dress extra fine for Sunday service, we'd polish our muskets and tie a red rag on each leg. The chaplain, for decency's sake-when he preaches-stands in an empty pork barrel to hide his legs.

I called on the Colonel, yesterday, dressed only in a bayonet; and that considerate officer admired my airy costume much, but said I had better kill a few seseshers, and when I bagged one of my own size, I might help myself to his breeches. When our whole company lately applied to him for clothes, he said he hadn't got any for us, but he served out fifteen rounds of ball cartridges to each, and gave us leave of absence for two days, and told us to bury all the seceshers we killed, so as not to lumber up the country. Most of the fellows got good suits of clothes, and Bob Brown was so uncommonly particular that he didn't suit himself till he had killed five fellows. With my usual luck, I couldn't find a fellow my size-they were all too short or too long. When at last I did find a fellow five feet nine, and had just got a good aim on him, he raised his head and disclosed the unwelcome fact that it was one of our own sergeants. Just my luck-he had on a lovely suit of gray which would have fitted me to a hair, and if I'd been half a second quicker on the trigger I could have had it, but I couldn't decently shoot after I'd scen his face. However, I got a fair suit of blue cloth, and Bob Brown is on the lookout to help me better my condition. He wants to find a fellow five feet nine, rather slim in the waist, and with a new and well-fitting suit, army blue preferred.

THE WAY TO CAPE ANN.

Some forty years ago there lived in Boston a Frenchman, who had been but a short time in the country, and who spoke our language very imperfectly. He had occasion to visit Gloucester, Cape Ann, and in those days there were no railroads, consequently he had to make his journey by some other convey

ance.

Accordingly he procured a horse and started off on horseback. He found but little difficulty on the road, until after he had passed Beverly Bridge, when not knowing which way to turn, he did as any other wise man would have done in such a case, inquire of the first person he met which was the right road.

There happened to be a free-and-easy Yankee passing along just at the time, and our traveler raised his hand to his hat and bowed, as Frenchmen often will do, and thus addressed the Yankee

"Voulos vous tell me de vay to keep on?"

"Well," was the reply, "I don't know any better way you can keep on, unless you tie your legs together under the horse."

"Be gar, I no vants to keep on the horse; I vants the place Keep On."

"Oh! you want the place to keep on, do you? Now, down this way we always think the place to keep on is the saddle, and I guess you're in the right spot."

"You no understand; I vants vat you call de Keep On de Ann."

"Well, now stranger, you are an old rogue. This is a very moral town, and our selectmen won't allow anybody to keep Ann or any other woman."

"You be von tick head, you rascal! I no vants your Madame Ann, 'tis de town, de place, Keep Ann."

"Worse and Worse; you want the town to keep Ann, do you? No, Monsheer, that won't go down at all, you would ruin the reputation of the town of ancient Beverly. "Twon't do, stranger."

"I vill vight you sare! you insult me. I ask you de vay to Keep Ann and you tell me about de horse, de saddle, and de voman. Now, sare, vill you tell me the vay to keep Ann, de Glosesseter?" "Oh! ho! now I take. I suppose you want to know the way to Gloucester, Cape Ann, don't you ?” "Oui, oui, dats it."

"Well, why in thunder didn't you say so at first? Keep straight ahead and turn to the right."
"Tank you, tank you, Monsieur; I no vights you now. Bon jour."
And the traveler went on his way rejoicing.

THE TWO IMPORTANT QUESTIONS; OR, THE INDIGNANT BARBER.

Stopping for a day or two at a short way from Boston, Jeems went to a barber's to get shaved. On entering and casting his eye about the room, he perceived that the barber drove a double trade of tonsor and small grocer.

"Shave, sir?" said the barber to his customer, whose face sufficiently indicated the object of his

visit.

Jeems made no reply, but drawing himself up to a lofty height, proceeded, in the attorney's fashion, to interrogate the barber as follows:

"Sir, you are a barber?"

"Yes, sir. Have a shave?"

"And do you also keep this oyster-cellar?"

