CURIOUS AND WITTY QUIPS AND CRANKS.

ACROSTIC ON NAPOLEON.

THE following acrostic on Napoleon was composed by a professor at Dijon, as soon as the entrance of the allies into that town had enabled its loyal population to declare in favour of its legitimate sovereign :— N ihil fuit;

A ugustus evenit;
Populos reduxit ;
O rbem disturbavit ;
Libertatem oppressit ;
E cclesiam distraxit;
O mnia esse voluit ;
Nihil erit.

It would be difficult to give a more concise and more faithful history of Napoleon's whole career. Subjoined is a translation of this acrostic. It is impossible, of course, in a translation to preserve the order of letters which characterize this species of composition.

He was nothing;

He became emperor;
He conquered nations;
He disturbed the world;
He oppressed liberty;
He distracted the church;
He wished to be everything;
He shall be nothing.

THE SEVEN WISE MEN OF GREECE.

I'LL tell the names and sayings, and the places of their birth,
Of the seven great ancient sages so renowned on Grecian earth :
The Lindian CLEOBULUS said, "The mean was still the best ;"
The Spartan CHILO, "Know thyself," a heav'n-born phrase confessed;
Corinthian PERIANDER taught " Our anger to command:"
"Too much of nothing," PITTACUS, from Mitylene's strand;
Athenian SOLON thus advised," Look to the end of life,"
And BIAS from Prienè showed, " Bad men are the most rife;"
Milesian THALES urged that " None should e'er a surety be :"
Few were their words, but if you look, you'll much in little see."
The Greek Anthology.—Anon.

THE TWELVE LABOURS OF HERCULES.
THE Nemean monster and the Hydra dire
I quelled; the Bull, the Boar I saw expire

Under my hands. I seized the queenly Zone,
And Diomede's fierce steeds I made my own.
I plucked the golden Apples; Geryon slew,
And what I could achieve Augèas knew.

The Hind I caught, the vile Birds ceased their flight,
Cerberus I upwards dragged, and gained Olympus' height.

Philippus.

SIMILES.

As wet as a fish—as dry as a bone;
As live as a bird-as dead as a stone;
As plump as a partridge—as poor as a rat;
As strong as a horse-as weak as a cat ;
As hard as a flint-as soft as a mole;
As white as a lily-as black as a coal;
As plain as a pike-staff-as rough as a bear ;
As tight as a drum-as free as the air ;
As steady as time-uncertain as weather;
As heavy as lead—as light as a feather;
As hot as an oven—as cold as a frog;
As gay as a lark—as sick as a dog ;

As slow as the tortoise-as swift as the wind;
As true as the gospel-as false as mankind;
As thin as a herring-as fat as a pig ;
As proud as a peacock-as blithe as a grig;
As savage as tigers—as mild as a dove ;
As stiff as a poker-as limp as a glove;
As blind as a bat-as deaf as a post;

As cool as a cucumber-as warm as a toast;
As flat as a flounder-as round as a ball;
As blunt as a hammer--as sharp as an awl;
As red as a ferret-as safe as the stocks;
As bold as a thief-as shy as a fox;

As straight as an arrow-as crook'd as a bow;
As yellow as saffron-as black as a sloe;
As brittle as glass-as tough as a gristle;
As neat as my nail-as clean as a whistle;
As good as a feast-as bad as a witch;
As light as is day-as dark as is pitch;
As wide as a river-as deep as a well;
As still as a mouse-as loud as a bell;
As sure as a gun-as true as the clock
As fair as a promise-as firm as a rock;
As brisk as a bee-as dull as an ass;
As full as a tick-as solid as brass;
As lean as a greyhound-as rich as a Jew;
And ten thousand similes equally new.

THE SOVEREIGNS OF ENGLAND.
FIRST, William the Norman, then William his son,
Henry, Stephen, and Henry, then Richard and John;
Next, Henry the Third, Edwards one, two, and three,
And again, after Richard, three Henries we see ;
Two Edwards, third Richard, if rightly I guess,
Two Henries, sixth Edward, Queen Mary, Queen Bess,
Then Jamie the Scotchman, then Charles, whom they slew,
Yet received, after Cromwell, another Charles too;
Next Jamie the Second ascended the throne,
Then William and Mary together came on;

Till Anne, Georges four, and fourth William, all past,
God sent us VICTORIA,-may she long be the last.

