dreamt at night of what had been running in their heads the day before.

"Well, Mary," said a counsel, cross-examining a witness, "if I may credit what I hear, I may venture to address you by the name of Black Moll." "You may, sir," answered Moll, "for I am always called so by the blackguards."

A WARNING.

"Do not send for Dr. S." said a gentleman, "for he attended an aunt of mine and kept her ill a whole month after she was well."

IMPRISONED FOR A LIE.

"I have been shamefully wronged," exclaimed a man. "English justice has been violated simply to gratify the malice of a snob." "Indeed." "Yes, sir. I have been imprisoned-actually imprisoned, sir-for merely telling a falsehood." "Impossible !"""Tis true, sir. I promised to pay my tailor's bill-and I didn't."

PROFESSIONAL THIEF.

A man was brought before a judge charged with stealing a silver ladle. The counsel for the Crown prosecuting, dwelt sarcastically upon the prisoner being an attorney. "Brother," said his lordship, in a whisper, "do not make the case worse than it is. If the fellow had been an attorney, depend upon it he would have stolen the bowl too."

AN ACCIDENT.

Two Irish porters meeting in a street, one addressed the other with " Arrah, Darby, my jewel, you are welcome from London. Tell me now, did you see anything of our friend Murphy?" "Fait, I did. It's a bad accident he's met with." "Arrah, what was it?" "Deed an' it was bad. As he was standin' on a plank talking to a priest at a place called th' Ould Bailey, the plank gave way, and poor Murphy got his neck broke."

A WISH.

"Never

A fellow stole a nobleman's gouty shoes. His servant not finding them began to curse the thief. mind," said his lordship. "All the harm that I wish the rogue is that the shoes may fit him."

A HOAX.

A wag some time ago advertised a carriage to go without horses, with only one wheel, and invited the curious in mechanics to see it. Many scientific gentlemen attended, and were shown-a wheelbarrow.

I SAY.

Dr. Sharpe had a manner of prefacing everything he said with the words I say. An undergraduate having mimicked him, the doctor sent for him to give him a lecture, and began: "I say, they say you say, I say when finding the ridiculous combination in which his speech was involved, he concluded by bidding him begone.

A LAWYER'S DECLARATION.

Fee simple, and a simple fee,
And all the fees in tale,

Are nothing when compared to thee,
Thou best of fees-fe-male.

SHAKING HANDS.

At a duel, the parties discharged their pistols without effect, whereupon one of the seconds proposed that they should shake hands. To this the other second objected as unnecessary, "for," said he, "their hands have been shaking this half hour."

A GENEROUS OFFER.

"I will save you a thousand pounds," said a young fellow to an old gentleman, "if you don't stand in your own light.' "How?" "You have a daughter and you intend to give her ten thousand as a marriage portion." "I do." "Sir, I will take her with nine thousand."

AN ODD PATIENT.

A dog having been run over by a carriage, a surgeon carried it home, set and cured the leg that had been broken. A few evenings after, at an hour corresponding to that on which the dog had been dismissed, the surgeon was startled by a prolonged howling at his door. Throwing up the window, he looked out, and to his amazement perceived a number of limping dogs on the pavement brought to him to have their legs set by the dog whose leg he had cured.

A HINT TO ECONOMISTS.

A parsimonious printer never went to the play but on a Saturday. As he was very careful of his health, he always provided himself with a large greatcoat which he used to pawn previously to entering the theatre, and redeem it when he came out. This proceeding cost him only a halfpenny, and he would remark: "I could not leave it at a publichouse without taking a glass of porter, and that's three halfpence."

CURE FOR GOSSIPING.

Four or five gentlemen, resident in a country town, adopted, not long since, the following method to cure several gossiping neighbours of a rage for listening to defamatory stories :-They alternately agreed to set on foot some extraordinary tale of each other. By the time one story had nearly circulated through the town, a second was afloat, and so on with a third, fourth, fifth, &c. At length the male and female gossips finding the whole to be without the least foundation, grew so extremely incredulous, as not to believe the report of even a real faux pas.

FAIR PLAY.

Mr. Curran, who was a very small man, having a dispute with a brother counsel, who was a very stout man, in which words ran high on both sides, called him out. The other, however, objected. "For," said he, "you are so little, that I might fire at you a dozen times without hitting; whereas the chance is that you shoot me at the first time." "Upon my conscience, that's true," replied Curran; " but, to convince you that I don't wish to take any advantage, you shall chalk my size upon your body, and all hits out of the ring shall go for nothing.'

A LITERAL INTERPRETATION.

The captain of a vessel, before going ashore, desired one of the crew to throw a buoy, which was old and useless, overboard. On his return he inquired if his order had been obeyed. The man answered, "I could not catch the boy, so I threw overboard the old cook instead."

AN UNKNOWN CELEBRITY.

A gentleman was saying one day in a coffee-house when it rained heavily that it put him in mind of the General Deluge. "Who's that?" asked an old soldier. "I have heard of most of the generals that ever lived, but not him."

BALAAM'S ASS.

A nobleman who stammered very much was telling a certain bishop who sat at his table "that Balaam's ass spoke because h-he was pri-est-" "Priest-rid," said a servant who was standing behind the chair, "my lord would say." "No, friend," replied the bishop, "Balaam could not speak himself, and so his ass spoke for him."

A SERMON.

A clergyman in his sermon naming a saint, grew fatiguingly eulogistic of his virtues. "Where then can we place this great patriarch?" he kept on saying-every passage closing with this invariable "Where then?" One of the congregation worn out, suddenly got up and exclaimed, "As I am going away, you may put him in my pew.”

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LOSS OF MEMORY.

66

A country clergyman meeting a neighbour who never came to church, although an old fellow of above sixty, reproved him on that account, and asked if he never read at home. "No," replied the clown, "I can't read." "I daresay," said the parson, you don't even know who made you?" "Not I," exclaimed the countryman. A little boy happening to pass, "Who made you, child?" asked the parson. "God, sir," answered the boy. you not ashamed," said the clergyman, turning to the old man, "to hear a child of five or six years old tell me who made him, when you who are so old cannot ?" said the countryman, "it's no wonder he should remember. He was made t'other day-whilst it's a time gone, measter, since I wur made."

"Are

"Ah,"

C