"Yes, sir. Have any oysters?"

"Well, sir, this occupation of yours gives rise to the most horrible suspicions. It is a serious thing

to submit one's head to the manipulations of a stranger; but if you can answer me a couple of questions to my satisfaction, I should like to be shaved."

The barber said he would try.

"Well, sir," said Jeems, solemnly, "do you shave with the oyster-knife?"

"No, sir," said the barber, smiling.

"One question more," continued the interrogator, "and remember that you are under oath, or, rather, recollect that this is a serious business."

The barber started.

"One question more. Do you never open oysters with your razor?"

"No, sir," exclaimed the barber, indignantly, amid a roar of laughter from the bystanders.

"Then shave me," said Jeems, throwing himself into the chair, and untying his neckcloth with the air of a man who had unshaken confidence in human nature.

COAXING UP AN EXPRESSION.

A pair of luvyers, anxious to secure each other's shadow ere the substance faded, stepped into Bogardus' Photographic establishment, 229 Greenwich street, to sit for their pictures. The lady gave precedence to her swain, who, she said, "had got to be tuck fust and raal natral." He brushed up his tow head of hair, gave a twist or two to his handkerchief, asked his gal if his sheert collar stood about X, and planted himself in the operator's chair, where he soon assumed the physiognomical characteristics of a poor mortal in a dentist's hands, and about to part with one of his eye teeth. "Now, dew look purty!" begged the lady, casting at him one of her most languishing glances. The picture was taken, and when produced, it reminded the girl, as she expressed it, "jist how Josh looked when he got over the measles!" and, as this was not an era in her suitor's history particularly worthy of their commemoration, she insisted that "he should stand it again." He obeyed, and she attended him to the chair.

Josh," said she, "jist look like smilin', and then kinder don't."

The poor fellow tried to follow the indefinite injunction.

"La!" she said, "why you look all puckered up."

One direction followed another, but with as little success. At last, growing impatient, and becoming desperate, she resolved to try an expedient which she considered infallible, and exclaimed,

"I don't keer if there is folks around."

She enjoined the operator to stand ready at his camera, she then sat in her feller's lap, and placing her arms around his neck, managed to cast a shower of flaxen ringlets, as a screen between the operator and her proceedings, which, however, were betrayed by a succession of amorous sounds, which revealed her expedient. When this "billing and cooing" had lasted a few minutes, the cunning girl jumped from Josh's lap, and clapping her hands, cried to the astonished artist:

"Now you have got him! put him through."

NAPOLEON'S COAT OF MAIL.

Just before Napoleon set out for Belgium (before the battle of Waterloo), he sent for the cleverest artisan of his class in Paris, and demanded of him whether he would engage to make a coat of mail to be worn under the ordinary dress, which should be absolutely bullet-proof; and that, if so, he might name his own price for such a work. The man engaged to make the desired object, if allowed proper time, and he named 18,000 francs as the price of it. The bargain was concluded, and in due time the work was produced, and the artisan was honored with a second audience of the Emperor. "Now," said his imperial Majesty, "put it on." The man did so. "As I am to stake my life on its efficacy, you will, I suppose, have no objection to do the same?" and he took a brace of pistols, and prepared to discharge one at the breast of the astonished artist. There was no retreating, however, and, half dead with fear, he stood the fire; and, to the infinite credit of his work, with perfect impunity. But the Emperor was not content with one trial. He fired the second pistol at the back of the artist, and afterwards discharged a fowling-piece at another part of him with similar effect. "Well," said the Emperor, ."you have produced a capital work, undoubtedly. What is to be the price of it?" Eighteen thousand francs were named as the agreed sum. "There is an order for them," said the Emperor; "and there is another for an equal sum, for the fright I have given you."

A SOLDIER'S PRIVILEGE.

