His wife heard him speak, and ran quickly to his bedside.

"Did you speak, my dear?" said she, with the voice of an angel.

"I heard it all, madam," replied Clark.

"All what, my dear?

"The mourning-gay dresses-fringe-every thing. Oh! Maria-Maria !"

"You rave!"

"Oh, is that it?"

"Yes, love. You know she is poor, and her family is large, and it must inconvenience her very much to find mourning for them all. On this ground alone, I oppose it."

"So-so-that's it, is it? I thought you were speaking of me, and it distressed me. Let me beg of you to be more careful for the future." Clark was out in three days, and he now laughs at the matter, which then appeared so horrible.

"HE'S COME."

One of John D.'s best yarns was spun in our hearing a few evenings since, and was substantially as follows:

John was boarding at the National Hotel, at which a Mr. stopped, when doing business in town. Mr. A as a whip," as the Yankees say, and withal (when panion, which naturally enough accounted for his

his hat.

-, a Connecticut manufacturer, also was a prompt and successful business man, "smart business was all "done up snug ") a genial, social comsometimes perambulating with something heavy in

The dining-room of the National is of generous capacity-say one hundred (perhaps more) feet deep -quite a journey from entrance to end. One day, as our narrator was comfortably seated at table, preparing to do ample justice to the merits of a capital dinner, whom should he see enter the dining-room but Mr. minus his hat, but with the brick evidently still adhering to some portion of his upper story. No vacant seat at the lower extremity of the table offered rest and refreshment to the discouraged pedestrian, so he kept on the un-even "tenor of his way," surveying Virginia rail-fence up the right-hand side of the table, until he reached the extreme head, where he found an empty chair tilted forward, equivalent to being labeled "reserved," the property, by courtesy, of a lawyer, whose august presence it was at that moment awaiting. A- made a demonstration toward the vacant chair, but was intercepted by a waiter, who took the liberty of remarking:

"This seat is reserved for a gentleman !"

A drew himself up proudly, "flung" one withering glance of scorn at the impertinent waiter, and remarked, loud enough for the whole table to hear:

"By, he's come!"

The guests, who had watched the whole scene with intense interest, exploded, while Asat down to the enjoyment of his dinner.

THIS FARM FOR SAIL.

coolly

Our friend Jones was riding up in Westchester County, in September last, and saw a board nailed up on a post in the yard of a farm-house, with the sign painted on it: "This Farm for Sail." Always ready for a pleasantry, and seeing a woman in checked sun-bonnet picking up an apronful of chips at the wood pile in front of the house, he stopped, and asked her, very politely, when the farm was to sail? She went on with her work, but replied to his question instanter, "Just as soon as the man comes along who can raise the wind." Jones hit Dobbin a sudden cut with the whip, and dashed on, calling out, "Ga long there! what ye doing here?

THE STOLEN DUCKS.

A man was brought into court on the charge of having stolen some ducks from a farmer. "How do you know they are your ducks?" asked the defendant's counsel. "Oh! I should know them anywhere." said the farmer, who proceeded to describe their peculiarities. "Why," said the prisoner's counsel, "those ducks can't be such a rare breed-I have some very much like them in my yard." "That's not unlikely, sir," said the farmer; "they are not the only ducks I've had stolen lately." Call the next witness.

"KISS ME POLLY, AND OPEN THAT OTHER BOTTLE OF CHAMPAGNE."

It has long been observed by medical writers, that death is frequently preceded by insanity. This reminds us of a case which occurred many years ago in a Philadelphia court, where a pretty young widow was in danger of losing two thirds of her husband's estate; his relations grounded their complaint on the alleged insanity of the defunct. It may be well to premise that the presiding judge was not only convivial but gallant. "What were your husband's last words?" inquired the attorney. The pretty young widow blushed, and looking down, said, "I'd rather not tell." "But indeed you must, ma'am. Your claim may be decided by it." Still the widow declined to answer. At last, a direct appeal from the bench elicited the information. "He said, Kiss me, Polly, and open that other bottle of champagne." We do not know whether it was admiration for the deceased husband or the living wife that inspired the judge at that instant, but he at once cried, with all the enthusiasm of conviction: "Sensible to the last!" And gave a verdict in her favor at once.

THERE'S ICE IN IT.

We were much amused the other day at the coolness of a verdant youth, who sat opposite us at the dinner table, at the Tremont. A gentleman next to him had a bottle of champagne by his side, and after dispatching his "Mock Turtle," a large plate of fish, and being helped to a good-sized piece of roast beef, our individual quietly took hold of his neighbor's bottle, and helped himself to a glass of the sparkling beverage, not a wineglass, but a large tumbler full.

The owner of the wine looked at his neighbor with surprise, but being a gentleman, and supposing him to have committed some mistake, he said not a word. The wine, however, seemed just to suit the palate of our country friend, and the bottle being more than half full, he deliberately helped himself a second time. The gentleman thought it was going rather too far, and could not but exclaim: "Well! That's cool!"

