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what were called the late Lord Londonder-expatiates on snug lying in a quiet situation; ry's Gagging Bills.
the other on picturesque lying in a roman. Our rupture with China naturally put tea- tic one; whilst both agree that no time is dealers on their mettle, and many elderly to be lost, if the purchaser partakes of the females invested a large portion of their sa- same feeling as the Somersetshire squire, vings in Souchong, in order to be provided who strictly enjoined his heir to bury him against contingencies. Captain Pidding oc- in a field with his favorite dog and best cupied a conspicuous place amongst the in- borse, so that, when the last trump soundterested alarmists, and made the most of the ed, the horse might enable him to get a good panic
start, and the dog keep off the crowd. “KE-SHIN, STAE DREADED HOUR.'
When Sir Lucius spoke of " snug lying," “If there be any thing in a name, that of Ke- he spoke without the fear of resurrectionshin, the Chinese commissioner nominated to men before his eyes. Since his time, a new meet Elliot at Canton, is, in its Chinese definition
source of apprehension has sprung up, from given above, ominous of sad results. Our pre- which none of us can be altogether free, vious knowledge of Ke-shin's opinion of the unless we think and act like old Dr. Monbest "Mode of Managing the English,' gives us reason to dread the hour when he shall sit in sey, (old enough to know better, for he was judgment upon English commerce. Ke-shin, in more than ninety when he died,) who dia Memorial addressed to the Emperor in Dec. rected his body, after undergoing dissec1838, recommends him to put an entire stop to tion, to be crammed into a box with holes, all foreign intercourse for ten years, when," he and Aung into the Thames. As many, par. says , ' the English will pay gold
and silver for ticularly women, feel a sort of creeping and tea and rhubarb.' shin, “subsist, day by day, upon beef and mutton, shivering at the idea of a post-mortem examand every day after meals they take this divine ination, they may not be sorry to hear that medicine, i. e. tea and rhubarb, in order to get a there is a mode of averting this exposuremotion in their bowels.' This is the advice of PATENT COFFIN FOR THE SECURITY OF THE Ke-shin, the most influential minister at the Dead.-As the time has arrived when the grave. Court of Pekin, and now appointed Examiner robbers commence their depredations, the proof the English."
prietors beg leave to inform the public, that the Ke-shin's
's policy may be read with a smile, Patent Coffins are on such a principle as to prebut “mutato nomine, de te (in a double vent their being opened, and that they hare been sense) fabula narratur.” It is an exact im. generally approved by the great number of ladies
and gentlemen who have seen them.” itation of Mr. Percival's, who gravely enumerated the straitening of their
An assembly to inspect coffins must have ica as one of the inconveniences likely to
been a grave spectacle.
The advertisement of Tanner's pens is a incline the French to peace. The inimitable Peter Plymley has embalmed the mem- by a shower of mottoes
curiosity of the first water. It is headed ory of this plan
,' Il faut saisir l'occasion aux chevaux. " At what period was this great plan of con- 6. Probatum est-Bona fide-Utile dulce-Ne quest and constipation fully developed? In plus ultra-Summum bonum-Credenda. Upon whose mind was the idea of destroying the pride improved, self-renovating, philosophical princiand the plasters of France first engendered ? ples. Without castor oil they might for some months, *" Il faut casser le noyau pour avoir l'amande, to be sure, have carried on a lingering war; Il n'y a que le premier pas qui coute. but can they do without bark? Will the people
Then comes the philosophical explanation live under a Government where antimonial powders cannot be procured? Will they bear of the instrumentthe loss of mercury ? • There's the rub. De- “ Depicting ideas into vision in the portraiture pend upon it, the absence of the materia medica of conception, by legible characters, is the noblest will soon bring them to their senses, and the cry invention of which mankind can boast and such is of Bourbon and Bolus burst forth from the Baltic the characterisic reputation of this beautifully finto the Mediterranean."
ished instrument, in accomplishing with persecSir Lucius O'Trigger, after very properly shed fluid with such pre-eminent qualities, which
tion the above desired object-indeed no pen ever laying before Bob Acres the chances of a its excelsitudinal station sufficiently attestates; fatal result, inquires : “How, if that should therefore Richard Tanner is proud to acknowbe the case, would
you choose to be pickled ledge that a discerning public has presented the and sent home? Or would it be the same most gratifying tribute to its merits in an extento you to lie here in the Abbey? I'm told sive and still increasing consumption.
