476

THE CASE ALTERED.

And when the pipe grows foul within,
Think on thy soul defiled with sin;
For then the fire
It does require:

Thus think, and smoke tobacco.

Thou seest the ashes cast away,
Then to thyself thou mayest say,
That to the dust

Return thou must:

Thus think, and smoke tobacco.

THE CASE ALTERED.

HODGE held a farm, and smiled content
While one year paid another's rent;
But if he ran the least behind,
Vexation stung his anxious mind;
For not an hour would landlord stay,
But seized the very quarter-day.
How cheap soe'er or scant the grain,
Though urged with truth, was urged in vain.
The same to him, if false or true,

For rent must come when rent was due.
Yet that same landlord's cows and steeds
Broke Hodge's fence, and cropped his meads.
In hunting, that same landlord's hounds-
See! how they spread his new-sown grounds!
Dog, horse, and man alike o'erjoyed,
While half the rising crop's destroyed;
Yet tamely was the loss sustained.
"Tis said the sufferer once complained:

The squire laughed loudly while he spoke,
And paid the bumpkin-with a joke.

But luckless still poor Hodge's fate;
His worship's bull had forced a gate,
And gored his cow, the last and best;
By sickness he had lost the rest.
Hodge felt at heart resentment strong-
The heart will feel that suffers long.
A thought that instant took his head,
And thus within himself he said:
"If Hodge, for once, don't sting the squire,
May people post him for a liar!"

THE CLOWN AND THE VICAR.

He said-across his shoulder throws
His fork, and to his landlord goes.
"I come, an't please you, to unfold
What, soon or late, you must be told.
My bull-a creature tame till now-
My bull has gored your worship's cow.
"Tis known what shifts I make to live:
Perhaps your honour may forgive."
"Forgive!" the squire replied, and swore;
Pray cant to me, forgive, no more;
The law my damage shall decide,

66

And know, that I'll be satisfied."
“Think, sir, I'm poor-poor as a rat."-
"Think I'm a justice, think of that!"

Hodge bowed his head, and scratched his head;
And recollecting, archly said,

66

Sir, I'm so struck when here before ye,

I fear I've blundered in the story.

'Fore George! but I'll not blunder now :
Yours was the bull, sir; mine the cow!"

His worship found his rage subside,
And with calm accent thus replied:
"I'll think upon your case to-night;
But I perceive 'tis altered quite !"
Hodge shrugged, and made another bow:
"An' please ye, where's the justice now ?"

477

478

THE CLOWN AND THE VICAR.

"We'll try your skill," the parson cried,
For learning what digestion;

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And this you'll prove or right or wrong,
By solving me a question.

"Noah of old three babies had,

Or grown-up children, rather;

Shem, Ham, and Japhet, they were called.
Now, who was Japhet's father ?"

"Rat it!" cried Hodge, and scratched his head,
"That does my wits belabour;

But howsome'er I'll homeward run,
And ask old Giles my neighbour."

To Giles he went, and put the case
With circumspect intention;

"Thou fool," cried Giles, "I'll make it clear
To thy dull comprehension.

"Three children has Tom Long, the smith,
Or cattle doctor, rather;

Tom, Dick, and Harry they are called,
Now, who is Harry's father ?"

"Adzooks! I have it," Hodge replied,
"Right well I know your lingo,
Who's Harry's father? Stop-here goes-
Why, Tom Long Smith, by jingo!"

Away he ran to find the priest,
With all his might and main,
Who with good humour instant put
The question once again.

"Noah of old three babies had,

Or grown-up children, rather;

Shem, Ham, and Japhet, they were called,
Now, who was Japhet's father ?"

"I have it now," Hodge grinning cried,
"I'll answer like a proctor;

Who's Japhet's father?-now I know-
Why, Tom Long Smith, the doctor."

THE DEXTEROUS THIEF.

A CUNNING wit, but graceless sinner,
Who oft by swindling got a dinner,
And who in all things had a way
To beg, steal, cheat, or anything but pay;
Sauntered into a chemist's shop one day
In gleaning mood.

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The shopman, bowing, asked his pleasure.
Sir," quoth the rogue, "twould be a treasure,
Indeed it would,

If I could buy strength, or by weight or measure;
My stomach fails at such a rapid rate,

I go on weekly in more weakly state;

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What shall I do? What do you recommend ?"
Steel lozenges," was answered by the attend-
Ing minister of drugs. Just then

Some one came in to buy a pen-
Nyworth of something or another;

The shopman turned his back-and t'other
(The rogue I mean),

Noting the well-filled lozenge-boxes as they lay
Upon the counter, stole one, and then stole away,
He thought unseen;-

But 'twas not so--the shopman's eye
Had glanced upon him timorously,
Quick as a shot from shovel ran

Close at his heels, the druggist's man,

Who soon did catch him.

"When taken (doctors say) to be well shaken," And just so fared our rogue. Yet not forsaken By impudence, or tricks, to save his bacon

(There few could match him) He cleared his throat, and then, to clear his honour, Spoke thus: "Hold, hold! I'll not be put upon, nor Abused for placing on your words too much reliance; You said steal lozenges'-I did So, in compliance; And, as I took them from the counter, it

Was no real taking, but a counter-feat !”

This pleading proved the rogue no fool,
And quite sufficed to over-rule

The shopman's anger-who, like many a one,
Urged to a length, forgave the mischief done,
And with a caution half pathetical
Dismissed his rogueship, lozenges and all;
And even, lest his stingy master should
Whine at the knave's bad action, made it good.

RETALIATION.

A FEW years since, at some provincial college
(Places which always rhyme, if nothing else, with knowledge),
A wight was educated, whose discerning,
When added to an extraordinary mass of learning,
Distinguished him on every occasion,

As worthy of a first-rate situation,

Above his fellow-scholars, and his fellow-men,
Thus thought a genius-ergo, he grew lazy,
Ergo, grew poor-what then?

Pressed by privation,

Ergo, he grew crazy.

He'd strut about the street sometimes, and speak,
In English incoherently, 'tis true;

But in the learned languages, Latin and Greek,
His wits were sound again; and well he knew
How to interpret them in darkest mood,
And prove in answering that he understood.
Thus through his madness sometimes shone
A glance of wit,

Like light through darkness; and for one
Witness the following hit.
He had another

Old academic brother,

Who, though well learned, had too much sense
To think of living by his wits; and hence
Set up in business as a seller
(Industrious fellow!)

Of brittle glasses
And earthenware,

With vessels rare,

Procured from Staffordshire and other places.

One day, while raining fast as it could pour,
The shopman, standing just within his door,
Perceived our crazy scholar passing by,
With not a thread upon him dry.

Not wet himself, wishing to have some sport,
And scholar-like retort,

He hailed him in the Latin tongue,

And flung

A query, which, to those who do not know,
Is rendered into English just below.