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some tributaries may help to increase its tients among whom he is to take his body—but the main supplies I here open- place. Then, they all enter fresh and ly acknowledge.
rosy from an early walk, where has been dispersed that silent misanthropy which usually characterizes the first hour after
rising. CHAPTER II.
There is certainly a republican mix. A FAVORABLE first impression is of ac- ture of the different varieties of the knowledged importance in reconciling us human race. The pale and the florid, to places or people.
the fastidious and the gossiping, the In our younger days we may, indeed, judge, the colonel, and the author, all recover from the shock of seeing a fine mingle together as the black and white view in a thunder storm, or of failing spirits are instructed to do about the to recognize some shabby little gentle- witches' cauldron. Among the ladies the man as the favorite poet, whose intel- variety is no less striking. First, thero lectual visage bad beamed at us from is the pleasant, chatty little person, the first page of his pablished produce whose toilet, manners, and conversation, tions. But in mature lite, the loss may be described by the newspaper of impulse is supplied by the compara- phrase “ very neat.” Opposite are setive daration of the feeling excited ; and veral damsels of the intensely natural and it must be regarded as a happy circum- unaffected school. These are the young stance when a middle-aged bachelor, an ladies who are afraid of nobody, despise imaginary or real invalid, on arriving at all sentiment, and can talk about fast the place where he has determined to horses and fancy drinks. Next, come make a considerable stay, discovers that some representatives of a different order, matters are reasonably to his liking. who manage to smile a little, occasion
Such a satisfaction did my uncle ex- ally screw up their courage sufficiently perience on reaching the Granville to ask for the butter, and secretly envy County Water-Cure. The house, to be the ease and volubility of their neighbors. sure, had rather a patched effect, for Besides these, there is a dowager, who near y every water-cure was originally sparkles with breast-pins and showy de-igned for something else, and had rings, and a young lady or two, who, not been through various processes of en- being patients, and consequently allowed largement and adaptation. But the to rise when they please, steal to their inside seemed quiet and cheerful, and places with that guilty look that the conlooked remarkably unlike a hotel.' The sciousness of having overslept oneself inexistence of any peculiar aquatic privi- variably occasions. leges would never have been suspected The breakfast itself is always plain, by a transient visitor; for baths of every though exceedingly good; yet iny uncle description were banished to the cellar, sees fit to express his private distaste where they kept company with an im- for a dark, husky mixture, which might mense tank, whose calm dark surface pass for the species of provender upon was strongly suggestive of mosquitoes. which the prodigal son was tempted to
Whether these annoying insects were regale in the hour of necessity, and actually generated in this lower region which is handed about under the name could never be fully determined; but of "cracked wheat.” that they appeared up stairs in goodly From the memoranda made during numbers, is a fact concerning which my the first few days of his sojourn, it is uncle is peculiarly positive.
conjectured that my uncle's visit began The chambers were small and low, in à inanner by no means disagreeable. as they must necessarily be where many The day was spent in bathing and walkare to be accommodated—but the archi- ing; and, until the walkers and bathers tect, with the view of providing a suffi- had narrated the principal events in their ciency of oxygen, as well as mitigating past lives, and told when they had come, the evils of solitude, placed ventilators and how long they meant to stay—there over all the doors, by which means my
seems to have been little lack of diverkinsinan was kept pleasantly informed sion. of the affairs of bis neighbors, and lis- The end of the week, however, tened to many profitable strictures upon brought with it the time that must come himself.
sooner or later, when our companions It is not until the first breakfast tbat began to repeat the same observations the stranger sees the full corps of pa- in the same way, and we feel that con.
sciousness of having seen to the bottom two dollars (post-paid, and addressed to Bearbrook, of one another's minds, which Goldsmith
Mass.), he covenants to teach any lady or gentle.
man the art of being irresistibly fascinating; and, urged as a good reason for admiting new for an adequate fee, will insure partners to the most members to the Literary Club.
"iseopti." The "new members " in the present instance were not attainable-either the There! I have got to the Professor proper season had not arrived, or the at last—and he appears soon enough too advertisements and billiard tables of —for with what propriety can the prinrival establishments succeeded in attract- cipal character of the drama come on in ing the crowd. The daily routine seemed the first scene. to drag a little heavily, except when en- Is not Hamlet all the more interesting livened by some expedition, which, out for the suspense in which he keeps the of the many talked about, happened audience before he opens his lips; and actually to take place.
do we not improve Richard by playing Of this description of entertainment that everlasting scene about King Henry, the grand ascent of Squaticub Hill alone while the tyrant lingers at the first endeserves a notice.
