Fent. Well, I shall see her to-day: Hold, there's money for thee; let me have thy voice in my behalf: if thou seest her before me, commend me Quick. Will I? i'faith, that we will: and I will tell your worship more of the wart, the next time we have confidence; and of other wooers. SCENE I.-Before Page's house. Enter Mistress PAGE, with a letter. ACT II. Mrs Page. What! have I 'scaped love-letters in the holy-day time of my beauty, and am I now a subject for them? Let me see: [Reads. Ask me no reason why I love you; for though love use reason for his precisian, he admits him not for his counsellor: you are not young, no more am I; go to then, there's sympathy: You are merry, so am I; Ha! ha! then there's more sympathy: you love sack, and so do 1; Would you desire better sympathy? Let it suffice thee, mistress Page, (at the least, if the love of a soldier can suffice,) that I love thee. I will not say, pity me, 'tis not a soldier-like phrase; but I say, love me. By me, Thine own true knight, JOHN FALSTAFF. What a Herod of Jewry is this?-O wicked, wicked, world!-one, that is well nigh worn to pieces with age, to show himself a young gallant! What an unweighed behaviour hath this Flenish drunkard picked (with the devil's name) out of my conversation, that he dares in this manner assay me? Why, he hath not been thrice in my company!-What should I say to him?I was then frugal of my mirth :-heaven forgive me!-Why, I'll exhibit a bill in the parliament for the putting down of men. How shall I be revenged on him? for revenged I will be, as sure as his guts are made of puddings. Enter Mistress FORD. Mrs Ford. Mistress Page! trust me, I was going to your house. Mrs Page. And, trust me, I was coming to you. You look very ill. Mrs Ford. Nay, I'll ne'er believe that; I have to show to the contrary. Mrs Page. 'Faith, but but you do, in my mind. Mrs Ford. Well, I do then; yet, I say, I could show you to the contrary: O, mistress Page, give me some counsel! Mrs Page. What's the matter, woman? Mrs Ford. O woman, if it were not for one trifling respect, I could come to such honour! Mrs Page. Hang the trifle, woman; take the honour: What is it? - Dispense with trifles; -what is it? Mrs Ford. If I would but go to hell for an eternal moment, or so, I could be knighted. Mrs Page. What?-thou liest! Sir Alice Ford! These knights will hack; and so thou shouldst not alter the article of thy gentry. Mrs Ford. We burn day-light:-here, read, read; perceive how I might be knighted.-I shall think the worse of fat men, as long as I have an eye to make difference of men's liking: And yet he would not swear; praised women's modesty: and gave such orderly and well-behaved reproof to all uncomeliness, that I would have sworn his disposition would have gone to the truth of his words: but they do no more adhere and keep place together than the hundredth psalm to the tune of Green sleeves. What tempest, I trow, threw this whale, with so many tuns of oil in his belly, ashore at Windsor? How shall I be revenged on him? I think, the best way were to entertain him with hope, till the wicked fire of lust have melted him in his own grease.-Did you ever hear the like? Mrs Page. Letter for letter; but that the name of Page and Ford differs!-To thy great comfort in this mystery of ill opinions, here's the twin-brother of thy letter: but let thine inherit first; for, I protest, mine never shall. I warrant, he hath a thousand of these letters, writ with blank space for different names, (sure more,) and these are of the second edition: He will print them out of doubt; for he cares not what he puts into the press, when he would put us two. I had rather be a giantess, and lie under mount Pelion. Well, I will find you twenty lascivious turtles, ere one chaste man. Mrs Ford. Why, this is the very same; the very hand, the very words: What doth he think of us? Mrs Page. Nay, I know not: It makes me almost ready to wrangle with mine own honesty. I'll entertain myself like one, that I am not acquainted withal; for, sure, unless he know some strain in me, that I know not myself, he would never have boarded me in this fury. Mrs Ford. Boarding, call you it? I'll be sure | though the priest o' the town commended him to keep him