"Oh! ye-e-e-s!" replied the young individual, "there's ice in it."

A general laugh followed this truly cool answer.-Yankee Blade.

THE KIND OF GAME THEY HAVE IN ARKANSAS.

A few days ago, a steamboat stopped at a landing somewhere in Arkansas, to wood. A customer on board the boat took his gun and stepped on shore, hoping that during the hour they were likely to stop he might bag a few birds. After traveling a few rods, he came across a rough-looking fellow, and the following dialogue ensued: "How are you? "How are ye stranger?" replied the Arkansas man. "Have you any game in these parts?" "Oh yes, plenty on 'em." "What sort of game?" " 'Well, 'most any sort, but principally brag and poker!"

STRONG INDUCEMENT TO SETTLE AT THE CAPE.

"

"Polly, dear," said a loving husband to his spouse, who was several years his junior, "what do you say to settling at the Cape? "Oh, I'm delighted with the idea! You recollect when Morgan went out there he was as poor as we are, and he died in three years worth two thousand pounds!"

THE KIND, SYMPATHETIC, AND TRUTHFUL WIFE.

"What is the matter, my dear? asked a wife of her husband, who had sat half an hour with his face buried in his hands, and apparently in great tribulation. "Oh, I don't know," said he; "I have felt like a fool all day." "Well," returned the wife consolingly, "I'm afraid you'll never be any better-you look the picture of what you feel!"

HER HUSBAND WAS A LITTLE CRACKED.

A lady having accidentally broken her smelling-bottle, her husband, who was very petulant, said to her, "I declare, my dear, everything that belongs to you is more or less broken." "True," replied the lady, "for even you are a little cracked!"

NO IDEA OF DOING TOO MUCH FOR HIS EMPLOYERS.

"You can't do too much for your employers, my man," said somebody to a big-fisted, strong-backed man of all work on the wharf, one day. "Arrah, be jabbers," replied Pat, with emphasis, "neither will I."

Why, I heer'd as how you teach navigation, so I tho't I'd come in and larn it this afternoon, 'cause I'm goin' to sea in the mornin'; daddy's capting, and I'm mate.

"BETTER LATE THAN NEVER!"

Fox F and the Bells.-Fox F, known to everybody in this part of the country, is no more -"after life's fitful fever, he sleeps well." He was the very soul of humor, and numerous are the funny stories current, told either by him or of him. On this occasion we will give one of the best of them.

In his young days Fox was a steamboat engineer, and at one time had the head berth on one of the fastest crack packets that ever paddled between the Crescent and Mound Cities. The Captain of this boat had an active mind, and was always studying out hitches and dodges by which to save money and keep up his reputation for quick trips. An idea that he succeeded in hatching out at one time, was an improved method of communication between the pilot and engineer. The time-honored practice of having two bells to the engine, one for starting and stopping, and the other for backing, was entirely too slow for him, or rather too incomplete. So he had a whole lot of bells, of different tones, with pilot house connections, hung up over the engine; and he explained them at due length to Fox.

The big bell was for starting and stopping; this bell was for crowding steam; that, for slacking steam; that other, for backing slow; this one here, for backing fast, etc., etc. After much jangling of the bells and explanation of this kind, the Captain left Fox alone in his glory. Fox had received the instructions quietly and firmly; and if he had any diffidence as to his capability of following the bells correctly, he never betrayed it to any one.

The evening of departure soon came, and steam was raised. Fox was at his post with a very serious face; and the Captain was in the pilot house, for the express purpose of giving Fox his first exercise with the bells. The last plank was hauled in, and "ting-a-ling, ling, ling!" went one of the back bells. Fox sprang at the sound-the wheels gave a big backward pull-the adjoining boats, between which the departing one was tightly jammed, cracked, groaned, and spanged, under the tremendous friction.

"Ting-a-ling, ling!" went another bell. Fox quickly obeyed the order, but before getting through, another bell rang. He was now thoroughly enraged, grinding and ungrinding the crank and jerking and banging the levers; and as he went ahead, the bells of different sounds kept their jangling, in the most terrible confusion.

The effect of all this was rather startling to those on the outer part of the boat. First she backed; then she ran forward bang upon the levee; then backed and pitched forward again, and bumped and twisted about, altogether, in a manner so eccentric, that the Captain left the pilot house in a rage and went tearing and swearing down to the engine room.

"What'n the d-n's the matter?" he shouted as he found the perspiring Fox still screwing and jerking away at the engine-"what the h-1 does all this mean, Fox?

"Go away, Captain, don't talk to me," said Fox, in tones of anguish, now jerking frantically at a lever, "go away, Captain-I'm eight or ten bells behind now, and if you keep talking to me, I'll never ketch up!" The Captain concluded that his engineer and the bells could not agree; and so, after helping Fox out of his dilemma, had all the superfluous bells taken down.-N. O. Crescent.