trance ? A barouche, accompanied by several “ Insures partners to the most fasbuggies, contained the pleasure-seekers. tidious, and teaches the art of being irreOne of these latter vehicles, and a very sistibly fascinating :-There, Majori" extalkative young lady (who to prevent claimed a dark-eyed, roguish damsel, anything like embarrassment, at once in addressing my uncle, after the author formed her companion that she never before mentioned had finished reading intended to be married), were bestowed the advertisement that stands at the upon my uncle. The prospect from head of this chapter" what a capital. various parts of the road was said to be chance for some people to be sure-just romarkably fine, and was, perhaps, en- think what fun to have everybody falljoyed by the proprietor of the fast ing in love with us." horse; but the less favored individuals Of course my uncle had the gallantry who were enveloped in the dust occa- to suggest that any new acquirement sioned by the performance of this favorite would be quite superfluous to a lady animal, were obliged to rely on their whose natural graces were fully able to imaginations for its various beauties. insure such a result. The fair friend who took charge of At this Miss Kate Lawton (for by Major Wherrey, was by no means of a this name is the lady distinguished in the careful or timorous disposition, and in- diary) thought it necessary to state that sisted upon hurrying on at the greatest she didn't like flattery, and couldn't see speed, in a fruitless endeavor to obtain why everybody so mistook her character the lead. The result was, that, when at as to be always saying such sort of things ; last the summit of the bill was attained, adding much more to the same purport, my uncle's eyes were full of very fine after the manner in which people who grarel, and his black broadcloth suit are inordinately fond of hearing their turned to that peppered-salt color, own praises, really try to persuade themwhich the tailors assure us makes up selves that they don't like it. into “neat business-coats." Nor did “Well, well,” observed Mr. Barnard, the hue seern particularly inappropriate the reader of the advertisement, which to the party ;-whose general appearance he continued still to study, “I would was more suggestive of “business" than give something to know what this fellow anything else—for how could it be sup- would say, if any one wrote to him." posed that pleasure would induce people "If somebody will write the letter for to climb a high hill, to sit in the scorch- me, I declare I'll try,” rejoined Miss ing rays of the sun, for the purpose of Kate. drinking wretched lemonade, and looking “No difficult matter that,” said the at nothing in particular.
author; “if the doctor hadn't forbid using my eyes in the evening, I'd do it myself; but here's the major, who's just
the man; the letter may be written toCHAPTER IV.
night, sent off the first thing in the “ PROFESSOR PAANTILLO, having recently arrived
morning, and we shall have an answer from Germany, where he was constantly consulted by Wednesday.” by the principal crowned heads of Europe, gives the It was only much discussion and a most satisfactory advice in all matters connected with Love, Courtship or Marriage. For the sum of considerable biological influence which
streamed from the eyes of Miss Lawton, a stage-load of people were added to the that reconciled my uncle to the plan; guests. The slight scramble for seats at and his assent was given in the midst of dinner, that usually succeeded such adserious doubts concerning the propriety vents, generally resulted in everybody of opening a correspondence with an in- finding himself next to just the people dividual who might make himself as whose society he would least have chosen. troublesome as the German professor. The exception, which is of such value The assent, however, being all that was in establishing the general rule, was, in wanted, the letter, by the joint inspira- this instance, in favor of my uncle. Haptions of the trio was composed upon the pening to arrive rather late, he was spot and was quite a model of deceptive driven in like a wedge between two very composition.
nice young ladies, who agreeably shortIt purported to be written by a cer- ened the tedious entr'act between the tain Fanny Weston, who had been en- meal and the dessert. gaged to one Smitkinson, a clerk in a A nice young lady! What reasonable jeweller's shop. This young gentleinan sized folio could contain the different (so ran the tale) had basely broken his definitions of these simple words? If engagement to contract another with some had their way, the candidates for Jane Gos-ifant, daughter of old Mr. Gos- this honorable degree would be examined sifant, who lived by the church at South in polking and sınall talk—some would Beckford, and had a consumption and select such text-books as Childe Harold fifty thousand dollars.
and Corinne-while “Mrs. Farrar" and The requisite sum was inclosed, and “Hints on Made Dishes” would be conadvice requested in this delicate case. sidered by others as necessary as the Bat an unexpected difficulty arose in Faculty of Harvard College consider the determining the address to which the grammars and readers of their own answer should be sent. There was a professors, to the proper preparation of necessity of making use of some real a Freshman. name, for, the post-office being some As my uncle's opinion on this subject iniles off, the letters passed through the has the merit of being briefly expressed, haods of an agent, who would obviously it shall be set down for what it is worth. refuse any epistle bearing a name un- According to this authority, the title is known in the establishment. The author, deserved by any damsel who has learnt on account of his literary notoriety, de- the great truth that perfect simplicity is clared he conld not be thought of; but perfect elegance. that my uncle, being nobody in particu- The two ladies near whom my kinsman lar, could not reasonably object to hav- was placed, and with whom he appears ing the letter address to his care.
