heard the aggression, formed themselves into two different parties of pinners and rumpers, and like the Guelphs and Ghibelines of old, disputed the cause of their respective heroines with so much noise, acrimony, and violence, that it was with the utmost difficulty I could save my dominions from all the horrors of a civil war.

Rat. Ha ha! ha! I don't know, Jack, which of the ladies had most justice on her side; but it's manifest that Lady Nettle was the better logician of the two; since she had certainly taken the broadest ground for her argument; and enforced it by the most pointed reasonings. It is not the first dispute, indeed, that has been settled by deductions a posteriori. But pr'ythee, dear Jack, step a little on one side; `or you'll be involved in the atmosphere of Scotch snuff that always floats around the serene, benign, and sweet-featured countenance of counsellor Morose, whom I see just coming in. My last conversation with him, though a short one, had well nigh occasioned my death, from the convulsive sternutation

D

which was produced by the cursed impalpable powder that he throws up his nostrils by spoonfuls." My dear friend," said I, "I am happy to see you."-" Fair and softly, Mr. Rattle," replied he; "I have been man and boy now for 70 years, and yet I never met with any one who, in my judgment, had a right to address me by that title.' And I firmly believe he spoke the truth; for, from infancy to age, he has been like a porcupine, with a quill pointed in every direction, and ready to be discharged against any one who approached him. His father begot him in a thunderstorm; and his mother produced him during a hurricane. His first articulate words were an execration; and at the age of nine months he deprived his old nurse, by a blow, of her only remaining front tooth. He chose the law as a profession, because it promised him the pleasure of eternal opposition; and, after half a century of squabbling, left the bar, because he discovered that he was become ridiculous, instead of continuing to be only irritating..

He is such an admirer of primitive simplicity in speech and appearance, that he was never yet known to say a civil thing to any one; nor to be seen clean, even by accident, during the whole course of his life and he is so earnest for the character of veracity, as never to advance the most simple proposition without confirming it on oath. To bear the scales of justice, however, with an even hand, and " give the devil his due," it is but fair to mention, that he was once betrayed into a smile, by the repartee of a client. Being concerned in the defence of a celebrated character indicted for sedition, he had just put his hand into his bag for the brief, and was rising to reply to the counsel for the crown, when, to his astonishment, the prisoner handed him over a note, saying that he had determined to plead his own cause. Morose, with his usual conciliating way, answered the billet in this argumentative manner; "If you do, you'll be hanged;" to which the prisoner, struck with the cogent reasoning of the barrister, quickly

retorted in a third billet, "I'll be hanged if I do." To the surprise of the court, the muscles of Morose's visage were relaxed with a smile; he rose up in something bordering upon good humour, pleaded the defence, and the prisoner was acquitted.

Ram. Well said, Tom; a story never loses any thing by your being the relater of it.

Rat. Nay, I protest to you 'tis every tittle true, as old Hircus, who is shambling this way, could inform you, would you but consent to the application of his mouth to your ear for one short quarter of an hour. All hail thou honour to the priesthood; sin in canonicals, and gallantry at 86!

Servetur ad imum

Qualis ab incepto processerat.

Who could suppose that "this lean and slipper'd pantaloon,

With hose a world too wide

For his shrunk shank; and his big manly voice
Tun'd once again to childish treble,"

should still be the votary of the Venus publica, and as deep in promiscuous intrigue as any rakehell of 25! But pray,

my dear Jack, who is that portly lady just stepping out of her chair?

Ram. Oh the empress of the upper crescent; Madam de Villarois: proud as Lucifer, and vain as a monkey in a scarlet coat. She had nearly excited an insurrection amongst my subjects some time ago, because on my night I inadvertently introduced a London hair-dresser in disguise to her daughter, as a partner; and suffered her son to dance with a lady's maid, who had borrowed for the evening her mistress's clothes. But I must be at my post to receive her, or she'll kick up another devil of a dust.

Rat. Allons donc. Toll loll de roll loll de roll, loll de roll doll.