above deck. Mrs Page. So will I; if he come under my hatches, I'll never to sea again. Let's be revenged on him: let's appoint him a meeting; give him a show of comfort in his suit; and lead him on with a fine-baited delay, till he hath pawn'd his horses to mine host of the Garter. Mrs Ford. Nay, I will consent to act any villainy against him, that may not sully the chariness of our honesty. O, that my husband saw this letter! it would give eternal food to his jealousy. Mrs Page. Why, look, where he comes; and my good man too: he's as far from jealousy, as I am from giving him cause; and that, I hope, is an unmeasurable distance. Mrs Ford. You are the happier woman. Mrs Page. Let's consult together against this greasy knight: Come hither. [They retire. Like sir Actæon, with Ringwood at thy heels :- Ford. What name, sir? Pist. The horn, I say: Farewell. Take heed, ere summer comes, or cuckoo birds Believe it, Page; ; he speaks sense. [Exit Pistol. Page. The humour of it, quoth 'a! here's a Page. I never heard such a drawling, affect ing rogue. Ford. If I do find it, well. for a true man. Ford. 'Twas a good sensible fellow: Well. Mrs Page. Whither go you, George ?-Hark you. Mrs Ford. How now, sweet Frank? why art thou melancholy ? Ford. I melancholy! I am not melancholy.Get you home, go. Mrs Ford. 'Faith, thou hast some crotchets in thy head now. Will you go, mistress Page? Mrs Page. Have with you. You'll come to dinner, George?-Look, who comes yonder: she shall be our messenger to this paltry knight. [Aside to Mrs Ford. Enter Mistress QUICKLY. Mrs Ford. Trust me, I thought on her: she'll fit it. Mrs Page. You are come to see my daughter Anne? Quick. Ay, forsooth; And, I pray, how does good mistress Anne? Mrs Page. Go in with us, and see; we have an hour's talk with you. [Exeunt Mrs Page, Mrs Ford, and Mrs Quickly. Page. How now, master Ford? Ford. You heard what this knave told me; did you not? Page. Yes; And you heard what the other told me ? Ford. Do you think there is truth in them? Page. Hang 'em, slaves; I do not think the knight would offer it: but these, that accuse him in his intent towards our wives, are a yoke of his discarded men; very rogues, now they be out of service. Ford. Were they his men? Ford. I like it never the better for that. Page. Ay, marry, does he. If he should intend this voyage towards my wife, I would turn her loose to him; and what he gets more of her than sharp words, let it lie on my head. Ford. I do not misdoubt my wife; but I would be loath to turn them together: A man may be too confident: I would have nothing lie on my head: I cannot be thus satisfied. Page. Look where my ranting host of the Garter comes: there is either liquor in his pate, or money in his purse, when he looks so merrily. How now, mine host? Enter Host, and SHALLOW. Host. How now, bully-rook? thou'rt a gentleman: cavalero-justice, I say. Shal. I follow, mine host, I follow. Good Page. I will not believe such a Cataian, even, and twenty, good master Page! Master Page, will you go with us? we have sport in hand. Host. Tell him, cavalero-justice; tell him, bully-rook. Shal. Sir, there is a fray to be fought, between sir Hugh the Welch priest, and Caius the French doctor. Ford. Good mine host o' the Garter, a word with you. Host. What say'st thou, bully-rook? [They go aside. Shal. Will you [to Page] go with us to behold it? My merry host hath had the measuring of their weapons; and, I think, he hath appointed them contrary places: for, believe me, I hear, the parson is no jester. Hark, I will tell you what our sport shall be. Host. Hast thou no suit against my knight, my guest-cavalier? Ford. None, I protest: but I'll give you a pottle of burnt sack to give me recourse to him, and tell him, my name is Brook; only for a jest. Host. My hand, bully: thou shalt have egress and regress; said I well? and thy name shall be Brook: It is a merry knight.