A SCENE IN A RAILWAY CAR.

A Pretty Wife sleeps in the Arms of a Bachelor.-The traveller who has been fortunate to sit beside an unknown beauty in a railway carriage, and have his conversational powers brought into play by her spirit of sociability, can comprehend the bliss of a good-looking bachelor, whose car adventure we are about to relate. This worthy gentleman was a passenger on the Michigan Central Railroad, and

chanced to be in a car that was pretty well stocked with humanity. He had managed to retain a seat from the commencement of his journey, until the train reached a stopping-place, where a fresh supply of travellers entered it, when he very gallantly surrendered it to an old lady, and made up his mind to stand for a while. Now it happened that a young, handsome, and stylish-looking lady noticed the act, and so pleased was she to see an old woman treated politely, that she at once removed her carpetbag from one end of the seat she occupied, and invited the gentleman to take its place. Nothing loth, our hero accepted the modest invitation, and was soon engaged in friendly conversation with the belle of the train. They chatted in lively style, until "the shades of night were falling fast," when the lady's utterance grew slower, then indistinct, and finally ceased altogether; for she was asleep! Not feeling disposed to follow her example, the gentleman amused himself by watching his fellow-passengers, and was only reminded of his companion's presence by her head touching his shoulder. Morpheus had her completely in his toils, and by a series of graceful nods, she unconsciously sought the support of her railroad acquaintance. The bachelor was delighted at the first gentle touch, but his pleasure, when in the sweet abandonment of sleep her form nestled down until its whole weight bore entirely upon him, baffles description. The better to support his lovely burthen, he placed his arm about her waist, and then gave himself up to the delirium of the moment. Such was the tableau upon which the jovial conductor winked benignly; nor was it marred, until the train reached Battle Creek, where the train from Detroit met it. Shortly after passing the station, a gentleman entered the car containing the personages above referred to, and commenced examining the faces of each occupant, as though he were in search of some friend. In the darkness of the hour, he passed the fair sleeper and her supporter without noticing them, and it was only when he turned to retrace his steps, that the scene attracted his attention. In a moment, the shade of anxiety on his features was succeeded by a frown, and he stepped quickly to the side of the fair sleeper. As his hand descended heavily upon her shoulder, she started, opened her eyes, and sprang to her feet, "blushing celestial rosy red." Before the bachelor could speak, the new-comer politely informed him that he "would take care of his own wife, if he had no objection!" and straightway led the lady to another seat. The explanation that ensued, unfolded the fact that the lady had been absent from her home in Detroit for some time, and was then returning to the arms of her faithful husband, whose impatience led him to meet her half way. Eager to welcome her, he had entered the car at Battle Creek, only to find her sleeping in the arms of a stranger! Of course, the stranger told how it all happened; but the frown did not pass away from the brow of the husband before they reached Detroit.

NEVER BEEN IN THE TOWN BEFORE.

"Can you direct me to the Hotel?" inquired a gentleman with a carpet-bag, of a burly Hibernian, standing on the steps of the railroad station.

"Faith," was the reply, "it's jist I that can do that same. You see you jist go up that strate, till you come to Thaddy O'Mulligan's shop. Then-"

"But I don't know where Thaddy O'Mulligan's shop, as you call it, is."

“O, faith, why didn't I think of that. Well, then, your honor must keep on till ye git to the apple woman's stand, on the corner of the brick church it is, and kape that on the right, and go till ye git to the sign of the big watch, and mind you don't fall down there; then keep on a little farther till ye come to a big tree, and after that you turn to the right or left, but, by the bones of St. Patrick, I don't know which."

The traveller turned in despair to a long, lank Jonathan, who was standing close by, and made the same inquiry.

"Maybe you're going to put up there?" queried Jonathan.

"Yes, I intend to."

"Did you come from far off?"

66

Yes, from Philadelphia!" was the impatient reply.

"Got any more baggage?" said the imperturbable Yankee.

"No, this is all," said the traveller, convinced that the only way to get the direction was to submit to the questioning.

"Going to stay long?"

"Couldn't say," was the reply, in rather a crusty manner. "But I'm in a hurry, and would like to bo directed-"

"Wait a minute. I reckon you're a married man, aint you?"

"No, I am not; and now I wont answer anything more till you have answered."

"Well, squire," said the Yankee, coolly, "I'd like to oblige you, but the truth is, I have never been in the town before myself."

In less than a minute, a carpet-bag with a man attached was seen hurrying away from that vicinity. He didn't find asking directions of any particular advantage.

INCLINED TO BE QUARRELSOME.

There was once a little, slim-built fellow, rich as a Jew, and independent as the devil, riding along a nighway in the State of Georgia, when he overtook a man driving a drove of hogs by the help of a big,