LVIII. "HERACLITUS RIDENS: AT A Dialogue between Jest and Earnest, concerning the Times. JEST. I'M glad I have met with you. Do you hear of any Committees re-erected at Haberdashers-Hall, or Goldsmithshall? any plunderings, Sequestrations, Decimations, Imprisonments, in the Ships, Peter-house, Lambeth-House, or so? any body that has lately been turn'd out of his House, forc'd to fly, or starv'd for doing the duty of a Christian, and of a Loyal Subject ? EARN. Not a word; I can't guess what you would be at. JEST. Why, the Town rings of Persecution; the Whigs talk of nothing but the tyrannies of Nero and Dioclesian, and the sad State of things in the Primitive times. EARN. I wish any thing could make them Primitive Christians, i. e. obedient and loyal. But if by Persecution you intend the late Essays that have been made towards a Prosecution of Dissenters upon the Penal Laws of the Kingdom, let me tell you, though I am of a Temper tame and mild enough, and, as you know, of no persecuting Spirit, yet to speak a bold Truth to a Friend, I would be heartly glad to see a vigorous Execution of the Laws upon the Persecutors of the Government. JEST. How so! how d'ye mean Persecuters of the Government? EARN. Why, I would appeal to any indifferent man, whether the generality of Dissenters, by banding with the Faction, have not given His Majesty more trouble and greater Affronts than any foreign Enemy the Nation has had these many years? whether 'tis not very probable, the Citizens of Rotterdam would have given more deference to the Inclinations or Aversions of the King, than our Whigs have of late done? and whether they do not still do their utmost to perplex the Publick Administration of Affairs? JEST. That's manifest. EARN. Then I'm sure House-breakers, Highway-men, or any other Malefactors have as just ground for Clamour as they. JEST. Whatever our opinion be of the matter, I can assure you, the Whigs are strangely taken off their wonted briskness; they now walk the streets as demurely as men in debt, with Clouds on their Faces and nothing but Calamity in their Mouths. Nay, they'd almost threaten to flee the Land and put themselves under the protection of the French King in greater numbers than the Hugonots lately came over to implore his Majesties Pity. And a fair swop, cry I. EARN. And I. But with what face can these fellows eat Venison-Pasty and drink Pontaque till their Paunches are as hard as a Drum, and their Eyes start out of their Heads, and yet all the while complain of Persecution. I am confident that those empty squeaking Puppets, their Preachers, are generally more plentifully allow'd by the fond Prodigality of their deluded Followers than most of the Orthodox learned Clergy would expect. JEST. 'Tis very true, as you say, and 'tis methinks as strange; for I have heard some of 'em, whose abilities could not among understanding men advance them above a Groom or Thresher, and yet their maintenance has been more comfortable than an ordinary Bishoprick. I have often admir'd by what method they acquire these advantages? How do they make one of these Pulpit-thumpers ? EARN. A little matter does it. Without fetching the tedious compass of a long expensive Education, they can at any time turn short upon the business; or to humour their Trading way with a suitable Phrase, upon a small Apprenticeship they have liberty to set up. For Gifts, you know, come easier than acquired Learning and Knowledge. The latter are the leisurely effects of Labour and Sweat and Reading, the former are only sudden strong Impulses and fortunate Incomes. JEST. Troth, Brother, bating that you decline the Cant, methinks you have much of the obscurity of a Non-Con. Parson in this talk. I don't fully take you. EARN. I'le tell you then. Take a heavy phlegmatic Blockhead, that could never get learning enough at School to enable him to undergo an Examen for Admission into the University; let him have a strong Aversion to the labour of a Mechanic or the Industry of a Tradesman, i. e. let him be damnably lazy; which with a convenient proportion of Duncery, is a good Call to the Presbyterian Ministry; then let him board a while at Mr. Alsop's or Mr. Doolittle's, and now and then take the Air at any neighbouring true-Protestant Academy, either Newington or Nettlebed; only let him wear a black jump to denote him a Divinity-Intender. Whether he read any Authors, sacred or profane, it matters not much; provided he write Notes after some Belweather of the Party; by repeating of which in the Afternoon to while away the time till the Congregation is full, when he has attain'd to a just Confidence of speaking in publick, and an ability of managing his Grimaces, up starts the gifted Ah-Lard-stripling into the Pulpit, and his first Text is either, 'O, my Leanness, my Leanness;' or "Wo unto me, if I preach not the Gospel." JEST. Wo