It is well-known that "Old Hickory" was equally popular in the army and among the people at large. No man ever lived in this country about whom so many characteristic anecdotes have been related by those who were among his personal friends. Below we give one of these, which we do not remember to have seen in print before:

Several years ago, an officer, who was one of the most distinguished of his grade in the service of the United States, on his way home from a dinner party, on a certain occasion, was attacked so violently

with vertigo that he became impressed with the idea that the ground was rising up against him, and that the fire-plugs were after him with hot haste. Under these circumstances, he determined to conceal himself in a friendly gutter, and wait until the enemies had disappeared. In this condition he was found, and, of course, one of the numerous troop of office-hnnters was soon ready to communicate to General Jackson, then President of the United States, the fact that the gallant defender of Fort had been found drunk in the street. The old man stood for a moment, reflecting, then turning to his informant, said:

"Very bad conduct, sir, in the colonel. But, by the Eternal, he has done fighting enough never to draw another sober breath in his life!"

Ever afterward, it was the recognized right of the veteran colonel to get drunk as often as he pleased, provided he kept himself out of sight.

TAKE WHICH ROAD YOU PLEASE; or, JOHN RANDOLPH OUTDONE.

Of the many anecdotes of this eccentric man of Roanoke, we don't believe the following was ever in print:

He was traveling in a part of Virginia with which he was unacquainted. In the mean time, he stopped during the night at an inn near the forks of the road. The inn-keeper was a fine old gentleman, and no doubt one of the first families of the Old Dominion. Knowing who his distinguished guest was, he endeavored to draw him into conversation, but failed in all his efforts. But in the morning, when Mr. Randolph was ready to start, he called for his bill, which, on being presented, was paid. The landlord, still anxious to have some conversation with him, began as follows:

"Which way are you traveling, Mr. Randolph ?"

"Sir," said Randolph, with a look of displeasure.

"I asked," said the landlord, "which way are you traveling?" "Have I paid my bill?"

"Yes.".

The landlord by this time got somewhat excited, and Mr. Randolph drove off. But to the landlord's surprise, in a few minutes the servant returned to inquire which of the forks of the road to take. Randolph not being out of hearing distance, the landlord spoke at the top of his voice,

Mr. Randolph, you don't owe me one cent; just take which road you please."

It is said that the air turned blue with the curses of Randolph.

THE TWO DUKES AND THE TWO SNOBS.

One day the Duke of Newcastle and the Duke of Cleveland were traveling together in a railway carriage. Newcastle is a fine, noble-looking man, frank and sociable; while Cleveland is a little, driedup old fellow, proud as Lucifer. In passing through Nottingham, a gentleman got into the same carriage with the two dukes. [An English first-class carriage will seat but eight persons, and few common people travel in the first-class.] He proved to be a manufacturer; and Newcastle soon entered into conversation with him-asking him all about trade, the state of the markets, etc., and deriving considerable information. Cleveland, on the contrary, was silent and exclusive-not deigning to talk to a mere business-man. After a while, the journey of the Duke of Newcastle was ended, and he left the carriage. The Nottingham gentleman, who had been delighted with the easy conversation of the departed duke, turned to the other stranger (proud Cleveland), and asked if he knew the gentleman's name with whom he had been conversing. "The Duke of Newcastle," was the reply. "You don't say so?" rejoined the astonished manufacturer; "well now, only to think that such a great gentleman should have talked in so free-and-easy a way to two such snobs as you and I!"

NOT USED TO IT; OR, WHO SALTED THE WATER?

A good joke is told of a member of one of the volunteer companies who went down to Pensacola. We think it was a Mississippi Company, and is said to be a fact. Being accustomed to fresh water, living in the interior, and not having been in the Gulf of Mexico before, he was in blissful ignorance of its briny properties. Getting up in the morning, as usual, to perform his daily ablutions, he drew a bucket of water, set it down near some of his comrades, and retired for soap and towel. Returning with the articles, he soused into the bucket of water, hands and face. The consequence can be imagined. Re-. covering from the shock, and rubbing his burning eye-balls, he exclaimed: "I can whip the darn rascal' that salted this water. A man can't draw a bucket of water and leave it for a few moments, without some prank is played on him." Dashing the water aside, he left amid the shouts and jeers of his companions, who had been silently watching him.

