First Performed at the Royal Surrey Theatre, (under the management of Messrs, Shepherd and Creswick) on Saturday, September 14, 1867.

FINNIKIN FUSSLETON

CHARACTERS.

(a young lawyer of an "excitable" temperament residing in "flats," 1st low comedy)

HERCULES SPARKS a brigade, character part)
(an amateur fireman, captain

Mr. E. Terry.

Mr. Nelson.

MR. WATKINS WALKERJOHN {(from Tunbridge} Mr. Lloyds.

JACK JOHNSON (private in the "Horse Guards.")

Mr. Paul.

(Sparks's wife, a lady with a delicate SERAPHINA organisation, and a firm faith in MissE.Webster.

CECILIA.

{

fortune telling)

(Walkerjohn's daughter)

Miss Leslie.

BIDDY (Johnson's wife and housemaid to Fussleton) Mrs. Holston.

SCENE: Fussleton's Lodgings-on a "flat"
Time: Present Day.

COSTUMES.

FINNIKIN FUSSLETON.- 1st dress: Neat dark tweed tourist's suit. 2nd dress: Dark blue trousers with red stripe, military cape, &c.

HERCULES SPARKS.- 1st dress: Fierce semi-military make up, iron-grey beard, moustachios, &c. 2nd dress: Complete fireman's suit, steel helmet, dark tunic, long boots, hatchet, &c.

JACK JOHNSON.-Horse Guard's undress uniform, red jacket, dark blue trousers with red stripes, cape, cap, &c. WALKERJOHN.-Precise old gentleman's make up. SERAPHINA.-Fashionable and elegant walking costume. CECILIA.-Neat travelling dress. BIDDY.-Usual housmaid's make up.

A CURE FOR THE FIDGETS.

66

SCENE.-Fussleton's lodgings; principal entrance at back, L. of door a window looking into street, R. 2nd wing large curtains concealing the entrance to Fussleton's lavatorium,” R. 1st wing door leading to store-room, L. 2nd entrance, door leading to back staircase, L. 1st entrance, door leading to breakfast room—at back between door and window, a large screen, in front of screen (at some little distance forward) a table, on which is a desk, a basket for papers, &c., R. of table, an armchair (on castors.) BIDDI discovered looking out of door c.

BIDDY. (as though speaking to some one who had just started) Good bye, sir, wish you a pleasant journey, sir; mind you don't catch cold, sir. (turning round) Well, thank goodness, master's gone; he isn't coming back for three days, so I've invited my dear husband, Johnny, what's in the Horse Guards, to spend the day with me; he's in the little store-room now. (going to door R. 1 E., and calling) Hi! Johnny, it's all right, the coast's clear.

Enter JACK JOHNSON cautiously from R. 1 E., he wears the undress uniform of a Horse Guard, cap, little cape, &c. JACK. (looking cautiously around) Guv'nor gone?

BIDDY. Yes! he was in such a hurry to catch the train that he ain't even stopped to take his cold bath! he's a rare 'un for cold baths is master! he'd sooner go without his breakfast than his cold bath any day; you see, Jacky, he's such a werry excitable gent by natur', and so horful precise and partick'lar, that the doctors has ordered him no end o' cold baths just to take the "fidgets" out of him. He has just fitted himself up a "lavy-torium" as he calls it.

JACK. (not understanding) A lavy—what?

BIDDY. A lavy-torium-master says it's what the ancient Romans used to call the baths and washhouses.

JACK. (advancing to curtains R., and looking through them) Well, I don't know what the Ancient Romans used to call it, but I call it a very snug little turn out-two baths I declare, and already filled and everythink?

BIDDY. (sweeping) Yes, master's gone down to Tunbridge Wells, to see his intended! he's a going to be married, is master.

JACK. Going to be married! Then I say Biddy, why don't you up and tell him as how we've made a match on it; you ain't the first 'ousemaid as ha' got spliced on the sly.

BIDDY. Well, Jacky, I arn't told master yet, knowing as how fidgety bachelors always entertains a dejection to married servants.

JACK. Better tell him, Biddy, all fair and above board, and no prewarication, that the maxim o' the British Army! (aside, looking in through curtains at bath) This here water looks so cool and hinwitin', dashed if I don't have a turn at the lavy-torium myself! (unnoticed by BIDDY, JACK disappears behind curtains.)

BIDDY. (who has meanwhile taken broom and commenced sweeping) I'm not sorry as how master's gone for three days! it will give me time to get the place to rights a bit; master is such an awful fidget-besides I shall be able to have a long talk with my dear Jacky about future prospects. (looking all round) Why, where is he? (loud ring heard at bell) Halloa! there's a ring at the bell, now who can it be? (goes to door in flat and opens it.)

Enter HERCULES SPARKS, C. fierce, semi-military make up, tremendous beard and mustachios--he advances hastily into the room with a gloomy and ferocious air.

SPARKS. (produces pocket handkerchief, strikes attitude and bursts forth into stentorian lamentations) Boo-hoo! Boo-hoo! Boo-hoo!

