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sap: by this meanes he keeps them the longer, himselfe the better. He hath learnt to cough, and spit, and blow his nose at every period, to recover his memory: and studies chiefely to set his eyes and beard to a new forme of learning. His religion lies in waite for the inclination of his patron; neither ebs nor flowes, but just standing water, betweene Protestant and Puritane. His dreames are of plurality of benefices and non-residency; and when he rises, acts a long grace to his looking glasse. Against he comes to be some great mans chaplaine, he hath a habit of boldnesse, though a very coward. He speakes swords, fights, ergo's: his pace on foot is a measure; on horse-back a gallop: for his legs are his owne, though horse and spurres are borrowed. He hath less use then possession of books. He is not so proud, but he will call the meanest author by his name: nor so unskilled in the herauldry of a study, but he knowes each mans place. So ends that fellowship, and begins another.
A mecre Pettyfogger
S one of Sampeon's foces; he sets men
together by the eares, more sharefully
then pillories, and in a long vacation bis sport is to goe a fishing with the penall statutes.
He cannot erre before judgment, and then you see it, only writs of error are the tariers that kcepe his client undloing somewhat the longer. He is a vestryman in his parish, and easily sets his neighbour at variance with the vicar, when his wicked counsell on both sides is like weapons put into mens hands by a fencer, whereby they get blowes, he money. His honesty and learning bring him to under-shriveship, which having twice runne through, he doe's not feare the lieutenant o'th' shire : nay more, he feares not God. Cowardise holds him a good commonwealths man; his pen is the plough, and parchment the soyle, whence he reapes both coyne and
Hee is an earthquake, that willingly will let no ground lye in quiet. Broken titles make him whole; to have halfe in the county break their bonds, were the only liberty of conscience. He would wish (though he be a brownist) no neighbour of his should pay his tithes duly, if such suits held continuall plea at Westminster. He cannot away with the reverend service in our church, because it ends with The peace of God. He loves blowes extremely, and hath his chirurgians bill of all rates, from head to foot, to incense the fury: he would not give away his yearcly beatings for a good pecce of mony. He makes his will in forme of a law case, fuil of quiddits, that his friends after his death (if for nothing else, yet) for the vexation of law, may have
cause to remember him. And if he thought the ghosts of men did walke againe (as they report in time of popery) sure he would hide some single money in Westminster-hall, that his spirit might haunt there. Only with this, I will pitch him o're the bar, and leave him, that his fingers itch after a bribe, ever since his first practising of court-hand.
An Ingrosser of Corne,
HERE is no vermine in the land like
him, he slanders both heaven and earth
with pretended dearths, when there's no cause of scarcity. His hoording in a deere yeare, is like Erisicthons bowels in Ovid: Quodque urbibus esse ; quodque satis poterat populo, non sufficit uni. Hee prayes daily for more inclosures, and knowes no reason in his religion, why we should call our forefathers dayes the time of ignorance, but onely because they sold wheate for twelve pence
bushell. He wishes that Danske were at the Moloccos; and had rather be certaine of some forraine invasion, then of the setting up of the stilyard. When his barnes and garners are full (if it be a time of dearth) he will buy halfe a bushell i’th' market to serve his houshold: and winnowes his corne in the night, lest, as the chaffe throwne upon the water,
shew'd plenty in Egypt; so his (carried by the windl) should proclaime his abundance. No painting pleases him so well, as Pharaohs dreame of the seven leane kine, that ate up the fat ones; that he has in his parlour, which he will describe to you like a motion, and his comment ends with a smothered prayer for the like scarcity. He cannot away with tobacco; for he is perswarled (and not much amisse) that 'tis a sparer of bread-corne ; which he could find in's heart to transport without licence : but weighing the penalty, he growes mealy-mouth'd, and dares not. Sweet smels he cannot abide ; wishes that the pure aire were generally corrupted : nay, that the spring had lost hier fragrancy for ever, or we our superfluous sense of smelling, (as he tearmes it) that his corne might not be found musty. The poore he accounts the justices intelligencers, and cannot abide them: he complaines of our negligence of discovering new parts of the world, onely to rid them from our climate. His sone, by a certaine kind of instinct, he binds prentice to a taylor, who all the terme of his indenture, hath a deare yeare in's belly, and ravins bread extremely : when he comes to be a freeman (if it be a dearth) he marries him to a bakers daughter.
A Devillish Usurer
S sowed as cummin or hemp-seed, with curses i
and he thinkes he thrives the
better. He is far better read in the pænall statutes, then the Bible; and his evill angell perswades him, he shall sooner bee saved by them. He can bec no mans friend; for all men he hath inost interest in, hee undoes : and a double-dealer hee is certainly; for by his good will, he ever takes the forfeit. He puts his mony to the unnatural act of generation ; and his scriv'ner is the supervisor bawd to't. Good deeds hee loves none, but seald and delivered : nor doth he wish any thing to thrive in the country, but bee-hives ; for they make him wax rich. He hates all but law-latine, yet thinks he might be drawne to love a scholler, could hce reduce the yeare to a shorter compasse, that his use-money might come in the faster. He „seemes to be the sonne of a jaylor, for all his estate is in most heavy and cruell bonds. Hee doth not give, but sell daies of payment, and those at the rate of a mans undoing : he doth onely feare the day of judgement should fall sooner, then the paiment of some great sum of money due to him : he removes his lodging when a subsidie comes; and if he bc found out, and pay it, he grumbles treason; but 'tis