'Don't tell any body what I write, because I should not care to have folks say I discover what passes in our family; but if it had not been so great a lady, I should have thought she had had a mind to me. Dear Pamela, don't tell any body: but she ordered me to sit down by her bed-side, when she was naked in bed; and she held my hand and talked exactly as a lady does to her sweetheart in a stage-play, which I have seen in Covent-Garden, while she wanted him to be no better than he should be.

then, says you, the world will never know | tell the secrets of my master's family; but any thing of the matter; yet, would not to be sure you must have known they never that be trusting to your secrecy? must not loved one another; and I have heard her my reputation be then in your power? ladyship wish his honour dead above a would you not then be my master? Jo- thousand times; but nobody knows what seph begged her ladyship to be comforted; it is to lose a friend till they have lost him. for that he would never imagine the least wicked thing against her, and that he had rather die a thousand deaths than give her any reason to suspect him. "Yes,' says she, I must have reason to suspect you. Are you not a man? and without vanity I may pretend to some charms. But perhaps you may fear I should prosecute you; indeed I hope you do; and yet Heaven knows I should never have the confidence to appear before a court of justice; and you know, Joey, I am of a forgiving temter. Tell me, Joey, don't you think I should forgive you?' 'Indeed, madam,' says Joseph, 'I will never do any thing to disoblige your ladyship.' 'How,' says she, 'do you think it would not disoblige me then do you think I would willingly suffer you?" I don't understand you, madam,' says Joseph. 'Don't you?" said she, then you either are a fool, or pretend to be so; I find I was mistaken in you: so get you down stairs, and never let me see your face again: your pretended innocence cannot impose on me.' 'Madam,' said Joseph, I would not have your ladyship think any evil of me. I have always endeavoured to be a dutiful servant both to you and my master.' 'O thou villain !' answered my lady, why didst thou mention the name of that dear man, unless to torment me, to bring his precious memory to my mind,' (and then she burst into a fit of tears.) Get thee from my sight, I shall never endure thee more.' At which words she turned away from him; and Joseph retreated from the room in a most disconsolate condition, and writ that letter which the reader will find in the next chapter

'If madam be mad, I shall not care for staying long in the family; so I heartily wish you could get me a place, either at the squire's or some other neighbouring gentleman's, unless it be true that you are going to be married to Parson Williams, as folks talk, and then I should be very willing to be his clerk; for which you know I am qualified, being able to read, and to set a psalm.

'I fancy I shall be discharged very soon; and the moment I am, unless I hear from you, I shall return to my old master's country-seat, if it be only to see Parson Adams, who is the best man in the world. London is a bad place, and there is so little good fellowship, that the next door neighbours don't know one another. Pray give my service to all friends that inquire for me; so I rest

'Your loving brother,

JOSEPH ANDREWS.'

As soon as Joseph had sealed and directed this letter, he walked down stairs, where he met Mrs. Slipslop, with whom we shall take this opportunity to bring the reader a little better acquainted. She was a maiden gentlewoman of about forty-five years of age, who having made a small slip in her youth, had continued a good maid ever since. She was not at this time remarkably handsome; being very short, and rather too corpulent in body; and somewhat red, with the addition of pimples, in the face. Her nose was likewise rather too large, and her eyes too little; nor did she resemble a cow so much in her breath, as in two brown globes which she carried before her; one of her legs was also a little shorter than the other, which occasioned her to limp as she walked. This fair creature had long cast the eyes of affection on Joseph, in which she had not met with quite so good success as she probably wished, though, beside the allurements of

her native charms, she had given him tea, | spise you rather than be angry with you, sweetmeats, wine, and many other delica- for referring the conversation of girls to cies, of which by keeping the keys she had that of a woman of sense.'-' Madam,' says the absolute command. Joseph, however, Joseph, 'I am sure I have always valued had not returned the least gratitude to all the honour you did me by your conversathese favours, not even so much as a kiss: tion, for I know you are a woman of learnthough I would not insinuate she was so ing. Yes, but Joseph,' said she, a little easily to be satisfied; for surely then he softened by the compliment to her learning, would have been highly blameable. The 'If you had a value for me, you certainly truth is, she was arrived at an age when would have found some method of showing she thought she might indulge herself in it me; for I am convicted you must see the any liberties with a man, without the dan-value I have for you. Yes, Joseph, my ger of bringing a third person into the eyes, whether I would or no, must have world to betray them. She imagined, that declared a passion I cannot conquer.-Oh! by so long a self-denial she had not only Joseph !' made amends for the small slip of her youth above hinted at, but had likewise laid up a quantity of merit to excuse any future failings. In a word, she resolved to give a loose to her amorous inclinations, and to pay off the debt of pleasure she found she owed herself, as fast as possible.