BIDDY. (surprised) Who did you please to want, sir ? SPARKS. (blubbering uproariously) Boo-hoo! Boo-hoo! Boo-hoo!

BIDDY. (astounded) Nobody o' that name here, sir.

SPARKS. (suddenly leaves off "boo-hooing," and enquires in a ferocious tone.) Is Mr. Finnikin Fussleton at home? BIDDY. No he ain't, sir, he's gone to Tunbridge Wells, sir.

SPARKS. (fiercely) Then I'll wait till he comes back again! (sits down, but immediately jumps up again) Girl, this manly bosom yearns for sympathy. I, I, don't mind telling

you, in strict confidence, that my wife Seraphina occasions me considerable uneasiness!

BIDDY. (sweeping, surprised) You don't mean that, sir.

SPARKS. I do mean it, and I've stepped in to consult your master on the subject! I've reason for suspicions of the most startling description, in connexion with a mysterious individual whose features I couldn't identify, but who wore a chocolate coloured surtout-I saw them conversing in a sequestered corner of Kensington Gardens(bitterly) they little thought the fireman's vigilant eye was on them! (sitting down and resuming his stentorian lamentations) Boo-hoo! Boo-hoo! (starting up and stamping) But that master of yours doesn't seem to come back!

BIDDY. Please sir, he won't be back for three days, he's a-havin' his holiday!

SPARKS. (roaring) Holiday! what right has he to have a holiday when I require his professional services ? (at this moment, JACK is heard to utter a very loud and prolonged shiver, "B-r-r-r-r!" from behind curtains—starting) What the devil's that? (looking round.)

BIDDY. (alarmed-aside-clasping her hands) Oh, gracious goodness! he's been and gone and got in!.

SPARKS. (fiercely) There's somebody behind those curtains! (advances hastily towards curtains.)

BIDDY. (hastily) Please sir! don't, sir! it's only his teeth a-chatterin'!

SPARKS. (surprised) Teeth a-chattering?

BIDDY. Yes, sir! he's a-having a cold bath, sir.

SPARKS. (roaring) Having a cold bath! then what the devil did you mean by telling me he was at Tunbridge Wells.

BIDDY. (aside-bewildered) Now here's a pretty fix-I can't say it's my husband Jacky!

SPARKS. (approaching curtains) I say you, sir, I want a little private conversation with you!

JACK. (inside curtains-stammering violently) With me! SPARKS. (angrily) Yes, with you!

JACK. (trembling violently) Then you'd better 1-1-look in a-g-g-gain!

SPARKS. (fiercely) Very good, sir! I will look in again! I'll return in five minutes, and if you're not ready for consultation, (roaring) why, damme, sir, I'll set my patent fire engine at you, and pump over you till you're utterly annihilated! (roaring) I'll give you a cold bath, sir! (Exit furiously, C.

BIDDY. (aloud) Well, that's a queer sort o' customer-it strikes me he's what they call a many-wack!

JACK. (inside curtains uneasily) What does he want 'along o' me. (shuddering) B-r-r-r-r!

BIDDY. (listening, R.) Oh, gracious goodness!
JACK. (behind curtain) What's up now?

BIDDY. (listening) Here's sum 'un a-comin' up the little side staircase!

BIDDY. (more and more alarmed) It's master's step I do declare-how werry mean on him-he said he'd be three days and he's back already!

JACK. (poking his head through curtains, R., in great alarm) Where the deuce am I to get to!

BIDDY. (terrified) Quick, Jacky, quick; I'll hide you in the little store room!

JACK. behind curtain in a terrific fluster) I—I'll slip on this here morning gown!

BIDDY. (in tremendous alarm) I say, mind, that's master's dressing gown!

Enter JOHNSON, from behind curtains, he has on a pair of Wellington boots and spurs, and a long dressing gown, wrapped hastily round him—he rushes wildly across stage, in every direction.

JACK. Here's a blessed position to be in! here! put me somewhere! put me somewhere!

BIDDY. (opening a door, L.) Here! get in here, quick! JACK. (alarmed) I ar'n't half dry yet! Crikey! If I get out of this, dashed if ever I trouble lavy-toriums again! (disappears.)

BIDDY. (drawing a long breath) Just in the werry nick o' time, and not a moment over.

Enter FINNIKIN FUSSLETON, hastily, L. 1 E. He is smartly attired in a very neat dark blue travelling suit, carries railway rug over his arm, and a small bag in his handhis manner throughout is slightly petulant and irritable, evincing an unmistakeably "fidgety” temperament.

FUSSLE. (irritably) Bore! horrid bore! its really too bad of trains to be so awfully punctual. I've missed the 10 o'clock by exactly thirty seconds-shan't be able to start now till the afternoon. Bore, horrid bore! fidgets me frightfully. However my little Cecilia won't be anxious, for she doesn't expect me. I intended to take my little Cecilia by surprise. (emphatically) Had this elegant little suit made for the