“ But yet you draw not iron, for my heart there is very snug lying in the Abbey.".
Is true as steel, that bends with gratitude." This is much the style in which the propri
Finis coronat opus. ety of choosing a Cemetery is pressed upon "Richard Tanner's celebrated, resplendent, the public by rival companies. The one unparagoned, caligraph, incomparable, pre-emi
nently approved graphometrical, prophylactic, bring not only steel pens but iron beds parallel, trichotomical, coadjuvant pliancy, un into general use immediately. paralleled, self-renovating, ever-pointed, emendated, denticuled, spheroidical, transilient rectific thing be urged in defence of the present cations, mathematically serrated, of octagonal system of plucking? It has been said that angulations, amalgamated of almadine, zigzag,
the geese get used to it, and that it even bemagnetic, trigonal, oblong, four-springed Tan- comes an agreeable excitement towards the nerian Pens."
latter period of their lives; like the fleshThis is hardly worthy Mr. Tanner. Any brush, or hair-glove, employed to quicken
But the kinone can write down a string of hard words the circulation of old men. at random. But the large and respectable dred fallacy regarding eels was formally declass of the community who refused to con
molished by Mr. Bentham in his very last sume home-made sugar, will be compelled, pamphlet, entitled Boa Constrictor :--- The by the following paragraph, to forswear the eel," said the sage, “is not used to be skinemployment of the quill
ned successively by several persons; but “The stripping of geese, as practised in Lin- ly to skin several eels.” Use cannot avail
one and the same person is used successivecolnshire and Cambridge, reflects a reproach on the goose in his first and worst plucking; our moral and philosophical pretensions, which and it must be a consciousness of this that are accounted the most perfect and excellent to be makes the young ones so “very noisy and imagined, and this cruelty is apologized for by unruly.” The complaint of the operator reutility ; but what plea can be offered for such minds us of the fishmonger who was overpreposterousness, whilst creation is agonized heard cursing an eеl for not lying still. and tortured in order to afford a scanty supply of Neither is the behavior of the elderly that which Art abundantly furnishes us, and this of super-excellent qualities. Were a disciple of geese a proof that they do not suffer pain, Descartes to witness the streams of impurpled any more than the composure of Guatimodye, and the half-expiring contortions of these zin was a proof that he was really on a bed birds, he would recant alliance to that vain rea- of roses. The Strasburg goose is fixed soner ; however, the intelligent majority form a near a great fire, with its feet nailed upon a powerful rampart in our favor, who, by their plank, crammed with food, and deprived of example and influence, produce more charity drink'; yet “when he reflects ihat his are plucked five times a-year for feathers and liver, bigger than himself, loaded with trufquills: the first of which is at Lady-day, and the files, and clothed in a scientific paste, will, same renewed four times between that and through the instrumentality of M. Corcellet, Michaelmas; the old ones submit quietly to the diffuse all over Europe ihe glory of his operation, but the young are very noisy and un- name, he resigns himself to his destiny, and ruly. I observed that goslings of six weeks old suffers not a tear to flow.""