As when a hungry tigress, who long has traversed the woods in fruitless search, sees within the reach of her claws a lamb, she prepares to leap on her prey; or as a voracious pike of immense size, surveys through the liquid element a roach or gudgeon, which cannot escape her jaws, opens them wide to swallow the little fish; so did Mrs. Slipslop prepare to lay her violent amorous hands on poor Joseph, when luckily her

With these charms of person, and in this disposition of mind, she encountered poor Joseph at the bottom of the stairs, and asked him if he would drink a glass of some-mistress's bell rung, and delivered the inthing good this morning. Joseph, whose spirits were not a little cast down, very readily and thankfully accepted the offer; and together they went into a closet, where having delivered him a full glass of ratafia, and desired him to sit down, Mrs. Slipslop thus began:

'Sure nothing can be a more simple contract in a woman, than to place her affections on a boy. If I had ever thought it would have been my fate, I should have wished to die a thousand deaths rather than live to see that day. If we like a man, the lightest hint sophisticates. Whereas a boy proposes upon us to break through all the regulations of modesty, before we can make any oppression upon him.' Joseph, who did not understand a word she said, answered, 'Yes, madam.'-'Yes, madam!' replied Mrs. Slipslop with some warmth, 'Do you intend to result my passion? Is it not enough, ungrateful as you are, to make no return to all the favours I have done you; but you must treat me with ironing? Barbarous monster! how have I deserved that my passion should be resulted and treated with ironing?'--'Madam,' answered Joseph, I don't understand your hard words: but I am certain you have no occasion to call me ungrateful; for, so far from intending you any wrong, I have always loved you as well as if you had been my own mother.' 'How, sirrah!' says Mrs. Slipslop in a rage: Your own mother? Do you assinuate that I am old enough to be your mother? I don't know what a stripling may think, but I believe a man would refer me to any green-sickness silly girl whatsomdever: but I ought to de

tended martyr from her clutches. She was obliged to leave him abruptly, and to defer the execution of her purpose till some other time. We shall therefore return to the Lady Booby, and give our reader some account of her behaviour, after she was left by Joseph in a temper of mind not greatly different from that of the inflamed Slipslop.

CHAPTER VII.

Sayings of wise men. A dialogue between the lady and her maid; and a panegyric, or rather satire, on the passion of love in the sublime style.

IT is the observation of some ancient sage, whose name I have forgot, that passions operate differently on the human mind, as diseases on the body, in proportion to the strength or weakness, soundness or rottenness, of the one and the other.

We hope, therefore, a judicious reader will give himself some pains to observe, what we have so greatly laboured to describe, the different operations of this passion of love in the gentle and cultivated mind of the Lady Booby, from those which it effected in the less polished and coarser disposition of Mrs. Slipslop.

Another philosopher, whose name also at present escapes my memory, hath somewhere said, that resolutions taken in the absence of the beloved object, are very apt to vanish in its presence; on both which wise sayings, the following chapter may serve as a comment.

No sooner had Joseph left the room in the manner we have before related, than

the lady, enraged at her disappointment, | son to respect me of fondness for a fellow; began to reflect with severity on her conduct. Her love was now changed to disdain, which pride assisted to torment her. She despised herself for the meanness of her passion, and Joseph for its ill success. However, she had now got the better of it in her own opinion, and determined immediately to dismiss the object. After much tossing and turning in her bed, and many soliloquies, which if we had no better matter for our reader we would give him, she at last rung the bell as above mentioned, and was presently attended by Mrs. Slipslop, who was not much better pleased with Joseph than the lady herself.