to have had considerable association, The major, although willing to assent stood this test in a manner the most sato the first proposition relating to him- tisfactory. They were city-bred, and self, could not easily be convinced of the held what is called “a position in sosecvnd. The dispute waxed warm. Mr. ciety"-advantages, by the way, that Barnard could not see the force of my always make themselves evident in femiuncle's objections, and the dark-eyed nine deportment and finish. It is customyoung lacy used those orbs to great ary to compare (greatly to the advaneffect, and only wished she could do any. tage of the former) the good tempered thing to oblige anybody. The result country girl with the indulged and afmight have been predicted.
fected creatures with whom sarcastic script was added directing the professor writers choose to people the drawingto address, Miss F. Weston, care of Ma- rooms of the city. Now, there doubtless jor Wherrey, at the - Water Cure. are many vulgar fellow-citizens of ours,
The letter was thoroughly sealed and who, having risen to sudden wealth, and depsited in a leathern bag which car- not to the real position of dignity and ried the mail of the establishment to the intelligence, do conduct themselves quite Dearest post-office; and my uncle retired unworthily; but that these gentry comto bed with that dismal consciousness of prise, or in any legitimate way represent, baring done something contrary to his the best society of our eastern cities, bet judginent, that always prevented my uncle bas never been willing to allow the enjoyment of peaceful repose.
During the three or four days that elapsed before the arrival of the letter containing so much valuable information,
remittance. Well, this is good! I'd no THE remarks that concluded the last idea we should have such success!" chapter, although having no connection “Success!" exclaimed my uncle, startwith the story, may serve to indicate ing from his seat; "yes! it's fine fun for the time supposed to elapse before the you—but consider the fellow knows my arrival of the professor's answer ; just
real name—he will be angry enough as a drop-scene, representing a battle in when he discovers the hoax, and in some Mexico, marks the interval between the way or other will make me pay for it." acts of a Roman tragedy.
And a dismal diorama, representing reThe reader will now imagine the par- spectable elderly gentlemen who had unlor of the establishment as it appeared wittingly fallen into the power of some on a particularly sultry summer's even- character whom they were obliged to ing. "Thę windows are all open—the furnish with pocket-money forever after, company sufficiently mixed for every- utrolled itself before the mental vision body to serve as a restraint upon some- of my relative. body else, and the Dorr-bugs (I have no To be sure, Major Wherrey was unable idea how they spell their name) wreck- to recollect that he had embezzled at the ing themselves against the ceiling, and bank, or ever entertained a passion for thence tumbling upon the beads beneath, his cook; but his faith was strong in until you could not help sympathizing the ability of his scientific friend to diswith the Reverend Homer Wilbur (in re- cover some point upon which to rest the lation to a similar nuisance) in the doubt lever of persecution, should he be so whether Noah could be justified in pre- disposed. Such dismal forebodings were serving this species of insect.
not shared by Miss Kate Lawton, who A piano that was in the room, and a declared the letter quite worth the two most obliging lady to officiate thereat, re- dollars it had cost, and was particularly deemed parts of the evening; but the diverted with the connection discovered event that waked up everybody was the between her destiny, and anybody then entrance of Kate Lawton with a letter at the water-cure. from Professor Phantillo.