indeed, for if his pretences to that should fail, he may e'en starve having no hopes of a Livelihood any other way. As you may find it written in Cleveland's Rebel Scot, They wanted food and rayment, so they took Religion for their Semstress and their Cook. But questionless, he must have sometimes more than you speak of, to gain himself a Congregation. EARN. Only some more than ordinary measure of either Mimical Gesture or affected Tone; and if he have both, he is extreamly accomplish'd for a precious Tubster. JEST. Truly, I do think Mimickry goes a great way with 'em from an observation of my own. 1 went once out of Curiosity to see one of 'em preach, for coming late, and his Conventicle being then crowded, I could not bear him six words, but by comparing my Conjectures afterward with the Notes of a beguiled Friend of mine, who zealously wrote after him, I found I had guess'd right what he was at in most particulars. It was Application-time when I came in, and the posture in which I found him was, standing bolt upright with his Arms on kembow, like the Ears of a Sillybub Pot, which look'd very magisterially; and by that I took him to be at an Use of Reproof; then he presently changed to a loud thick clapping of his Hands which methought serv'd to the driving home and clenching his farthing-Tack of an Argument. After this he lays himself forward on the Pulpit-Cushion, and falls contracting and expanding his Arms, as if he had been a swimming; but to what use that should serve I could not indeed imagine, unless 'twere to shew himself a painful Preacher. By and by I saw him weaving from one side of the Pulpit to t'other, and drawing up the muscles of his Face into an obliging Grin, and from that I collected he was upon the point of Consolation. Lastly, by observing the Hats of the Congregation to be all of a sudden turned away, like Ballad-singers, but with the open side to the Tubster, taking great care that what came in at one Ear might not go out at t'other, and my Gentleman thereupon winking and kneading, I was sure he was got in his concluding Prayer. Upon the whole, to my thinking, Lacy or Nokes might preach as edifying a Sermon without speaking a word. EARN. Concerning his Tone I will not ask you, because yon acknowledge you could not hear him. JEST. Not his words articulately and distinctly; but I heard sometimes a deep hollow grumble, like the noise of a stone ratling down a Well; then a loud stentorophonic bawl, which presently was rais'd to an high scream upon the Key in which a nice Lady squeaks at the sight of a Frog; and by and by a Maudlin sort of a Whine, in which he continued so long till I could observe the tears drop from his Nose. And these for ought I could see were the only allurements that decoy'd in so many Followers. EARN. I no more wonder at the multitude of their Followers, than at the Crouds that gaze at the Mountebank Stage Their Leaders have wit enough to know the generality of the common people (especially the Women, with whom, according to the Apostle, their chief business lies) to be ignorant, easie and seducible; and therefore they never apply to their Reasons but to their humours and Fancies; and instead of taking pains to enable themselves to speak sense for the improvement of the understandings of their Congregations (which good end, if attain'd would put their craft in danger to be set at nought) they take the readier way of addressing to their passions and tempers, and thereby rendring themselves Masters of their Weaknesses and lesser Inclinations, they secure an implicit approbation of their words or actions. JEST. And when this is once atchiev'd, the poor Disciple is miserably Priest-ridden, nothing must be too good for the man in the Caps; somewhat laid down for Entrance, and a constant Rent for a Pew, and that excessive enough if his place be high; then comes the demure thing a visiting, and he must not be dismist empty-bellied, nor empty-handed, for fear he should shake the dust off his feet. If he chance to scrible a Book, his Auditor must take a certain number off his hands at a certain Rate, though he want money for necessaries, as I have known it done. Beside now and then Contributions to a wandring Apostle that is not settled, that is, wants Booth; and beside that which is more than all this, the continual drainings on the Wives' part. So that a wealthy Disciple duly qualified with a silly Wife is a good Farm to a Holderforth. EARN. And hence it is, that I always look upon a Conventicle to be nothing but a little Convent, not only in the Grammatical way, but in their absolute obedience to their Superiors distinct and often contrary to the Regal Authority, which both of them with all their force jointly or severally endeavour to batter down or diminish. JEST. I must be gone, except you can give me any diversion with a new Pamphlet or two. |