* A Lincoln were not spared this bleeding process, to habituate them early to what they were to come to. If goose may surely equal a Strasburg goose the season prove cold, numbers hereot die by this in fortitude, when he reflects that his down barbarous savage custom. I recently addressed may form the couch of beauty, and the one of the operators, who complained, with affected noblest productions of genius be transmit. sensibility, horo difficult it was to possess the plu- ted to posterity by his quill. mage without the life! which the expiring contor- Mr. Tanner's pens are classified by numtions of several birds indicated. Cannot the Sci bers, from which the purchaser is recom: ence of Writing be improved and increased without inflicting such violence? The Roman and mended to select. No.5, is the Fine Ladies' Spartan historians descant upon their jurispru- Pen; No. 6, is the Solicitor's Pen. The dence code, advocating, greater lenity to the other numbers are distinguished by the dumb than to man; and in the present refined hardness or softness of the instrument. state of society, we anticipate the system of mer- Mr. Tanner is also the sole inventor of a ey (i. e. the use of Tanner's Pens) io be adopted | wonderful ink, the only ink which can be generally, and this hope of reformation arises used with his pens without disgracing them: from the intelligent majority, who recognise and respect the feelings of creation that vibrate in “ Tobago Permanent Anti-corrosive Limpid ourselves, and who endeavor by practice to les-Ink, and Immarcessible Atramental Fluid-That sen the preponderation of torture imposed on its facilitates writing by flowing from the pen in a happiness. But Great Britain, rich in arts and certain gradual stream to the paper, obviating sciences !
the unpleasant obstruents which are so justly The abruptness of the concluding apos
complained of in other inks.
“Unmindful of controvertists, we declare that trophe proves Mr. Tanner to be no mean this succedaneum must supersede all others ! proficient in rhetoric, though the gram. Why? For obvious reasons. During a Five matical structure of his sentences might years' residence in the island of Tobago, I obbe improved. The argument ad misericor. served the sudden exsiccative effect that the clidiam is unanswerable, and will probably
Almanach des Gourmands.
mate produced upon Inks imported: this induced For when cold scraps provoke his spleen me to experiment upon the indigenous plants, On washing-day, the husband cross woods, and barks there, in which, after a length
Shall wear again a brow serene, ened perseverance, I discovered ingredients that
Soothed by a taste of Goodman's sauve." produced a cerulean atramental Limpid Fluid, Madame de Sévigné tells us that Vatel fell and which preserved its fluency without ab- upon his sword because the sea-fish did not sorption under the sun's verticality; the trans- arrive in sufficient quantities, despairing not cendent superiority hereof stands unparalleled in at the non-arrival of one but many fish-carts; the annals of record, for resisting arefaction, re- and we do not exactly see how Mr. Goodfluents, concretion, sediment, tenacity, greasiness, and every chemical and atmospherical man's sauce could have averted the catas. agent
, and for combining denigration, limpid-trophe, unless indeed it could convert pike ness, permanency, fluidity, to perfection. The and perch into sole and turbot, or (which is possessed written documents, performed with the same thing) make it impossible to dis. the same seven years since, will abundantly de- tinguish one from the other. The for is monstrate this Credenda."
rather bold, though warranted by the pracA late member for Southwark was once tice of modern poets. pleased to talk of a phenomena in the House of Commons. “ This Credenda” may be
" The goose that on our Ock's green shore
Thrives to the size of Albatross, justified on the same principle. We hope Is twice the goose it was before, Mr. Tanner will be sent for five or seven
When washed with Neighbor Goodman's sauce. And ye, fal trout and eels
may feed years to some other island, for ink has not
Where Kennet's silver waters loss, yet been brought to perfection.