MATRIMONY.

MATCHES are made for many reasons,-

For love, convenience, money, fun, and spite ;
How many against common sense are treasons,
How few the happy pairs that match aright!
In the fair breast of some bewitching dame,
How many a youth will strive fond love to waken!
And when, at length, successful in his aim,

Be first mis-led and afterwards mis-taken!
Then curse his fate, at matrimony swear,

And, like poor Adam, have a rib to spare!
Old men young women wed-by way of nurses;
Young men old women-just to fill their purses:

Nor young men only,-for 'tis my belief

(Nor do I think the metaphor a bold one),

When folks in life turn over a new leaf,

Why, very few would grumble at a gold one!

CRITICS.

TILL critics blame and judges praise,

The poet cannot claim his bays;

On me when dunces are satiric,

I take it for a panegyric;

Hated by fools, and fools to hate,

Be that my motto, and my fate.-Swift.

THE TRIUMPH OF TOBACCO OVER SACK AND ALE.

NAY, soft! by your leaves!

Tobacco bereaves

You both of the garland; forbear it :

You are two to one,

Yet tobacco alone

Is like both to win it and wear it.

Though many men crack,
Some of ale, some of sack,

And think they have reason to do it,
Tobacco hath more

That will never give o'er
The honour they do unto it.

Tobacco engages
Both sexes, all ages,

The poor as well as the wealthy;
From the court to the cottage,

From childhood to dotage,

Both those that are sick and the healthy.

It plainly appears,
That in a few years
Tobacco more custom hath gained
Than sack or than ale,

Though they double the tale

Of the times wherein they have reigned.

And worthily too,

For what they undo Tobacco doth help to regain; On fairer conditions

Than many physicians,

Puts an end to much grief and pain.

It helpeth digestion,

Of that there's no question;

The gout and the toothache it easeth ;
Be it early or late,

'Tis never out of date,

He may safely take it that pleaseth.

Tobacco prevents

Infection by scents,

That hurt the brain and are heady.
An antidote is,

Before you're amiss,

As well as an after-remèdy.

The cold it doth heat,
Cools them that do sweat,
And them that are fat maketh lean ;
The hungry doth feed,

And, if there be need,

Spent spirits restoreth again.

The poets of old

Many fables have told,

Of the gods and their symposia ;
But tobacco alone,

Had they known it, had gone
For their nectar and ambrosia.

It is not the smack

Of ale or of sack,

That can with tobacco compare ;

For taste and for smell,

It bears off the bell

From them both, wherever they are.
For all their bravado,

It is Trinidado

That both their noses will wipe
Of the praises they desire,

Unless they conspire

To sing to the tune of his pipe.

Wit's Recreation, 1650.

THE ONE THING NEEDFUL.

WE may live without poetry, music, and art ;

We may live without conscience, and live without heart;
We may live without friends, we may live without books,—
But civilized men cannot live without cooks.

He may live without books—what is knowledge but grieving ?
He may live without hope-what is hope but deceiving?
He may live without love-what is passion but pining?
But where is the man that can live without dining?

RHYME AND REASON.

Owen Meredith.

"GIVE,” said Queen Elizabeth to Lord Burleigh, while Spenser knelt, poems in hand, "Give the youth one hundred pounds." "What," exclaimed Burleigh, "all this for a song?" "Then give him what's reason," said the queen, thus leaving him in the hands of Burleigh, who ended in making him indeed Poet Laureate, but never bestowed the promised guerdon. Spenser's patience wearing out, he wrote these lines to the queen, which had the desired effect :

"I was promised on a time,

To have Reason for my Rhyme;
From that time until this season,

I've got neither Rhyme nor Reason."

ANAGRAMS.

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AN anagram is the dissolution of any word or sentence into letters as its elements, and then making some other word or sentence from