and if it be your pleasure, I shall fulfil it with as much reluctance as possible.'-'As little, I suppose you mean,' said the lady; and so about it instantly." Mrs. Slipslop went out, and the lady had scarce taken two turns, before she fell to knocking and ringing with great violence. Slipslop, who did not travel post haste, soon returned, and was countermanded as to Joseph, but ordered to send Betty about her business without delay. She went out a second time with much greater alacrity than before; when the lady began immediately to accuse herself of want of resolution, and to apprehend the return of her affection, 'Slipslop,' said lady Booby, 'when did with its pernicious consequences; she thereyou see Joseph? The poor woman was fore applied herself again to the bell, and so surprised at the unexpected sound of re-summoned Mrs. Slipslop into her preshis name at so critical a time, that she had ence; who again returned, and was told the greatest difficulty to conceal the con- by her mistress, that she had considered fusion she was under, from her mistress; better of the matter, and was absolutely whom she answered, nevertheless, with resolved to turn away Joseph; which she pretty good confidence, though not entirely ordered her to do immediately. Slipslop, void of fear of suspicion, that she had not who knew the violence of her lady's temseen him that morning. 'I am afraid,' said per, and would not venture her place for Lady Booby, 'he is a wild young fellow.'- any Adonis or Hercules in the universe, "That he is,' said Slipslop, and a wicked left her a third time; which she had no one too. To my knowledge he games, sooner done, than the little god Cupid, drinks, swears, and fights eternally; be-fearing he had not yet done the lady's busisides, he is horribly indicted to wenching.' -Ay!' said the lady, 'I have never heard that of him.'-'O madam!' answered the other, he is so lewd a rascal, that if your ladyship keeps him much longer, you will not have one virgin in your house except myself. And yet I can't conceive what the wenches see in him, to be so foolishly fond as they are; in my eyes, he is as ugly a scarecrow as I ever opheld.'-'Nay,' said the lady, the boy is well enough.'-'La! ma'am,' cries Slipslop, 'I think him the ragamaticallest fellow in the family.''Sure, Slipslop,' said she, 'you are mistaken: but which of the women do you most suspect?'-'Madam,' says Slipslop, 'there is Betty the chambermaid, I am almost convicted, is with child by him.'-'Ay!' says the lady, then pray pay her her wages instantly. I will keep no such sluts in my family. And as for Joseph, you may discard him too.'-'Would your ladyship have him paid off immediately? cries Slipslop, 'for perhaps when Betty is gone, he may mend; and really the boy is a good servant, and a strong, healthy, luscious boy enough.' This morning,' answered the lady, with some vehemence. 'I wish, madam,' cries Slipslop, 'your ladyship would be so good as to try him a little longer.'- Not the great Rich, who turns men into 'I will not have my commands disputed,' monkeys and wheelbarrows, and whatever said the lady; 'sure you are not fond of else best humours his fancy, hath so strangehim yourself.-'I, madam!' cries Slipslop, ly metamorphosed the human shape; nor reddening, if not blushing, I should be the great Cibber, who confounds all numsorry to think your ladyship had any rea-ber, gender, and breaks through every rule

ness, took a fresh arrow with the sharpest point out of his quiver, and shot it directly into her heart: in other and plainer language, the lady's passion got the better of her reason. She called back Slipslop once more, and told her she had resolved to see the boy, and examine him herself; therefore bid her send him up. This wavering in her mistress' temper probably put something into the waiting-gentlewoman's head not necessary to mention to the sagacious reader.

Lady Booby was going to call her back again, but could not prevail with herself. The next consideration therefore was, how she should behave to Joseph when he came in. She resolved to preserve all the dignity of the woman of fashion to her servant, and to indulge herself in this last view of Joseph, (for that she was most certainly resolved it should be,) at his own expense, by first insulting and then discarding him.

O Love, what monstrous tricks dost thou play with thy votaries of both sexes! How dost thou deceive them, and make them deceive themselves! Their follies are thy delight! Their sighs make thee laugh, and their pangs are thy merriment!

of grammar at his will, hath so distorted | thanks for the grace which preserved them the English language as thou dost meta- formerly amongst beaus from temptations morphose and distort the human senses. perhaps less powerful than what now attacked the Lady Booby.