-Will you go on, hearts? Shal. Have with you, mine host. Page. I have heard, the Frenchman hath good skill in his rapier. Shal. Tut, sir, I could have told you more: In these times you stand on distance, your passes, stoccadoes, and I know not what: 'tis the heart, master Page; 'tis here, 'tis here. I have seen the time, with my long sword, I would have made you four tall fellows skip like rats. Host. Here, boys, here, here! shall we wag? Page. Have with you:-I had rather hear them scold than fight. [Exeunt Host, Shallow, and Page. Ford. Though Page be a secure fool, and stands so firmly on his wife's frailty, yet I cannot put off my opinion so easily: She was in his company at Page's house; and, what they made there, I know not. Well, I will look further into't: and I have a disguise to sound Falstaff: If I find her honest, I lose not my labour; if she be otherwise, 'tis labour well bestowed. [Exit. SCENE II-A room in the Garter Inn. Enter FALSTAFF and PISTOL. Fal. I will not lend thee a penny. Fal. Not a penny. I have been content, sir, you should lay my countenance to pawn: I have grated upon my good friends for three reprieves for you and your coach-fellow, Nym; or else you had looked through the grate like a geminy of baboons. I am damned in hell, for swearing to gentlemen, my friends, you were good soldiers, and tall fellows: and when mistress Bridget lost the handle of her fan, I took't upon mine honour, thou hadst it not. Pist. Didst thou not share? hadst thou not fifteen pence? Fal. Reason, you rogue, reason: Think'st thou I'll endanger my soul gratis? At a word, hang no more about me, I am no gibbet for you: Go-A short knife and a throng;-to your manor of Pickthatch, go. You'll not bear a letter for me, you rogue!-you stand upon your honour!-Why, thou unconfinable baseness, it is as much as I can do, to keep the terms of my honour precise. I, I, I myself sometimes, leaving the fear of heaven on the left hand, and hiding mine honour in my necessity, am fain to shuffle, to hedge, and to lurch; and yet you, rogue, will ensconce your rags, your cat-amountain looks, your red-lattice phrases, and your bold-beating oaths, under the shelter of your honour! You will not do it, you? Pist. I do relent; what would'st thou more of man? Enter Mistress QUICKLY. Quick. ск. Give your worship good-morrow. Quick. I'll be sworn; as my mother was, the first hour I was born. Fal. I do believe the swearer: What with me? Quick. Shall I vouchsafe your worship a word or two? Fal. Two thousand, fair woman; and I' vouchsafe thee the hearing. Quick. There is one mistress Ford, sir;-I pray, come a little nearer this ways:-I myself dwell with master doctor Caius. Fal. Well, on: Mistress Ford, you say, Quick. Your worship says very true: I pray your worship, come a little nearer this ways. Fal. I warrant thee, nobody hears;-mine own people, mine own people. Quick. Are they so? Heaven bless them, and make them his servants! Fal. Well: Mistress Ford; -what of her? Quick. Why, sir, she's a good creature. Lord, lord! your worship's a wanton: Well, heaven forgive you, and all of us, I pray! Fal. Mistress Ford; -come, mistress Ford,Quick. Marry, this is the short and the long of it; you have brought her into such a canaries as 'tis wonderful. The best courtier of them all, when the court lay at Windsor, could never have brought her to such a canary. Yet there has been knights, and lords, and gentlemen, with their coaches; I warrant you, coach after coach, letter after letter, gift after gift; smelling so sweetly, (all musk) and so rushling, I warrant you, in silk and gold; and in such alligant terms; and in such wine and sugar of the best, and the fairest, that would have won any woman's heart; and, I warrant you, they could never get an eye-wink of her.-I had myself twenty angels given me this morning: but I defy all angels, (in any such sort, as they say,) but in the way of honesty :-and, I warrant you, they could never get her so much as sip on a cup with the proudest of them all: and yet there has been earls, nay, which is more, pensioners; but, I warrant you, all is one with her. Fal. But what says she to me? be brief, my good she Mercury. Quick. Marry, she hath received your letter; for the which she thanks you a thousand times: and she gives you to notify, that her husband will be absence from his house between ten and eleven. Fal. Ten and eleven? Quick. Ay, forsooth; and then you may come and see the picture, she says, that you wot of;master Ford, her husband, will be from home. Alas! the sweet woman leads an ill life with him; he's a very jealousy man; she leads a very frampold life with him, good heart. Fal. Ten and eleven: Woman, commend me to her; I will not fail her. Fal. Why, I will. Quick. Nay, but do so then: and, look you, he may come and go between you both; and, in any case, have a nay-word, that you may know one another's mind, and the boy never need to understand any thing; for 'tis not good that children should know any wickedness: old folks, you know, have discretion, as they say, and know the world. Fal. Fare thee well: commend me to them both: there's my purse; I am yet thy debtor.Boy, go along with this woman.