Proud are your Berkshire hearts to bleed The advertisement of “Goodman's Vale When drest with Goodman's Prime Vale Sauce” is a regular literary olio, a sort of
Sauce." prolusio academica, as much within our crit- The concluding invocation is beyond all ical jurisdiction as Dr. Hawtrey's Trilogy, praise. The readiness of the Kennet trout in which the same sentiments are clothes and eels to bleed for the honor of Berkin three languages. Mr. Goodman's inven- shire, is only to be paralleled by the Stras. tion is celebrated in four; English, French, burg goose aforesaid, who was probably in German and Italian. The English, we learn the mind of the poet. from good authority, is from the able pen In the second volume of his “American of “Buller of Brazennose," a well known Notes,” Mr. Dickens gives some pages of contributor to Blackwood's Magazine. It advertisements like the following-seems that Mr. Goodman differs in one res
“RAN Away, Negress Caroline.-Had on a pect from Homer. His birthplace is well collar with one prong turned down.". known, being Uffington in Berkshire. The “Ran Away, the Negro Ham.-Has a ring first stanza places this fact beyond dispute with iron on his left foot. Also, Gresi, his wife, “ Dear is the vender's native town,
bearing a ring and chain on the left leg." Though cheap this product of his skill;
“Ran Away, a Negro Woman and two child. Here Alfred baitled for his crown,
ren; a few days before she went off I burnt her And graved his white horse on our bill." with a hot iron on the left side of the face. I
tried to make the letter M." Does the writer mean that Uffington is
“Ran Away, a Negro named Arthur.-Has a dear to Mr. Goodman, or dear in opposition considerable scar across his breast and each arm, to cheap? Did Alfred bury his horse, or made by a knife : loves to talk much of the goodengrave its figure on the hill ? We pro- ness of God.” ceed
This man Arthur must be as complete an “Our hill, of pic-nic spots the chief,
optimist as "Candide's" tutor. It is imposWhere fair ones, couch'd on flowery moss, sible not to agree with Mr. Dickens, that Enjoy our matchless vale-fed beef Married to Goodman's matchless sauce.
such a state of things is disgraceful to a The bold Uffinga's bones repose
country which claims to be considered the Beneath our ancient Minster's cross; greatest and most enlightened in the world; On our rich soil the mushroom grows but we regret, that, with so many unanswer.
That lends a zest to Goodman's sauce." The first of these verses throws a pleasing rested the chief strength of his argument
able topics within his reach, he should have light on the habits of the Uffington beauties, on a fallacy. It is a fallacy to attribute who, it appears, eat beef reclining on moss, duelling, as practised in the slave-holding like Roman beauties on their cubicula. The second rather indiscreetly discloses a main prevail in them, to slavery. The Greeks
states, or many other brutal practices that ingredient in the condiment.
and Romans did not fight duels, nor was it “Great Condé's cook fell on his sword,
customary for the planters in our own sugar Despairing at his fish-cart's loss; A proof that Condé's princely board
islands to shoot or stab each other in their Lack'd such resource as Goodman's sauce.
Houses of Assembly.
In the volume of Essays by which the men, who had intrusted him with large sums same gifted author, under the signature of upon the faith of the most preposterous "Boz," first fixed the attention of the pub- statements; and Sir C. F. Williams (the lic, is an Essay on gin-shops, at the com- bankrupt commissioner) took occasion to mencement of which he takes occasion to make reflections on the proneness of the mention the liability of trades to run stark- Clergy to be led astray by the filthy love of staring mad, periodically.
