GRIEVANCES OF NOBODY.

TO THE EDITOR OF THE MORNING CHRONICLE.

SIR,

[Aug. 17.]

HAVE for a long time suffered greatly by the injustice of mankind; crimes and follies have been alleged against me by the very persons who asserted my innocence and my wisdom; and the reward of approbation has been withheld by those who in the same breath have confessed that my conduct was meritorious. Permit me humbly to specify a few of the grievances I have, thus far, patiently endured; and while, Sir, you cannot fail to observe the strange and ludicrous perplexity in which those who make free with my name are constantly involved, you will, I am convinced, feel disposed to admit that I am an object of compassion, and, at least, do me the favour to represent my case to the public, by giving this address a place in one of the columns of your valuable Journal.

So various are the charges brought against me, and so numerous the instances of neglect and malignity I have experienced, that I must resign all idea of methodical arrangement in drawing up this appeal, and rely on your candour to forgive the confused and desultory air which my letter must necessarily assume. Without further preface, I proceed to inform you

that I stand accused

Of being in the secrets of Buonaparte, and of knowing what he will do next.

Of admiring the style and sentiments of the Courier and Morning Post.

Of believing that the Duke de Cadore did write what has been recently published in his name.

Of thinking that Bank of England Notes are not depreciated in value.

Of

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305

Of wishing the ruin of this great and energetic nation, and victory to her enemies.

Of having personal acquaintance with the Devil, and a violent wish to go to him.

Of reading Rosa Matilda's Novels.

Of writing a better Poem than Milton's immortal Epic.

Of having seen His Royal Highness the Regent forget his dignity;

Heard Doctor D-g-n make a polite speech in favour of toleration; and

Observed Mr. Secretary C-k-r embarrassed by modesty.

Of being dead and alive at the same moment.

Of wishing the failure of the Petition for Catholic Emancipation.

Of going to the country when no one goes there, and staying in town when every one has left it.

Of being more corpulent than the late Mr. Daniel Lambert, and as thin as the edge of a razor.

Of bearing what is intolerable; keeping my temper when out of humour, and being silent whenever I speak.

It is by no means unusual to hear a fellow swear that I can swim on dry land, pay my debts without money, and eat at one meal twice as much pudding as I can get. I am said to have more wit and genius. than Mr. Sheridan, and also to be as thick-headed as Earl Cn. It is at one and the same time averred, that I look more like a cut-throat than the Baron de Gand yet that, with a bull-face and bandy legs, I am genteel and handsome.

I am acknowledged by several to excel Kemble in acting, and to sing better than Catalani; and, notwithstanding this, that I have a worse conception of tragedy than Liston, and a voice more harsh than that of a jackass, or Lord

I am also said to be in two places at once; and to be exceedingly partial to the present illustrious A ministration.

Not to encroach too much on your indulgence, I shall, for the present, take my leave; assuring you, Sir, that I am infinitely more a friend to you than to myself.

Aug. 10, 1811.

NOBODY.

Swan Tavern, near St. Martin's Lane.

PANTHEON THEATRICALS.

[From the British Press, Aug. 19.]

A GRAND Hudibrastic drama, entitled, The Paper

War, has been got up at this House, the prin cipal characters by the performers whom we have al ready criticised, in introducing them to public notice. This piece has a good deal of resemblance to Family Quarrels, only that it wants an overture. The music is discordant; and to listen to the band, one can easily perceive that many notes are wanting; not but that there are a sufficient number of sharps, but the flats are wofully deficient. The piano and affettuoso movements are most natural, though there is considerable merit in the largetto and andantino parts. The critics say, that Mr. Greville plays troppo presto; but he defends his style as moderato, and accuses his rivals of playing base. We cannot take on ourselves to criticise with sufficient minuteness this momentous subject, but merely state the tenor of it to the world, that they may judge for themselves who are right among these professors.

The proposed Entertainment of The Children in the Wood, by babes not exceeding seventeen years of age, is not to be persisted in, owing, as we understand, to the interference of the Right Rev. Father in

God

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307

backed by the Society for

God the Bishop of the Suppression of Vice, who have unanimously declared, that the exhibition of girls at that tender age would be more subversive of public morals than the Fair at Parson's Green. The Proprietors of the Italian Opera have also protested against this innovation upon their patent, and assert that the spectacles of pretty young ladies behind their own scenes are sufficient for the amusement of the town, and, consequently, there is no need for encroaching on their monopoly.

We learn with pleasure, however, that, to make amends for this disappointment, two sterling old Comedies are to be produced, à la Elliston, in the burletta way. These Comedies are, The Comedy of Errors, tragedized, and All in the Wrong, farcified. Mr. Caldas has been sent to the Continent to import a proper company. They are expected to begin the campaign next summer. A body of German waltzers are also to be engaged, who will not only dance in the ballets, but instruct our female Nobility and Gentry in that chaste measure.

Notwithstanding we have noticed all these charming designs in petto, we ought first to have observed, that Raising the Wind must be the earliest performance, and that much pains are taking to get it up.-The alterations in the Pantheon, to render it cligible for plays, masquerades, and private waltzing, are to be set about as speedily as possible, so that the public can be in no danger of a disappointment. Buonaparte's improvements on the Pantheon at Rome will be mere baubles to the intended magnificence of this new undertaking.

PICTURE

I am also said to be in two places at once; and to be exceedingly partial to the present illustrious Ad ministration.

Not to encroach too much on your indulgence, I shall, for the present, take my leave; assuring you, Sir, that I am infinitely more a friend to you than to myself.

Aug. 10, 1811.

NOBODY.

Swan Tavern, near St. Martin's Lane.

A

PANTHEON THEATRICALS.

[From the British Press, Aug. 19.]

GRAND Hudibrastic drama, entitled, The Paper War, has been got up at this House, the prin cipal characters by the performers whom we have al ready criticised, in introducing them to public notice. This piece has a good deal of resemblance to Family Quarrels, only that it wants an overture. The music is discordant; and to listen to the band, one can easily perceive that many notes are wanting; not but that there are a sufficient number of sharps, but the flats are wofully deficient. The piano and affettuoso movements are most natural, though there is considerable merit in the largetto and andantino parts. The critics say, that Mr. Greville plays troppo presto; but he defends his style as moderato, and accuses his rivals of playing base. We cannot take on ourselves to criticise with sufficient minuteness this momentous subject, but merely state the tenor of it to the world, that they may judge for themselves who are right among these professors.

The proposed Entertainment of The Children in the Wood, by babes not exceeding seventeen years of age, is not to be persisted in, owing, as we understand, to the interference of the Right Rev. Father in

God