-This news distracts me! [Exeunt Quickly and Robin. Pist. This punk is one of Cupid's carriers :Clap on more sails; pursue, up with your fights; Give fire; she is my prize, or ocean whelm them all! [Exit Pistol. Fal. Say'st thou so, old Jack? go thy ways; I'll make more of thy old body than I have done. Will they yet look after thee? Wilt thou, after the expence of so much money, be now a gainer? Good body, I thank thee: Let them say, 'tis grossly done; so it be fairly done, no mat ter. Enter BARDOLPH. Bard. Sir John, there's one master Brook below would fain speak with you, and be acquainted with you; and hath sent your worship a morning's draught of sack. Fal. Brook, is his name? Fal. Call him in. [Exit Bardolph.] Such Quick. Why, you say well; But I have another messenger to your worship: Mistress Page hath her hearty commendations to you, too;and let me tell you in your ear, she's as fartuous a civil modest wife, and one (I tell you) that will not miss you morning nor evening prayer, as any is in Windsor, whoe'er be the other: and she bade me tell your worship, that her husband is seldom from home; but, she hopes, there will come a time. I never knew a woman so dote upon a man; surely, I think you have charms, la; yes, in truth. Ford. I make bold to press with so little preFal. Not I, I assure thee; setting the attrac-paration upon you. tion of my good parts aside, I have no other charms. Quick. Blessing on your heart for't! Fal. But, I pray thee, tell me this: has Ford's wife, and Page's wife, acquainted each other how they love me? Quick. That were a jest, indeed!—they have not so little grace, I hope:-that were a trick, indeed! But mistress Page would desire you to send your little page, of all loves; her husband has a marvellous infection to the little page: and, truly, master Page is an honest man. Never a wife in Windsor leads a better life than she does; do what she will, say what she will, take all, pay all, go to bed when she list, rise when she list, all is as she will; and, truly, she deserves it for if there be a kind woman in Windsor, she is one. You must send her your page; no remedy. Re-enter BARDOLPH, with FORD, disguised. Fal. And you, sir: Would you speak with me? Fal. You're welcome: What's your will?Give us leave, drawer. [Exit Bardolph. Ford. Sir, I am a gentleman that have spent much; my name is Brook. Fal. Good master Brook, I desire more acquaintance of you. Ford. Good sir John, I sue for yours: not to charge you; for I must let you understand, I think myself in better plight for a lender than you are the which hath something embolden'd me to this unseason'd intrusion; for they say, if money go before, all ways do lie open. Fal. Money is a good soldier, sir, and will on. Ford. Troth, and I have a bag of money here troubles me: if you will help me to bear it, sir John, take all, or half, for easing me of the carriage. Fal. Sir, I know not how I may deserve to be your porter. Ford. I will tell you, sir, if you will give me the hearing. Fal. Speak, good master Brook; I shall be glad to be your servant. Ford. Sir, I hear you are a scholar,-I will be brief with you;and you have been a man long known to me, though I had never so good means, as desire, to make myself acquainted with you. I shall discover a thing to you, wherein I must very much lay open mine own imperfection: but, good sir John, as you have one eye upon my follies, as you hear them unfolded, turn another into the register of your own, that I may pass with a reproof the easier, sith you yourself know, how easy it is to be such an offender. Fal. Very well, sir; proceed. money; spend