lucre. We will cite two or three cases in illustration The Political Economists suffered most of our meaning :-Six or eight years ago the from the failure of the United States Bank. epidemic began to display itself among the linen The losses incurred by other instances of drapers and haberdashers. The primary symp: American insolvency and bad faith were toms were, an inordinate love of plate-glass, and a passion for gas-lights and gilding. The dis- pretty equally distributed; nor can any one ease gradually progressed, and at last attained a be blamed for not supposing that such a fearful height; quiet, dusty old shops in different barefaced system of robbery would be atparts of town were pulled down; spacious pre-tempted by States pretending to the honors mises, with stuccoed fronts and gold letters, were or advantages of civilization. erected instead; floors were covered with Turkey The top of the second column of the carpets; roofs supported by massive pillars; Times is devoted to advertisments of the doors knocked into windows; a dozen squares of glass into one ; one shopman into a dozen; and pathetic, appealing, interesting, remonstratthere is no knowing what would have been done, ing, despairing, or denouncing orderif it had not been fortunately discovered, just in “For God's sake return or write.-Do, deartime, that the commissioners of bankrupls were est Billy, do.” as competent to decide such cases as the com- “F-y and M-eare implored to return to missioners of lunacy, and that a little confine their home and corrowing parents.-E.” ment and gentle examination did wonders. The
“ To CHARLES.—What can be the good of disease abated. It died away; and a year or plaguing us? At all events, you might give us two of comparative tranquillity ensued. Suddenly it burst out again among the chemists; the kymptoms were the same, with the addition of a
“ . Thus I sue for forgiveness. The writer strong desire to stick the royal arms over the is desired to return immediately to the port at shop door, and a great rage for mahogany, var- which he shipped himself; he will go to an inn nish, and expensive floor-cloths. Then the ho- and report himself instantly by letter, addressed eiers were infected, and began to pull down their to. A. B., 5, Museum Street, Bloomsbury, who shop-fronts with frantic recklessness. The mania will there see him; or he can write an uncle, (a again died away, and the public began to con- new, but idiomatic expression.) He will comgratulate themselves upon its entire disappear-municate his wishes.” ance, when it burst forth with tenfold violence “How can C. T. prefer wandering amongst among the publicans and keepers of wine-vaults. strangers to a quiet and virtuous home? If he From that moment it has spread among them will come back, the greatest care shall be taken with unprecedented rapidity, exhibiting a conca of him during his mental aberrations.” tenation of all the previous symptoms; and on- “ To R. E. L.-You have only a week more. ward it has rushed to every part of the town, Repent and reform within this time, or we cast knocking down all the old public houses, and de
off for ever.” positing splendid mansions, stone balustrades, rosewood fittings, immense lamps, and illumin- The two following are well knownated clocks, at the corner of every street." “IF WILLIAM will return to his affectionate
These are the standing advertisements of parents, he shall not be snubbed by his sister, blue, and other sorts of ruin,“ liquid fire and be allowed to sweeten his owu tea.” and distilled damnation," as the late Robert
“ To M. N.-If you don't choose to come back, Hall was accustomed to denominate the re. please to return the key of the tea-caddy." freshments that are sold in them under such These are probably paid at a high rate. a tempting variety of names :- -" The Cream Indeed, no sort of sentiment is cheap. Dr. of the Valley," "The No Mistake,” “The H. called at the Times office to inquire the Regular Flare Up," "The Butter Gin," charge for inserting the death of a relation. “ The Genuine Bread Gin,” &c. The Bread A surly clerk said, ten shillings. Dr. H. Gin probably suggested the well-known remonstrated, and said he had only paid baker's advertisement, “Bread with the Gin seven shillings for the last : “Oh," said the in it."
clerk, “that was a common death, but this Unfortunately the madness of speculation is sincerely regretted.” “Well
, my friend,” is not confined to trades. There are strong said the Doctor, laying down the ten shilgrounds for suspecting that the classes most lings, “your executors will never be put to removed from the risk of infection, have that expense.” been bitten by it. The majority of the suffer- We wish the “sincerely regretted” cost ers by Mr. Cave's bankruptcy were Clergy-Iten times as much; for nothing can be more
Vol. II. No. I. 2
preposterous than such a mode of paying We made diligent inquiries for this estabcompliments to the merits of a dear defunct. lishment, but in vain. It is certain, how. The bare fact is the most touching of rec- ever, that many gentlemen parade the streets ords; and we have heard that Mrs. Norton's in fixed spurs who never possessed a horse, beautiful ballad of “ The Exile's Return,” and would find it no easy matter to stick to was suggested by the plain announcement bim if they had one. Jack Brag” paid so of the death of a young man on his return much a year for the rent of a few square from India, in the Downs.
