art frequently rejected for a game at to be made lord chamberlaih to the back-gammon we difcourfed more pope?-Eh!-[Here the doctor rubof horfes and harlots than of Aqui- bed his head, then paufed, then nas and Duns Scotus, and drank rubbed afresh, eying me ever and fewer draughts from the fountain of anon moft fternly]. Why, creature, Helicon than from the flaggon of thou canst not even pull off thy cap, Canary. I now and then conducted or take a spoonful of gravy with them to a house of ill repute, and in- common propriery, and yet thou troduced them to pleafant damfels propofeft to teach nice breeding in who plied without the city. But ere the cattles of the magnificent.-Eh! long the parents and kinfimen of fome Merciful mother of God!-Why, of them began to make remarks on Jenkins, thou art fuch a mean-looktheir flow progrefs in literature, anding hound too, that no daughter of to complain that the youths had contracted a broad accent, and a meannefs of manners, which some were fo uncharitable as to attribute to me.

At length, fate, or the devil, would have it that I fhould defire to become an ufher. I grew weary of a college life, and was impatient to fcour off its rust, and to refine my manners, in the manfion of fome noble family. Accordingly, one morning I brufhed my garments very clean, and put on my best fhoes and ftockings; then repaired to doctor Abfalom, to acquaint him with my wish, and befeech him to recommend me to fome illuftrious houfe, as an eligible perfon to be usher. Brother, I fhall never forget the interview on that occafion. I have already defcribed to you the character of doctor Abfalom. He had a custom of lathering his head, and was performing the operation when I entered his apartment. At fuch times he looked doubly uncouth, the white fuds overwhelming his crown, and gliding here and there down his vifage. Scarce had I unfolded my petition, when he exclaimed, with a voice more fimilar to the bellowing of a bull than to the accents of a human being, Bleffed Dominick! what is this I hear?-Jenkins an ufher!Why, creature, what demon of darkness hath poffeffed thee, that thou should dream of an occupation

5

a baron will vouchsafe to be rectified by thee. Holy Peter!-Eh !— That fhambling gait of thine, and that infernal Northern dialect, would offend and alarm a very Saracen: it is as if Nature had fworn that thou fhouldst be no ufher. Go, man, feck a curacy in fome defolate diftrict: go, fnuffle the word of God to the ruftic and illiterate parish where thou first faweft the light.Eh!-Betides, Jenkins, thou haft a fweaty face, and crooked legs, two things that young women abhor. Oh! fic, oh! fie, oh! fic.

Thus fpake the doctor Abfalom. Grieved and fhocked as I was at this reception, I collected fufficient courage to reply, that although I was confcious of very mary defects, finner as I was, yet I hoped with a blefling to compenfate for them all, by what I confidered to be the ef fential thing in ufherfhip, to wit, an incorruptible rigour and folemnity. Rigour and folemnity! quoth the doctor, pifh! My patience was exhaufted by this last pi! I burst into tears, and b. wailed my fad condition. He was touched, I believe, with my forrow, and repented him a little of the unmerciful and mortifying expreffions he had made use of. Having ruminated for fome mements, he wiped his head, faying, Well, if you are abfolutely bent upon the thing, I will do what I am able. The lady dowager de la

Zouch,

Hiflory of the Second Uber.

235

Zouch, a difcreet relict, hath occa- | approaching preferment. I coured fion for a steady uflier, to conduct my face with fand, and afterwards her only daughter, the lady Ifabella. with bran and buttermilk, till I veriA word from me will be your paff-ly thought I fhould have flead it. port into her family; you may look (As for my legs,. I could not improve upon yourself as already fettled them.) I borrowed a mirrour from a fhaver of mine acquaintance, and difpofed my beard, (of which I had but Ittle) by combing and ftretch

there.

next thing I did, after vamping my injured apparel, was to buy me a ftaff of ebony, and a small bit of ambergris, to fubdue unlucky odours, and caufe me to fmell genteely. The remainder of the day I fpent before the mirrour, in practifing four looks, and an orderly exterior, and in handling my staff of ebony after an ufherlike tafhion.

At this unexpected turn of fortune, my tears were arrested in their courfe, my face brightened, I willing it, to the best advantage. The ride to the caftie this day, continued the doctor, to-morrow at furthest, you fhall hear from me. This threw me into a tranfport of joy. In the fervour of my zeal and gratitude, I feized his boots, and waxed them with uncommon fury; difarranged his volumes with ftrenuously dufting them; held the fpitting pot out of the window, though it needed not to be emptied, and, in my hurry. I flept but little that night. The down the stairs, to put the faddle on next morning the good doctor Abfathe palfrey, made a hideous rent in lom acquainted me that I was now a my raiment, by a nail that was in domeftic of the lady dowager de la the banister. This caft a tranfient Zouch, and must appear at her mangloom over my rapture: I could not fion without delay. Moreover he avoid moralizing, while I faddled generoufly lent me his paifrey. I the beaft, on the chequered condi- journeyed with fuch alacrity, that I tion of human affairs, and reflecting foon reached the place of my defti-` how feldom the cup of joy is pre-nation. A preci'e steward received fented to us pure, and unadulterated with difquietude.

The palfrey accoutred, I returned to doctor Abfalom, who opened one of his drawers, and taking out fome money, cried, Here, Rigour and Solemnity, are five nobles + for thee, to purchase a staff of ebony, and other neceffaries. I kifled his hand with unquestionable reverence, and aided him to draw on his boots; he meanwhile uttering at each exertion, in a low voice, and partly through his nofe, the disjointed fyllables rigor and-folemnity. As foon as he was mounted, and out of my fight, Ihaftened to my dormitory in order to adjust my perfon for my

* Et fi nulla pulvis erit, tamen excute nullam. Ov.

† A coin worth fix fhillings and eight pence.

me in the hall, and enquired if I were the perfon of whom doctor Abfalom had fpoken. Upon hearing that I was he led me to his lady, who was fitting in a grand apartment, with a maiden fifter and the beauteous Ifabella. They were a great way from the fire, and working a fet of bed-curtains in red and yellow fquares. Honeft friend, faid the lady dowager-But first, brother, it is requifite that I fhould defcribe to you the three perfons in whose prefence I then flood.

The lady dowager de la Zouch was now feven years a widow, and had feen four and forty winters. She was of the middle fize, and a religious inclination. To this latter I imputed the grave and compofed air for which he was diftinguishable. Her head-drefs was formal, but not unfashionable; her ruff plain, bur II h 2

not