it, spend it; spend more; spend all I have; only give me so much of your time in exchange of it, as to lay an amiable siege to the honesty of this Ford's wife: use your art of wooing, win her to consent to you; if any man may, you may as soon as any. Fal. Would it apply well to the vehemency of your affection, that I should win what you would enjoy? Methinks, you prescribe to yourself very preposterously. Ford. O, understand my drift! she dwells so securely on the excellency of her honour, that the folly of my soul dares not present itself; she is too bright to be looked against. Now, could I come to her with any detection in my hand, my desires had instance and argument to commend themselves; I could drive her then from Ford. There is a gentlewoman in this town, the ward of her purity, her reputation, her marher husband's name is Ford. Fal. Well, sir. Ford. I have long loved her, and, I protest to you, bestowed much on her; followed her with a doting observance; engrossed opportunities to meet her; fee'd every slight occasion that could but niggardly give me sight of her; not only bought many presents to give her, but have given largely to many, to know what she would have given: briefly, I have pursued her, as love hath pursued me; which hath been, on the wing of all occasions. But whatsoever I have merited, either in my mind or in my means, meed, I am sure, I have received none; unless experience be a jewel: that I have purchased at an infinite rate; and that hath taught me to say this: Love like a shadow flies, when substance love riage vow, and a thousand other her defences, which now are too strongly embattled against me: What say you to't, sir John? Fal. Master Brook, I will first make bold with your money; next, give me your hand; and last, as I am a gentleman, you shall, if you will, enjoy Ford's wife. Ford. O, good sir! Fal. Master Brook, I say you shall. Ford. Want no money, sir John, you shall want none. Fal. Want no mistress Ford, master Brook, you shall want none. I shall be with her, (I may tell you,) by her own appointment; even as you came in to me, her assistant, or go-between, parted from me: I say, I shall be with her between ten and eleven; for at that time the jealous rascally knave, her husband, will be forth. Come you to me at night; you shall know how I speed. Ford. I am blest in your acquaintance. you know Ford, sir? Do Fal. Have you received no promise of satisfaction at her hands? Ford. Never. Fal. Hang him, poor cuckoldly knave! I know him not:-yet I wrong him, to call him Fal. Have you importuned her to such a pur-poor; they say, the jealous wittolly knave hath pose? Ford. Never. Fal. Of what quality was your love then? Ford. Like a fair house, built upon another man's ground; so that I have lost my edifice by Inistaking the place where I erected it. Fal. To what purpose have you unfolded this to me? Ford. When I have told you that, I have told you all. Some say, that though she appear honest to me, yet, in other places, she enlargeth her mirth so far, that there is shrewd construction made of her. Now, sir John, here is the heart of my purpose: You are a gentleman of excellent breeding, admirable discourse, of great admittance, authentic in your place and person, generally allowed for your many war-like, courtlike, and learned preparations. masses of money; for the which his wife seems to me well-favoured. I will use her as the key of the cuckoldly rogue's coffer; and there's my harvest-home. Ford. I would you knew Ford, sir; that you might avoid him if you saw him. Fal. Hang him, mechanical salt-butter rogue! I will stare him out of his wits; I will awe him with my cudgel: it shall hang like a meteor o'er the cuckold's horns: master Brook, thou shalt know, I will predominate o'er the peasant, and thou shalt lie with his wife.-Come to me soon at night :-Ford's a knave, and I will aggravate his stile; thou, master Brook, shalt know him for a knave and cuckold :-come to me soon at night. [Exit. Ford. What a damned Epicurean rascal is this!-My heart is ready to crack with impatience.- -Who says, this is improvident jealousy? Ford. Believe it, for you know it:-There is My wife hath sent to him, the hour is fixed, the Fal. O, sir! |