Thou puttest out our eyes, stoppest up our ears, and takest away the power of our nostrils; so that we can neither see the largest objects, hear the loudest noise, nor smell the most poignant perfume. Again, when thou pleasest, thou canst make a molehill appear as a mountain, a Jew'sharp sound like a trumpet, and a daisy smell like a violet. Thou canst make cowardice brave, avarice generous, pride humble, and cruelty tender-hearted. In short, thou turnest the heart of a man inside out, as a juggler doth a petticoat, and bringest whatsoever pleaseth thee out from it. If there be any one who doubts all this, let them read the next chapter.

CHAPTER VIII.

In which, after some very fine writing, the history goes on, and relates the interview between the lady and Joseph; where the latter hath set an example which we despair of seeing followed by his sex in this vicious age.

Mr. Joseph Andrews was now in the one-and-twentieth year of his age. He was of the highest degree of middle stature. His limbs were put together with great elegance, and no less strength. His legs and thighs were formed in the exactest proportion. His shoulders were broad and brawny; but yet his arms hung so easily, that he had all the symptoms of strength without the least clumsiness. His hair was of a nut-brown colour, and was displayed in wanton ringlets down his back. His forehead was high, his eyes dark, and as full of sweetness as of fire. His nose a little inclined to the Roman. His teeth white and even. His lips full, red, and soft. His beard was only rough on his chin and upper lip; but his cheeks, in which his blood glowed, were overspread with a thick down. His countenance had a tenderness joined with a sensibility inexpressible. Add to this the most perfect neatness in his dress, and an air which to those who have not seen many noblemen, would give an idea of nobility.

Such was the person who now appeared before the lady. She viewed him some time in silence, and twice or thrice before she spoke changed her mind as to the manner in which she should begin. At length she said to him, Joseph, I am sorry to hear such complaints against you: I am told you behave so rudely to the maids, that they cannot do their business in quiet;

Now the rake Hesperus had called for his breeches, and, having well rubbed his drowsy eyes, prepared to dress himself for all night; by whose example his brother rakes on earth likewise leave those beds in which they had slept away the day. Now Thetis, the good housewife, began to put on the pot in order to regale the good man Phoebus after his daily labours were over. In vulgar language, it was in the evening | I mean those who are not wicked enough when Joseph attended his lady's orders.

But as it becomes us to preserve the character of this lady, who is the heroine of our tale; and as we have naturally a wonderful tenderness for that beautiful part of the human species called the fair sex; before we discover too much of her frailty to our reader, it will be proper to give him a lively idea of the vast temptation, which overcame all the efforts of a modest and virtuous mind; and then we humbly hope his good-nature will rather pity than condemn the imperfection of human virtue.

to hearken to your solicitations. As to others, they may, perhaps, not call you rude; for there are wicked sluts, who make one ashamed of one's own sex, and are as ready to admit any nauseous familiarity, as fellows to offer it: nay, there are such in my family; but they shall not stay in it; that impudent trollop who is with child by you is discharged by this time.'

As a person who is struck through the heart with a thunder-bolt, looks extremely surprised, nay, and perhaps is so too-thus the poor Joseph received the false accusation of his mistress; he blushed and looked confounded, which she misinterpreted to be symptoms of his guilt, and thus went on:

Nay, the ladies themselves will, we hope, be induced, by considering the uncommon variety of charms which united in this young man's person, to bridle their rampant "Come hither, Joseph: another mistress passion for chastity, and be at least as mild might discard you for these offences; but as their violent modesty and virtue will I have a compassion for your youth, and permit them, in censuring the conduct of a if I could be certain you would be no more woman, who, perhaps, was in her own dis-guilty-Consider, child,' (laying her hand position as chaste as those pure and sancti- carelessly upon his,) 'you are a handsome fied virgins, who, after a life innocently spent in the gaieties of the town, begin about fifty to attend twice per diem at the polite churches and chapels, to return

young fellow, and might do better; you might make your fortune.'-'Madam,' said Joseph, I do assure your ladyship, I don't know whether any maid in the house is

