some tributaries may help to increase its body-but the main supplies I here openly acknowledge.

CHAPTER III.

A FAVORABLE first impression is of acknowledged importance in reconciling us to places or people.

In our younger days we may, indeed, recover from the shock of seeing a fine view in a thunder storm, or of failing to recognize some shabby little gentleman as the favorite poet, whose intellectual visage had beamed at us from the first page of his published productions. But in mature life, the loss of impulse is supplied by the comparative duration of the feeling excited; and it must be regarded as a happy circumstance when a middle-aged bachelor, an imaginary or real invalid, on arriving at the place where he has determined to make a considerable stay, discovers that matters are reasonably to his liking.

Such a satisfaction did my uncle experience on reaching the Granville County Water-Cure. The house, to be sure, had rather a patched effect, for nearly every water-cure was originally designed for something else, and had been through various processes of enlargement and adaptation. But the inside seemed quiet and cheerful, and looked remarkably unlike a hotel. The existence of any peculiar aquatic privileges would never have been suspected by a transient visitor; for baths of every description were banished to the cellar, where they kept company with an immeuse tank, whose calm dark surface was strongly suggestive of mosquitoes.

Whether these annoying insects were actually generated in this lower region could never be fully determined; but that they appeared up stairs in goodly numbers, is a fact concerning which my uncle is peculiarly positive.

The chambers were small and low, as they must necessarily be where many are to be accommodated-but the architect, with the view of providing a sufficiency of oxygen, as well as mitigating the evils of solitude, placed ventilators over all the doors, by which means my kinsman was kept pleasantly informed of the affairs of his neighbors, and listened to many profitable strictures upon himself.

It is not until the first breakfast that the stranger sees the full corps of pa

tients among whom he is to take hi place. Then, they all enter fresh and rosy from an early walk, where has been dispersed that silent misanthropy which usually characterizes the first hour after rising.

There is certainly a republican mixture of the different varieties of the human race. The pale and the florid, the fastidious and the gossiping, the judge, the colonel, and the author, all mingle together as the black and white spirits are instructed to do about the witches' cauldron. Among the ladies the variety is no less striking. First, there is the pleasant, chatty little person, whose toilet, manners, and conversation, may be described by the newspaper phrase "very neat." Opposite are several damsels of the intensely natural and unaffected school. These are the young ladies who are afraid of nobody, despise all sentiment, and can talk about fast horses and fancy drinks. Next, come some representatives of a different order, who manage to smile a little, occasionally screw up their courage sufficiently to ask for the butter, and secretly envy the ease and volubility of their neighbors. Besides these, there is a dowager, who sparkles with breast-pins and showy rings, and a young lady or two, who, not being patients, and consequently allowed to rise when they please, steal to their places with that guilty look that the consciousness of having overslept oneself invariably occasions.

The breakfast itself is always plain, though exceedingly good; yet my uncle sees fit to express his private distaste for a dark, husky mixture, which might pass for the species of provender upon which the prodigal son was tempted to regale in the hour of necessity, and which is handed about under the name of "cracked wheat."

From the memoranda made during the first few days of his sojourn, it is conjectured that my uncle's visit began in a manner by no means disagreeable. The day was spent in bathing and walking; and, until the walkers and bathers had narrated the principal events in their past lives, and told when they had come, and how long they meant to stay-there seems to have been little lack of diversion.

The end of the week, however, brought with it the time that must come sooner or later, when our companions began to repeat the same observations in the same way, and we feel that con

sciousness of having seen to the bottom of one another's minds, which Goldsmith urged as a good reason for admiting new members to the Literary Club.

The new members" in the present instance were not attainable-either the proper season had not arrived, or the advertisements and billiard tables of rival establishments succeeded in attracting the crowd. The daily routine seemed to drag a little heavily, except when enlivened by some expedition, which, out of the many talked about, happened actually to take place.

Of this description of entertainment the grand ascent of Squaticub Hill alone deserves a notice.

A barouche, accompanied by several buggies, contained the pleasure-seekers. One of these latter vehicles, and a very talkative young lady (who to prevent anything like embarrassment, at once informed her companion that she never intended to be married), were bestowed upon my uncle. The prospect from various parts of the road was said to be remarkably fine, and was, perhaps, enjoyed by the proprietor of the fast horse; but the less favored individuals who were enveloped in the dust occasioned by the performance of this favorite animal, were obliged to rely on their imaginations for its various beauties. The fair friend who took charge of Major Wherrey, was by no means of a careful or timorous disposition, and insisted upon hurrying on at the greatest speed, in a fruitless endeavor to obtain the lead. The result was, that, when at last the summit of the hill was attained, my uncle's eyes were full of very fine gravel, and his black broadcloth suit turned to that peppered-salt color, which the tailors assure us makes up into "neat business-coats." Nor did the hue seen particularly inappropriate to the party;-whose general appearance was more suggestive of "business" than anything else for how could it be supposed that pleasure would induce people to climb a high hill, to sit in the scorching rays of the sun, for the purpose of drinking wretched lemonade, and looking at nothing in particular.