inches of a door in Grosvenor Street, that, The following are rich specimens of this by aid of a brass plate, he might gain sort of necrological eloquence. The widow the credit of living there, and if we turn of an eminent composer states, that “He to the “Court Guide,” and read over the has left this life, and gone to that blessed names of those who are supposed to live at place where only his harmony can be ex- the first-rate hotels, we shall find several ceeded.” The widow of a famous pyro- who have no better claims to a well-soundtechnist adopts the idea with a variation : ing address than our friend Jack. A still “He is gone to that blessed place where only more curious fancy was that of a wealthy his fireworks can be exceeded." Still more tradesman, who bore so striking a resem. expressive is the parting tribute to the merits blance to the late Duke of Devonshire, that or demerits of a Jamaica slave-driver: “He his grace's most intimate friends often howis gone to a place where he will find little ed to his double, by mistake. It was this difference either in the climate or the com- man's pleasure to dress exactly like the plexion of the company."
Duke, and then stroll through Pall-Mall and The labor English people undergo to ap- St. James's Street, for the purpose of repear fashionable, or something else which ceiving as many of these mistaken marks of they are not, is the constant subject of sa. attention as he could. We know an artist tirical reflection on the Continent. The of reputation who dresses as the conqueror most ludicrous fictions are founded on this of Waterloo ; Count d'Orsay has three or supposed weakness. For example, four doubles; and there are few Park “There exist in the suburbs of London, estab; of a respectful bow by Mrs. L.'s fraudulent
equestrians who have not been cheated out lishments which are called “Splashing-Houses,” (maisons d'éclaboussures.) A man of fashion, imitation of the royal carriage and outridwho possesşes neither houses, lands, nor kennels, ers, but who has credit with his tailor, announces to Every one has heard the story of the man all his acquaintance that he is about to leave who, when Pitt inquired what could be town for a few days' hunting; He quits the done to forward bis interests, simply resumptuous hotel in which he lodges at the west- quested the Prime Minister to bow to him end, gives notice that he will be absent eight or in public. There was some
sense and ten days, and hides himself in an obscure inn sitvate in the other extremity of the city. The knowledge of the world in this request; proper moment having arrived, he dresses him- nor was it altogether an unmeaning affectaself in an entire and complete hunting costume of tion in Brummell, when, in reply to a noblethe newest fashion. That done, he gets into a man of the highest rank who accused him hackney-coach and drives to a “splashing- of inveigling his son into a disreputable house, where, for the moderate sum of seven gambling transaction, he exclaimed, shillings, he is splashed from head to foot. These establishments have mud from all the counties,
Really, I did my best for the young man. particularly thoee of them renowned for hunting, I once gave him my arm all the way from and are provided, moreover, with a wooden White's to Watiers”.” The value still set uphorse. The attendant who performs the func-on modish or noble
acquaintance is proved by tions of a groom asks, with the utmost gravity, the pages of the Morning Post ; where we if the gentleman desires to return from Bucking- are informed that Mr. Thompson has just hamshire-from Staffordshire--from
Derby- returned from a visit to the Duke of shire, &c. When our "fashionable” has made his choice, he mounts the automaton quadruped,
or that Mr. Jackson entertained a distinwhich, by the most ingenious mechanism, raises guished party (naming the best of the perhis hind and fore-legs, ambles, trots, gallops, and sons invited) at his mansion in Portland bespatters his rider with as much mud, and with Place; each of these insertions costing from the same regularity, as could a real horse cross-seven to ten shillings. Sometimes an asing the fields in full chase. The operation ter- pirant kindly incurs the same expense to minated, the elegant gentleman, his cutting-whip inform us how he intends to dispose of in his hand, reascends Bond Street, Regent himself during the next month or two. Street, Piccadilly, Pall-Mall, &c., and thus impresses all the world with the belief that he has None of the learned professions are alto. been one of a superb hunting party.-Almanach gether free from charlatanry; and the Med. Prophetique for 1843.
ical profession, after making all due allow