Much more was said or sung (the latIt was read aloud at the request of ter by the lady at the piano) during the many voices; but the contents were evening; all which, I would set down, vague and unsatisfactory. There was if I “naturally ran to conversation.' something concerning the position and But, not having the talent of Miss Burinfluence of the planets (which it seems ney for this, as well as one or two other were averse to any interposition just then things, I think it best to keep up the -though holding out good hopes for the sober jog of narration. And here let future), a little concerning the mysteries me avow, what I have no doubt the of love and courtship in general —and a reader has suspected all along, that the great deal about a future remittance of title of this paper,
a romance," is altomoney. The interest of the communi- gether a misnomer. Yet, when I incation, however, was reserved for the scribed that taking substantive at the postscript, which ran as follows:- head of my first chapter, I had no idea
“I desire some information concern- of asking a hearing under false pretening this Major Wherrey, to whose care ces. The note-books, which were menthis letter is to be addressed. I discern tioned as being in my possession, and the that your fate is strangely connected singular sequel to the adventures they with his. I shall be glad to learn the contain, seemed to me materials from amount of his property; also, whether which an elegant structure of fiction he is disposed to believe in the science might be reared, and I had actually the which I profess. Not a word to him of temerity to draw a sketch for the ground these inquiries; but answer me discreetly floor. But the strong solution of fact and secretly and I will help you, to a for- with which my mind was filled, would tune beyond your proudest hopes.” precipitate itself upon the paper, till at
“Ha, ha, ha,” laughed Mr. Barnard- last the proposed embellishments of "the professor is completely taken in; fancy were thrown aside, and I became he evidently thinks that he has fallen a chronicler of real experience, almost upon a vein of metal that will pay the against my will. working. Don't you see, Major, he Well! my uncle passed a hot, uncommeans to inform himself about your pro- fortable night. Hot !-yes; it was hot perty, habits, &c., and then come down indeed. You could almost cut the caloon you in some dextrous manner for & ric with a knife. Everybody pretended to go to bed, but speedily rose, and gentleman, connected with the New stumbled about the entries all night. York press, who politely forwarded a Muttered execrations, combined with the copy of an article that was to appear in potes of a distant musical box, streamed the Criminal Investigator of the next through the ventilator, and pervaded week. my uncle's apartment, while “ friends in Poor Major Wherrey was nearly beboots," stalked up and down the piazza side himself, at this palpable conspiracy. before the window, with the same inter- He drove to the next town to consult a minable tramp.
lawyer; and came back again to advise Sleep was impossible for the most in- with the doctor. He bewailed his fate Docent or thoughtless, during that long with no gentle expletives touching himnight. Every half hour, or so, my uncle self, he professor, Miss Lawton, Mr. would go down cellar, and paddle about Barnard, and the New York reporter. the tank; which performance served to Finally, his trunks were ordered, and he impart à more fiery sultriness to his determined to fly from his tormentors. chamber, when he came oat.
There was no stage, however, before But the extreme discomforture of his afternoon, and six or eight hours must b> 'ily sta:e, was exceeded by the turba- be endured before any one could leave len: nature of his mental speculations. the place. The obliging young lady One may dismiss a troublesome thought, played the wedding march upon the or sa-picion, by day; but, during a sleep- piano; but music had no charm to soothe less night, the unwelcome visitor re- the troubles of my uncle. In a fit of turns, and leers upon you horribly, and impatient desperation, Major Wherrey will not be exorcised. This waking seized a book from the centre-table of gizhtmare is far more terrible than any- the “ boarders' parlor"-where the usual thinz dreams can furnish, and leaves us number were collected, to stare at each as weak and miserable as was Sancho other, and wish away the morning-and Pinzı, after the visit of the Enchanted bastily turned over its leaves. It had Vors, at the village inn.
the popular alliterative title, and, of In short, Major Wherrey, naturally course, had sold to an almost mythical nervous and timid, was goaded almost to number of copies—at least, so said the frenzy, at the remembrance of his own publishers. indiscretion. At Bearbrook, too--that “ Harpoons and Hantboys, from Hatthis Professor Phantillo should live at ty's Haversack,” repeated my uncle, as Bearbrook, where my uncle's famous he glanced over the title-page, and then cranberry plantation was situated, and with a start of recognition--" Miss Kate wbere he himself resided several months Lawton, from her friend, T. Barnard." in the year. “Good heavens !" thought the start was occasioned by a remarkathe poor gentleman, 'what an oppor- ble resemblance that Major Wherrey tunity it gives him for king together detected between the chirography of all sorts of scandal—for setti..g my neigh- these latter words, and that of Professor bors against me—and, perhaps, getting Phantillo; nor was his astonishment up so'ne curious chemical blight for the lessened, when he observed, in the handcranberries."
writing of the New York reporter, near Two letters, that were brought to my the bottom of the page, this expressive auc?e's room the next morning, served criticism—"a book just such as I like. to plunge him into still deeper perplexity. -K. L.” The first was written on odd-looking Of course, my uncle's understanding Paper, was post-marked from Bearbrook, received a sudden illumination from this bire a strictly non-committal seal, and accidental discovery. Relieved from his turned out to be from Professor Phan- apprehensions so unexpectedly, his first E!! himself. It was filled with dark impulse was to embrace his persecutors, hints about secret information the pro- as if they had done him some distinfe-or had received, which obliged him guished favor; then came the revulsion to) suppose that Major Wherrey had tam- of feeling, and the mortification of havpered with the atfections of a certain ing been successfully hoaxed--than Vi- Fanny Weston, and stated that un- which there are few things harder to les the sum of twenty dollars was re- bear with equanimity. ceived by the next post, he should feel He was, nevertheless, reminded by the it his duty to publish his suspicions in lady and gentleman who had amused the Bearbrook Gazette.
themselves at his expense, of an opinion The other epistle was from a nameless he had himself expressed upon the