the clerk. "Do you?" said the countryman, "then you had better shut up shop, for you have only one left." CLXXXVII. LACE. A witty fellow bargained to buy as much lace as would reach from one ear to the other. The vendor, who lived in London, consented, but it turned out one of the rascal's ears was nailed to the pillory at Bristol. CLXXXVIII. AN INCH AND AN ELL. A judge, finding out that a criminal, who said his name was Linch, was really called Inch, said "I see how it is; allow him an inch, and he'll take an L." CXXXIX. KETTLE AND SAUCE. A Barrister, attempting to brow-beat a female witness, told her she had brass enough to make a kettle. The woman retorted, "And you have sauce enough to fill it." CXC. HENRY VIII AND FRANCIS I. Henry VIII told his ambassador who was just starting for France, that if the French King should take away his life, he would revenge his death by taking off every Frenchman's head in England. "Yes, Sir," said the nobleman, "and perhaps not one of them would fit my shoulders." CXCI. BOND AND CROMWELL. Colonel Bond died a few days before Cromwell. A wit observed that Oliver had given Bond to the devil for his own appearance. CXCII. DANIEL PURCELL. Daniel Purcell, being asked to make a pun extempore and to take the King as his subject, replied "The King is not a subject." CXCIII. Too LATE. An Irishman, angry at being late, and hearing the clock strike, broke its face with his cane. The owner expostulated. "Faith, sir," said the other, "the clock struck first." CXCIV. LEGAL EVIDENCE. An Irishman, convicted of stealing a pig on the evidence of two eye-witnesses, attempted to refute the charge by bringing twenty witnesses, who swore that they did not see him steal it! CXCV. SPRING-GUNS AND MAN-TRAPS. Some thieves stole a steel-trap and a spring gun, and left on a board these lines addressed to the owner: Stare not, nor let your silly heart be swollen, For Spring-guns will GO OFF and STEEL-traps should be STOLEN. CXCVI. WHOLE-SALE AND RE-TAIL. Some malicious person cut off a gentleman's horse's tail. A wag advised the owner to sell him wholesale. "Why?" said "Because you cannot retail him." the owner. CXCVII. THE KNAVE AND THE FOOL. Two men, joking a friend, asked him whether he was most knave or fool. "In truth," said he, taking an arm of each, "I believe I am between both." CXCVIII. SIlk and WorsTED. An Irishman, who had lost a valuable pair of silk stockings, being afraid that he had offered too small a reward, ordered the crier to that they were worsted. say CXCIX. BREVITY. Quin wrote to Rich the Proprietor of one of the London theatres, with whom he had quarrelled, wishing to renew his engagement but not liking to ask for it directly: "I am at Bath,... Quin." was the Epistle-"Stay there and be d-d." was the reply. A CC. ARMS. An Apothecary chose for his motto the Latin word Persiste. observed that it should have been Perge(purge). wag CCI. Castles. "In a wild and picturesque country, with abrupt hills, and dark sweeping woods, including a vast extent of territorial domain, a castellated mansion might appear appropriate, as more picturesque; but in all modern structures of this kind, however picturesque or magnificent in themselves, there appears something not exactly in accordance with our ideas of propriety. The dislike probably arises from this cause. A vast baronial castle, in times of perfect security, appears like a massy fiction. It is the idea of defence, which gives any castle its most appropriate interest. Its clustering towers, its shade of buttresses, its range of battlements, as far as mere pictures are concerned, must be the same to the eye, whether the castle be old or new. But take away the associations, which the least thought must instantly do, the ideas connected with appropriateness instantly vanish. In the next place, massiveness and extent appear so necessary, that in all modern attempts of the kind, the mind feels that something is always deficient; it is not large, it is not massy enough! But, supposing a castle as large and magnificent as that of Windsor, were now built, it would not be congenial to our feelings, because all harmonizing associations are cut off. Even Windsor Castles loses a great deal of its architectural impression, (if I may use that word,) by the smooth neatness, with which its old towers are now chiselled and mortared. It looks as if it was washed every morning with soap and water, instead of exhibiting here and there a straggling flower, or creeping weatherstains. I believe this circumstance strikes every beholder; but most imposing, indeed, is its distant view, when the broad banner floats or sleeps in the sunshine, amidst the intense blue of the summer-skies, and its picturesque and ancient architectural vastness harmonizes with the decaying and gnarled oaks, coeval with so many departed monarchs. The stately long-extended avenue, and the wild sweep of devious forests, connected with the eventful circumstances of English history, and past regal grandeur, bring back the memory of Edwards and Henrys, or the gallant and accomplished Surrey. ON WINDSOR-CASTLE, WRITTEN 1825, NOT BY A LAUREATE, BUT A POET OF LOYAL, OLD CHURCH-OF-ENGLAND FEELINGS. (The Author had been Chaplain to the Prince Regent.) The Not that thy name, illustrious dome, recals But that my SOVEREIGN here, from crowds withdrawn, He may inhale health's animating breeze; And when from this proud terrace he surveys range of cresting towers have a double interest, whilst we think of gorgeous dames and barons bold, of Lely's and Vandyke's beauties, and gay and gallant and accomplished cavaliers like Surrey. And who ever sat in the stalls at St George's Chapel, without feeling the impression on looking at the illustrious names, that here the royal and ennobled knights through so many generations, sat each installed, whilst arms, and crests, and banners, glittered over the same seat? But, to leave princely residences, times of social comfort and security + Surrey's Poems. |