KITTY (crying). And not to be lightly entered into. 1 know, I know it all; I've read the marriage service ever since I was sixteen. And I know all about the solemnity and "I, M, take thee, N," and all the rest of it. Oh! oh! oh! CAPT. M. What have I done! Made you miserable? Forgive me! I came on the most blissful of errands,―to speak to you of love and marriage; and see how clumsily I have gone about it. There! there (trying to pacify her)!

MISS T. (behind the screen, takes the letter from her bosom and tears it to pieces, speaking sadly:) I am old-an old, old woLet me take off this frivolous garb. How thankful I am that I have heard him before I met him.

man.

The Captain still pacifying Kitty; Miss T. unperceived slips past the screen, crosses the stage and exits.

CAPT. M. Ah! Now you smile again, and I am forgiven? KITTY (knotting her handkerchief). There isn't anything to forgive, but I forgive you all the same.

CAPT. M. I dare say I made a sad bungle of it.

KITTY. So many elderly people make bungles. They seem to think that we young people haven't a grain of sense, because we don't use it as we use pepper and salt to season everything we are regaled upon.

CAPT. M. I dare say I am elderly.

KITTY. Oh, frightfully.

CAPT. M. While your aunt

KITTY. You said my aunt should not be brought in. (Aside.) I'll bring her in, though.

CAPT. M. I merely remarked

KITTY. Pardon me! You meant to remark

KITTY. That while you are horribly old
CAPT. M.

Old!

KITTY. Quite a relic. That while you are a second Methusaleh, aunty is in the enjoyment of incessant youthfulness. I will not deceive you, Captain May, my Aunt Agatha has discovered the philosopher's stone, and has turned everything into gold, and herself into a being who will never arrive at maturity-I just now told you that she is a baby. CAPT. M. (in reverie.) She used to be very sweet.

KITTY. She's a great deal sweeter now. All the men for miles around rave about her.

CAPT. M. They used to rave about her twenty years ago. KITTY. It's worse now. An undertaker wants her.

CAPT. M. (in horror.) An undertaker wants her! Whywhy

KITTY. Oh, merely to take a house near a college.

CAPT. M. Near a college?

KITTY. So that he may have a brisk trade in the families of the sophomores.

CAPT. M. (laughing.) You ridiculous Kitty.

KITTY. Then why did you make me cry.

CAPT. M. Seriously, Kitty,

KITTY. Seriously, Captain May,

CAPT. M. Your aunt is very young in appearance, I presume?

KITTY. I have told you twice that she is a baby. She could not be younger than that.

CAPT. M.

me, of course?

Younger!

KITTY. Of course.

Ah-younger looking than-than

Captain M. slyly gets possession of the hand-glass and looks into it,

KITTY. I only wish she would hurry. Younger looking than you! My goodness! wait till you see her!

CAPT. M. She goes out a good deal, eh?

KITTY. Indeed she does.

CAPT. M. She always went out a good deal.

KITTY. She goes once a week to the rectory to make up flannel for the dear little Indians; two days to church; a half day to read to people who never learned the art. The other three days and a half she is occupied in keeping me from saying anything about her to quizzing elderly gentle.

men.

CAPT. M. Elderly gentlemen! come here?

Do elderly gentlemen

KITTY. There was one here to-day.

CAPT. M. (putting down glass and rising.) Yes, Kitty, I am old,-far too old for nonsense, and far too old for you to sit there and laugh at me.

KITTY (rising and going to him). Oh, Captain, pray forgive me; you are too dear to me for me to make a jest of

Enter Miss T. in first dress, and with cap.

MISS T. (going to Captain M. and smilingly giving him her hand.) I am very glad to see you, Captain May.

CAPT. M. Agatha-Miss Trelawney, after all these years of absence!

KITTY. Why, aunty, you promised me you'd put on your lovely young robe. You look almost elderly in that thing. MISS T. I am honored by this visit, Captain May; a visit of business presumably.

CAPT. M. My old friend!

MISS T. You compliment me by calling me such. Time has dealt kindly with you, Captain May.

CAPT. M. Captain May! I should have known you anywhere, Agatha.

MISS T. (laughing.) You flatter me. (Soberly.) But this matter of importance which you have to communicate? You will pardon me, but I am expected at the rectory

CAPT. M. (stiffly.) Yes, to sew flannel for Indian babies. This welcome quite overpowers me; it is scarcely what one would have looked for after twenty years of separation.

Miss T. I am sorry; but then age makes one practical. And the matter of importance?