C

any: or why, because I am a man, or because I am poor, my virtue must be subservient to her pleasures.'-'I am out of patience,' cries the lady: 'Did ever mortal hear of a man's virtue! Did ever the greatest or the gravest men pretend to any of this kind! Will magistrates who punish lewdness, or parsons who preach against it, make any scruple of committing it? And can a boy, a stripling, have the confidence to talk of his virtue?'-' Madam,' says Joseph, that boy is the brother of Pamela, and would be ashamed that the chastity of his family, which is preserved in her, should be stained in him. If there are such men as your ladyship mentions, I am sorry for it; and I wish they had an opportunity of reading over those letters which my father hath sent me of my sister Pamela's; nor do I doubt but such an example would amend them.' 'You impudent villain,' cries the lady in

man or woman.'-'O fy! Joseph,' an- to honour you with the highest favour in swered the lady, don't commit another her power, your virtue should resist her crime in denying the truth. I could par- inclination? that when she had conquered don the first; but I hate a liar.'-'Madam,' her own virtue, she should find an obcries Joseph, I hope your ladyship will struction in yours? Madam,' said Jonot be offended at my asserting my inno-seph, 'I can't see why her having no vircence; for by all that is sacred, I have tue should be a reason against my having never offered more than kissing.' 'Kissing!' said the lady, with great discomposure of countenance, and more redness in her cheeks, than anger in her eyes; 'Do you call that no crime? Kissing, Joseph, is as a prologue to a play. Can I believe a young fellow of your age and complexion will be content with kissing! No, Joseph, there is no woman who grants that, but will grant more; and I am deceived greatly in you, if you would not put her closely to it. What would you think, Joseph, if I admitted you to kiss me? Joseph replied, "He would sooner die than have any such thought.' 'And yet, Joseph,' returned she, ladies have admitted their footmen to such familiarities; and footmen, I confess to you, much less deserving them; fellows without half your charms, for such might almost excuse the crime. Tell me therefore Joseph, if I should admit you to such freedom, what would you think of me? tell me freely.'-'Madam,' a rage, do you insult me with the follies said Joseph, 'I should think your ladyship condescended a great deal below yourself.' -Pugh!' said she, 'that I am to answer to myself: but would you not insist on more? Would you be contented with a kiss? Would not your inclinations be all on fire rather by such a favour?-Madam,' said Joseph, 'if they were, I hope I should be able to control them, without suffering them to get the better of my virtue.'-You have heard, reader, poets talk of the statue of surprise; you have heard likewise, or else you have heard very little, how surprise made one of the sons of Crosus speak, though he was dumb. You have seen the faces, in the eighteen-penny gallery, when, through the trap-door, to soft or no music, Mr. Bridgwater, Mr. William Mills, or some other of ghostly appearance, hath ascended, with a face all pale with powder, and a shirt all bloody with ribands; but from none of these, nor He was no sooner gone than she burst from Phidias or Praxiteles, if they should forth into the following exclamation: return to life-no, not from the inimitable Whither doth this violent passion hurry pencil of my friend Hogarth, could you re-us? what meannesses do we submit to ceive such an idea of surprise, as would from its impuise? Wisely we resist its have entered in at your eyes had they be- first and least approaches; for it is then held the Lady Booby, when those last words only we can assure ourselves the victory. issued out from the lips of Joseph.-Your No woman could ever safely say, so far virtue' said the lady, recovering after a only will I go. Have I not exposed myself silence of two minutes, I shall never sur-to the refusal of my footman? I cannot vive it. Your virtue!-intolerable confi- bear the reflection.' Upon which she apdence! Have you the assurance to pre-plied herself to the bell, and rung it with tend, that when a lady demeans herself to infinite more violence than was necessary; throw aside the rules of decency, in order the faithful Slipslop attending near at

of my relation, who hath exposed himself all over the country upon your sister's account? a little vixen, whom I have always wondered my late Lady Booby ever kept in her house. Sirrah! get out of my sight, and prepare to set out this night; for I will order you your wages immediately, and you shall be stripped and turned away.'-' Madam,' says Joseph, 'I am sorry I have offended your ladyship, I am sure I never intended it.' Yes, sirrah,' cries she, 'you have had the vanity to misconstrue the little innocent freedom I took, in order to try whether what I heard was true. O, my conscience, you have had the assurance to imagine I was fond of you myself.' Joseph answered, he had only spoke out of tenderness for his virtue; at which words she flew into a violent passion, and, refusing to hear more, ordered him instantly to leave the room.