CHAPTER IV.

"PROFESSOR PHANTILLO, having recently arrived from Germany, where he was constantly consulted by the principal crowned heads of Europe, gives the most satisfactory advice in all matters connected with Love, Courtship or Marriage. For the sum of

two dollars (post-paid, and addressed to Bearbrook, Mass.), he covenants to teach any lady or gentleman the art of being irresistibly fascinating; and, for an adequate fee, will insure partners to the most fastidious.

"iseoptf."

There! I have got to the Professor at last-and he appears soon enough too -for with what propriety can the principal character of the drama come on in the first scene.

Is not Hamlet all the more interesting for the suspense in which he keeps the audience before he opens his lips; and do we not improve Richard by playing that everlasting scene about King Henry, while the tyrant lingers at the first entrance?

"Insures partners to the most fastidious, and teaches the art of being irresistibly fascinating :-There, Major!" exclaimed a dark-eyed, roguish damsel, addressing my uncle, after the author before mentioned had finished reading the advertisement that stands at the head of this chapter-"what a capitalchance for some people to be sure-just think what fun to have everybody falling in love with us."

Of course my uncle had the gallantry to suggest that any new acquirement would be quite superfluous to a lady whose natural graces were fully able to

insure such a result.

At this Miss Kate Lawton (for by this name is the lady distinguished in the diary) thought it necessary to state that she didn't like flattery, and couldn't see why everybody so mistook her character as to be always saying such sort of things; adding much more to the same purport, after the manner in which people who are inordinately fond of hearing their own praises, really try to persuade themselves that they don't like it.

66

Well, well," observed Mr. Barnard, the reader of the advertisement, which he continued still to study, "I would give something to know what this fellow would say, if any one wrote to him."

"If somebody will write the letter for me, I declare I'll try," rejoined Miss Kate.

"No difficult matter that," said the author; "if the doctor hadn't forbid using my eyes in the evening, I'd do it myself; but here's the major, who's just the man; the letter may be written tonight, sent off the first thing in the morning, and we shall have an answer by Wednesday."

It was only much discussion and a considerable biological influence which

streamed from the eyes of Miss Lawton, that reconciled my uncle to the plan; and his assent was given in the midst of serious doubts concerning the propriety of opening a correspondence with an individual who might make himself as troublesome as the German professor. The assent, however, being all that was wanted, the letter, by the joint inspirations of the trio was composed upon the spot and was quite a model of deceptive composition.

It purported to be written by a certain Fanny Weston, who had been engaged to one Smitkinson, a clerk in a jeweller's shop. This young gentleinan (so ran the tale) had basely broken his engagement to contract another with Jane Gos-ifant, daughter of old Mr. Gossifant, who lived by the church at South Beckford, and had a consumption and fifty thousand dollars.

The requisite sum was inclosed, and advice requested in this delicate case. But an unexpected difficulty arose in determining the address to which the answer should be sent. There was a necessity of making use of some real name, for, the post-office being some miles off, the letters passed through the hands of an agent, who would obviously refuse any epistle bearing a name unknown in the establishment. The author, on account of his literary notoriety, declared he could not be thought of; but that my uncle, being nobody in particular, could not reasonably object to having the letter address to his care.

The major, although willing to assent to the first proposition relating to himself, could not easily be convinced of the second. The dispute waxed warm. Mr. Barnard could not see the force of my uncle's objections, and the dark-eyed young lady used those orbs to great effect, and only wished she could do anything to oblige anybody. The result might have been predicted. A postscript was added directing the professor to address, Miss F. Weston, care of Major Wherrey, at the - Water Cure.

The letter was thoroughly sealed and densited in a leathern bag which carried the mail of the establishment to the nearest post-office; and my uncle retired to bed with that dismal consciousness of having done something contrary to his best jalgment, that always prevented the enjoyment of peaceful repose.