CAPT. M. Upon my word, madame!

KITTY (rubbing her hands). It's coming! it's coming!

CAPT. M. The matter, madame, is this

KITTY. Oh! (Goes to piano and runs her hand over the keys.) MISS T. I await your pleasure, Captain May.

CAPT. M. I-ah-ahem! Your niece-ah-ahem!

MISS T. (cheerfully.) My niece

CAPT. M. Has become the object of—a man's devotion. MISS T. I know it.

KITTY. O aunty, don't fib! Who told you?

CAPT. M. You are apprised of this?

MISS T. Let me not act as though I am in ignorance of anything you may say to me. Besides, I am anxious to get to the rectory. I know all that you would tell me. When you first entered this room with my niece, I was behind that screen, and before I had a chance to escape, heard

something of what you told her. Allow me to congratulate you on the manner in which you have fulfilled your office. CAPT. M. Then you consent to this marriage?

MISS T. I do, most heartily.

KITTY (running to her).

MISS T. (repulsing her.)

Oh, you delicious aunty!

Go away, Kitty! go away, I say!

KITTY. Why, Aunt Agatha

CAPT. M. And I may tell him so?

MISS T. Tell him! Tell whom?
CAPT. M. Jack, my nephew.

Miss T. (feebly.) Jack, your nephew! What has Jack, your nephew, to do with it?

CAPT. M. Then you do not know the gist of the matter? KITTY. I knew you were fibbing; you don't know it. But you've said I might accept,-Captain May has your word for it. I never told you, but it's Jack May, the Captain's brother's son, my dear Jack!

MISS T. His nephew! Jack (putting her hand to her head)! CAPT. M. Agatha! what is it? Is it possible

MISS T. I thought-I thought

CAPT. M. Agatha, tell me-after all these years—my old affection for you-which has never failed

KITTY. Oh, that's coming, too. (Runs to piano and plays softly, "When other lips and other hearts,” etc.)

CAPT. M. Speak, speak, Agatha. You thought that Kitty's suitor

MISS T. Kitty! Kitty!

KITTY. Don't appeal to me; I refuse to have anything to do with you. Only let me tell you that I know your story from beginning to end, Agatha Trelawney, Jack told me. Besides (playing), you're in a hurry to get to the rectory. CAPT. M. (excitedly.) Agatha, Agatha, tell me tell me you thought

MISS T. From what I overheard I thought-I feared-O Richard, that you were Kitty's suitor.

CAPT. M. When I remember twenty years back, Agatha? He holds his arms out, and Miss T. with a glad cry runs to him, placing her hands before her eyes and resting her head upon his shoulder, Kitty singing “When other lips," etc., as curtain falls.

HE WAS NEVER KNOWN TO SMILE.*

CHARLES BARNARD.

CHARACTERS.

ROYSTEROUS PECULIAR JONES, a serious young man.

CLARA, a young thing, engaged to Roysterous.

MRS. ROBERTS, Clara's mother.

DOCTOR COCAINE, a physician of the new school.

SCENE.-A parlor with entrances at right and left. Simple furni ture. Time-Summer afternoon. Modern costumes. After rise of curtain, enter Clara, followed by Mrs. Roberts, at right.

CLARA. I tell you, mother, I cannot stand it any longer Dear Roysterous is so grave and solemn that I fear he is not happy.. We have been engaged a month, and he has not smiled once.

MRS. ROBERTS. You must do nothing rash, Clara. Marriage is a serious business, and, of course, dear Mr. Jones takes a becoming view of it. I'm sure he says he's very happy.

No! he never, never I'm sure nobody ever

CLARA. Then why don't he smile? smiles. He says it's a waste of time. accused him of laughing. Didn't I ask him how he pronounced d-o and t-o-o and d-e-w, and how he pronounced the second day of the week?

MRS. R. That's nothing. Anybody knows it's Tuesday. CLARA. Dear Roysterous calmly said Monday, without a smile, and it nearly killed me.

MRS. R. (seriously.) I blush for you, Clara. Such lightminded conduct would make any man grave.

CLARA. I shall go to an early grave if this thing goes on. Either Mr. Jones must smile or I shall break off the engagement.

MRS. R. Why not consult Dr. Cocaine? He is to call on me this afternoon. (Looking at watch.) It's time he should be here. It may be the young man is the victim of some mental trouble that prevents him from smiling. Besides, you know he's an orphan.

CLARA. Yes, I've heard him say so often.

*Written expressly for this collection. All rights reserved.