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PEDLAR. What a first rate place that is for music.
KENTUCK. Don't talk of York music. I have a horn as come from France that 'll turn all the milk sour when you blow it hard.
Pedlar. And I have a trumpet that will throw a monkey into fits.
KENTUCK. Why, I can whistle better than some of them common trumpets. I whistled once kind of sharp, and it gave a polecat the agy.
PEDLAR. When I was last at the Bowery, the musisioners played so strong that it tuk two men to hold the leader of 'em in his seat; and in one part he played so fast, six of the others couldn't overtake him, although they all did their tightest.
KENTUCK. It takes me to sit some tunes as I can play, and I can hardly. I played on an old frying-pan once so powerful that it driv away the mice.
Pedlar. That was 'cause the frying-pan was cracked, and driv everything as mad as itself.
KENTUCK. Well, I'll tell you a fact. There's a fife in Kentuck that once whistled so piercing, that it bore a hole slick through the shingles.
Pedlar. Yes, that 's true ; and there 's a drum at the Bowery that has to be played by a leetle baby; for if a grown man was to try it, it would go like thunder, and pre-haps blow the roof off the house.
FARMER. I want to tell you two of a dream I had the other night. I dreamt as all the liars was dead, and it's come true.
Kentuck. Yes, they ’re all dead.
KENTUCK. You've seen something, that 's a fact, though you are a leetle man.
Where were you raised ? PEDLAR. Why, I was raised, I expect, in Connecticut. I'm four feet nothing and a half, with one over when my boots are on. My father lived in Birmingham, fourteen miles from Rome, and not far from Syracuse. My father built the first house there, and named it after a power of pans called Birmingham hardware, as we had on hand from Boston. Twelve new towns have been fixed since then all round
When they all join considerable, my father is going to call it Mount Olympus, and I calcylate it 'll be the finest city in this or any other country:
Kentuck. Tell your father not to make a 'ramus of himself. I read in a York paper the other day that Uncle Sam had sixteen towns already, all called Mount Impus, and thirty-six called Co. lumby.
Pedlar. But father's Mount will be the most insulting. It'll have a perfect contempt for the others, and I guess will show it considerable no ways slow. Here's another wagon coming along the 'pike. Uncle Sam's soldiers in her ; some Irish deserter, I guess.
A wagon here came to the door with four regular soldiers (neither “ military” nor militia) and a man in a plain dress in it. They alighted and came into the house. This was the first time I had seen or heard of a deserter from the American army, and my curiosity was alive to know what his punishment would be. But the Kentuckian saved me the trouble of asking any questions.
KENTUCK. Where were you raised ? This small man says you are an Irishman.
DESERTER. I was raised in Ohio. I'm a real American, I am.
KENTUCK. Now how came you to be a soldier and desert ? Did you like it first, but not after?
DESERTER. I never was a soldier, noway I wasn't, except in fun.
KENTUCK. That's right. No true American born, free and equal, can put up with being a soldier, except a captain or major. It 'll do very well for the English and Irish, I expect, but not for us. shouldn't be soldiers, but military and militia. Let the British be soldiers.
SOLDIER. Don't be thratning the Irish and Gineral Jackson, who's one on’em, (long life to him!) with disrespect, if you please, Misther Spalpeen, or we'll have a little quarrel.
KENTUCK. Well, soldier, you'll find me all iron, I calcylate. I'm a Kentucky screamer, I am, and maybe a snapping turtle now and then.
SOLDIER. Wid all my sowl you may be a hedgehog, or any other of them wild animal creatures.
KENTUCK. I am, soldier.
Blood and thunder! don't talk to me bigger than a bullock. It's no use. You're only a native, and doesn't the counthry belong to Gineral Jackson and the Irish ?*
2ND SOLDIER. It does. Let him answer that; but he can't.
KENTUCK. Say that in Kentuck, and then look at yourself in a glass. So you wasn't a soldier ?
DESERTER. No. I was down in Phillydelphy, and lost all my money, thirty dollars hard Jackson; so I hard there was a troop going out to Ohio, and I joined 'em for company home. But not liking 'em sufficient, I left 'em on the road, but they fixed me again.
KENTUCK. Shame on 'em, foreign varmint ! Write to Andrew Jackson.
DESERTER. Its no use ; it isn't his department. Besides, I know him too well; he's a perfiderous letter-writer, he is. I once writ to him, and sent him a' fishing net, spick and span new, of my own making, with a hint that he might put me into a custom-house or a post-office, if he wanted to behave handsome: but I never got an
KENTUCK. Why didn't you send for the net back agin?
DESERTER. So I would, for it was cruel elegint ; but I got a letter from some fellow at Washington, saying that General Jackson begged him to say that he was much obliged to me for the net, which convinced him the manyfactors of this here free country was brought to the highest pitch of perfiction, and I never hard agin of the net no way:
KENTUCK. What 'll they do to you now, anyhow? Prison you ?
This curious assertion is always to be heard during the progress of street sqnabbles between the Irish and native Americans.
other these varmints of soldiers. I shall have extra work as an outpost, and am almost sure to be shot and scalped by the Dog-ribs, I calcylate.
KENTUCK. Move heaven and earth, and get through between.
it would be. KENTUCK. Here's four and a fip; and the pedlar there will give something, though he is so small; and the Yorker too, who's cuter at clearing out of a bargain than ever I seen.
PeDLAR. Here's a levy, and the captain shall let us have a sling each. I'd give you more, but the mayor of the last town fined me twenty dol. lars for selling in Delaware without a license.* I have licences for seventeen states, but not for leetle Delaware.
* A pedlar requires a license for every state in which he travels; and as the state of Delaware, between New York and Pennsylvania, can be travelled over in a few hours, the license is frequently attempted to be evaded, and the authorities consequently keep a sharp look out.
PAPER MONEY LYRICS.
LOVE AND THE FLIMSIES.
Little Cupid one day on a sunbeam was floating,
Above a green vale where a paper-mill play'd;
The whirl and the splash that the water-wheel made.
Round the miller's viranda that cluster'd and twined ;
This spot of the earth woulú be most to iis mind.
Rigid of limb and complacent of face,
And picking his pocket with infinite grace.
His bonny Scotch burthen arose on the air,
Which begins with sweet home and which terminates there:
And in rush'd a rabble with steel and with stone,
The mill to a million of attoms was blown.
When the quaker was vanish'd no eye had seen where;
Was sprawling and bawling with heels in the air.
Pursuing the fragments that floated on high,
Till he gather'd his hands full, and flew to the sky.
" What are these little talismans cypherd-One-One ?
Though their smell is like none of the newest, poor Johu."
They're a sort of fool's gold among mortals, tis true;
Sipce on earth they so often have bought and sold you."