During the three or four days that elapsed before the arrival of the letter containing so much valuable information,

a stage-load of people were added to the guests. The slight scramble for seats at dinner, that usually succeeded such advents, generally resulted in everybody finding himself next to just the people whose society he would least have chosen. The exception, which is of such value in establishing the general rule, was, in this instance, in favor of my uncle. Happening to arrive rather late, he was driven in like a wedge between two very nice young ladies, who agreeably shortened the tedious entr'act between the meal and the dessert.

A nice young lady! What reasonable sized folio could contain the different definitions of these simple words? If some had their way, the candidates for this honorable degree would be examined in polking and small talk-some would select such text-books as Childe Harold and Corinne-while "Mrs. Farrar" and "Hints on Made Dishes" would be considered by others as necessary as the Faculty of Harvard College consider the grammars and readers of their own professors, to the proper preparation of a Freshman.

As my uncle's opinion on this subject has the merit of being briefly expressed, it shall be set down for what it is worth. According to this authority, the title is deserved by any damsel who has learnt the great truth that perfect simplicity is perfect elegance.

The two ladies near whom my kinsman was placed, and with whom he appears to have had considerable association, stood this test in a manner the most satisfactory. They were city-bred, and held what is called "a position in society"-advantages, by the way, that always make themselves evident in feminine deportment and finish. It is customary to compare (greatly to the advantage of the former) the good tempered country girl with the indulged and affected creatures with whom sarcastic writers choose to people the drawingrooms of the city. Now, there doubtless are many vulgar fellow-citizens of ours, who, having risen to sudden wealth, and not to the real position of dignity and intelligence, do conduct themselves quite unworthily; but that these gentry comprise, or in any legitimate way represent, the best society of our eastern cities. my uncle has never been willing to allow

CHAPTER V.

THE remarks that concluded the last chapter, although having no connection with the story, may serve to indicate the time supposed to elapse before the arrival of the professor's answer; just as a drop-scene, representing a battle in Mexico, marks the interval between the acts of a Roman tragedy.

The reader will now imagine the parlor of the establishment as it appeared on a particularly sultry summer's evening. The windows are all open-the company sufficiently mixed for everybody to serve as a restraint upon somebody else, and the Dorr-bugs (I have no idea how they spell their name) wrecking themselves against the ceiling, and thence tumbling upon the heads beneath, until you could not help sympathizing with the Reverend Homer Wilbur (in relation to a similar nuisance) in the doubt whether Noah could be justified in preserving this species of insect.

A piano that was in the room, and a most obliging lady to officiate thereat, redeemed parts of the evening; but the event that waked up everybody was the entrance of Kate Lawton with a letter from Professor Phantillo.

It was read aloud at the request of many voices; but the contents were vague and unsatisfactory. There was something concerning the position and influence of the planets (which it seems were averse to any interposition just then -though holding out good hopes for the future), a little concerning the mysteries of love and courtship in general-and a great deal about a future remittance of money. The interest of the communication, however, was reserved for the postscript, which ran as follows:

"I desire some information concerning this Major Wherrey, to whose care this letter is to be addressed. I discern

that your fate is strangely connected with his. I shall be glad to learn the amount of his property; also, whether he is disposed to believe in the science which I profess. Not a word to him of these inquiries; but answer me discreetly and secretly and I will help you, to a fortune beyond your proudest hopes."

"Ha, ha, ha," laughed Mr. Barnard"the professer is completely taken in; he evidently thinks that he has fallen upon a vein of metal that will pay the working. Don't you see, Major, he means to inform himself about your property, habits, &c., and then come down on you in some dextrous manner for a

remittance. Well, this is good! I'd no idea we should have such success!"

"Success!" exclaimed my uncle, starting from his seat; "yes! it's fine fun for you-but consider the fellow knows my real name-he will be angry enough when he discovers the hoax, and in some way or other will make me pay for it." And a dismal diorama, representing respectable elderly gentlemen who had unwittingly fallen into the power of some character whom they were obliged to furnish with pocket-money forever after, urrolled itself before the mental vision of my relative.

To be sure, Major Wherrey was unable to recollect that he had embezzled at the bank, or ever entertained a passion for his cook; but his faith was strong in the ability of his scientific friend to discover some point upon which to rest the lever of persecution, should he be so disposed. Such dismal forebodings were not shared by Miss Kate Lawton, who declared the letter quite worth the two dollars it had cost, and was particularly diverted with the connection discovered between her destiny, and anybody then at the water-cure.