[From BURTON's "Cyclopaedia of Wit and Humor."]

TOM. Ah, Bill! I'm quite tired of the dissipation of the gay and fashionable world, I think I shall marry and settle. BILL. Well, I'm devilish sick of a Bachelor's Life myself, but I don't like the idea of throwing my. self away in a hurry.

THE JOINT EXERTIONS OF A LARGE FAMILY.-WITH MANY CUTS,

THE MYSTIC LAND.

There's a strange weird land whose shore I have | And when the spent sun has withdrawn his fair face, trod

Full many and many a time;

It is not of earth, nor the land of our God,
But a faint and a shadowy clime;

1

It may not be seen in the glare of the day
When the sunlight comes on us in streams,
But only when darkness has shut out his ray;-
"Tis the mystical land of dreams.

When wearied the body, and saddened the soul,
When earth seems a dark vale of gloom,
When trials, like ocean-waves, over me roll,
And I almost long for the tomb,-

Then enchantment of sleep steals over my sight,
And my vision with opulence teems,-
With golden-flushed fancies and luminous light,
In the mystical land of dreams.

And the dews of twilight distil,

When night wraps the scene in a mantle of grace,
And silent are woodland and rill,-

Then the tender-eyed stars in the blue-vaulted
heaven

Display in their silver-tinged gleams

Such glories resplendent as only are given
In the mystical land of dreams.

And sometimes I meet on that peaceful shore
Fair forms of those that I love,-

Of those I shall see on the earth no more,
They are gone to the bright scenes above.
And often with them do I walk once again,
When sunset is flashing its beams

O'er the beautiful vale and far-reaching plain,
In the mystical land of dreams.

Cn the dim, misty shores of that phantom-like Where the ills and the troubles of life are forgot,

Where is found an eternal calm,

Where the wished-for Fountain of Youth, long

sought,

Ripples forth its healing balm.

Fit emblem indeed of that realm serene,
Where refulgence of light ever gleams;
Where Purity dwells, and Heaven is seen,
Is the mystical land of dreams.

LIFE UPON THE RAILWAY, BY A CONDUCTOR.

There is an old saying that the friendship of a dog is better than his ill will, and for many years in my capacity as a railway conductor, I have found the above to be true to a letter-but mind, I am not saying that I have no enemies. I undoubtedly, have a few, and I don't think there is a man that lives but has more or less. A little kindness now and then, to the many needy ones, a conductor will find, almost every trip over his Road, will not be lost, and he will, in many cases, find from his "bread cast upon the waters," a return four-fold. Yet he must use a great deal of judgment in bestowing his charity upon even those he thinks entirely worthy of such bestowal. I will, in this connection, relate an incident by which a little kindness saved my life, and the lives of all the passengers on board my

train.

The Western Division of our Road runs through a very mountainous part of Virginia, and the stations were few and far between. About three miles from one of these stations, the Road runs through a deep gorge of the Blue Ridge, and near the center is a small valley, and there, hemmed in by the everlasting hills, stood a small one-and-a-half-story log cabin. The few acres that surrounded it were well cultivated as a garden, and upon the fruits thereof lived a widow and her three children, by the name of Graff. They were, indeed, untutored in the cold charities of an outside world-I doubt much if they ever saw the sun shine beyond their own native hills. In the summer time the children brought berries to the nearest station to sell, and with the money they earned they bought a few of the necessities of the outside refinement.

The oldest of these children I should judge to be about twelve years, and the youngest about seven. They were all girls, and looked nice and clean, and their healthful appearance and natural delicacy, gave them a ready welcome. They appeared as if they had been brought up to fear God, and love their humble home and mother. I had often stopped my train and let them get off at their home, having found them at the station some three miles from home, after disposing of their berries.

I had children at home, and I knew their little feet would be tired in walking three miles, and therefore felt that it would be the same with those fatherless little ones. They seemed so pleased to ride, and thanked me with such hearty thanks, after letting them off near home. They frequently offered me nice, tempting baskets of fruit for my kindness; yet I never accepted any without paying their full value.