Much more was said or sung (the latter by the lady at the piano) during the evening; all which, I would set down, if I naturally ran to conversation." But, not having the talent of Miss Burney for this, as well as one or two other things, I think it best to keep up the sober jog of narration. And here let me avow, what I have no doubt the reader has suspected all along, that the title of this paper, "a romance," is altogether a misnomer. Yet, when I inscribed that taking substantive at the head of my first chapter, I had no idea of asking a hearing under false pretences. The note-books, which were mentioned as being in my possession, and the singular sequel to the adventures they contain, seemed to me materials from which an elegant structure of fiction might be reared, and I had actually the temerity to draw a sketch for the ground floor. But the strong solution of fact with which my mind was filled, would precipitate itself upon the paper, till at last the proposed embellishments of fancy were thrown aside, and I became a chronicler of real experience, almost against my will.

Well! my uncle passed a hot, uncomfortable night. Hot!-yes; it was hot indeed. You could almost cut the caloric with a knife. Everybody pretended

to go to bed, but speedily rose, and stumbled about the entries all night. Muttered execrations, combined with the notes of a distant musical box, streamed through the ventilator, and pervaded my uncle's apartment, while "friends in boots," stalked up and down the piazza before the window, with the same interminable tramp.

Sleep was impossible for the most innocent or thoughtless, during that long night. Every half hour, or so, my uncle would go down cellar, and paddle about the tank; which performance served to impart a more fiery sultriness to his chamber, when he came out.

Bat the extreme discomforture of his boly state, was exceeded by the turbulent nature of his mental speculations. One may dismiss a troublesome thought, or suspicion, by day; but, during a sleepless night, the unwelcome visitor returns, and leers upon you horribly, and will not be exorcised. This waking nightmare is far more terrible than anything dreams can furnish, and leaves us as weak and miserable as was Sancho Pinz, after the visit of the Enchanted Mors, at the village inn.

in short, Major Wherrey, naturally nervous and timid, was goaded almost to frenzy, at the remembrance of his own indiscretion. At Bearbrook, too--that this Professor Phantillo should live at Bearbrook, where my uncle's famous cranberry plantation was situated, and where he himself resided several months in the year. “Good heavens!” thought the poor gentleman, what an opportunity it gives him for king together all sorts of scandal-for setting my neighbors against me—and, perhaps, getting up some curious chemical blight for the cranberries."

6

A

Two letters, that were brought to my uncle's room the next morning, served to plunge him into still deeper perplexity. The first was written on odd-looking paper, was post-marked from Bearbrook, bre a strictly non-committal seal, and turne 1 out to be from Professor Phant himself. It was filled with dark hin's about secret information the professor had received, which obliged him to suppose that Major Wherrey had tampared with the affections of a certain Miss Fanny Weston, and stated that unis the sum of twenty dollars was received by the next post, he should feel it is duty to publish his suspicions in the Bearbrook Gazette.

The other epistle was from a nameless

gentleman, connected with the New York press, who politely forwarded a copy of an article that was to appear in the Criminal Investigator of the next week.

Poor Major Wherrey was nearly beside himself, at this palpable conspiracy. He drove to the next town to consult a lawyer; and came back again to advise with the doctor. He bewailed his fate with no gentle expletives touching himself, the professor, Miss Lawton, Mr. Barnard, and the New York reporter. Finally, his trunks were ordered, and he determined to fly from his tormentors.

There was no stage, however, before afternoon, and six or eight hours must be endured before any one could leave the place. The obliging young lady played the wedding march upon the piano; but music had no charm to soothe the troubles of my uncle. In a fit of impatient desperation, Major Wherrey seized a book from the centre-table of the "boarders' parlor"-where the usual number were collected, to stare at each other, and wish away the morning-and hastily turned over its leaves. It had the popular alliterative title, and, of course, had sold to an almost mythical number of copies at least, so said the publishers.

"Harpoons and Hantboys, from Hatty's Haversack," repeated my uncle, as he glanced over the title-page, and then with a start of recognition- Miss Kate Lawton, from her friend, T. Barnard." The start was occasioned by a remarkable resemblance that Major Wherrey detected between the chirography of these latter words, and that of Professor Phantillo; nor was his astonishment lessened, when he observed, in the handwriting of the New York reporter, near the bottom of the page, this expressive criticism" a book just such as I like. K. L.”

Of course, my uncle's understanding received a sudden illumination from this accidental discovery. Relieved from his apprehensions so unexpectedly, his first impulse was to embrace his persecutors, as if they had done him some distinguished favor; then came the revulsion of feeling, and the mortification of having been successfully hoaxed-than which there are few things harder to bear with equanimity.

He was, nevertheless, reminded by the lady and gentleman who had amused themselves at his expense, of an opinion he had himself expressed upon the