and the knocker is tied up, the straw is laid down, and the caudle is made, and the answer to inquiries is, that ' Mr. Rogers is as well as can be expected."" Captain Gronow relates that, at an evening party, at Lady Jersey's, every one was praising the Duke of B—, who had just come in, and who had lately attained his majority. There was a perfect chorus of admiration to this effect-" Everything is in his favour; he has good looks, considerable abilities, and a hundred thousand a-year." Rogers listened to these encomiums for some time in silence, and at last remarked, with an air of great exultation, and in his most venomous manner, "Thank God, he has got bad teeth!" His well-known epigram on Mr. Ward, afterwards Lord Dudley,— "They say that Ward's no heart; but I deny it, He has a heart, and gets his speeches by it," was provoked by a remark made at table by Mr. Ward. On Rogers observing that his carriage was broken down, and that he had been obliged to come in a hackney-coach, Mr. Ward grumbled out in a very audible whisper, "In a hearse, I should think,” alluding to the poet's corpse-like appearance. This remark Rogers never forgave; and he is said to have pored for days over the retaliatory epigram.-"Anecdote Lives of the Later Wits and Humorists," by John Timbs. THE SMOKING PHILOSOPHER. HIS whole amusement was his pipe; and, as there is a certain indefinable link between smoking and philosophy, my father by dint of smoking had become a perfect philosopher. It is no less strange than true, that we can puff away our cares with tobacco, when without it, they remain an oppressive burden to existence. There is no composing draught like the draught through the tube of a pipe. The savage warriors of North America enjoyed the blessing before we did, and to the pipe is to be ascribed the wisdom of their councils, and the laconic delivery of their sentiments. It would be well introduced into our own legislative assembly. Ladies, indeed, would no longer peep down through the ventilator; but we should have more sense and fewer words. It is also to tobacco that is to be ascribed the stoical firmness of those American warriors, who, satisfied with the pipe in their mouths, submitted with perfect indifference to the torture of their enemies. From the well-known virtues of this weed arose that peculiar expression, when you irritate another, that you "put his pipe out."-Marryat's "Jacob Faithful." THE BURGHER AND HIS WIFE AND THE CURFEW BELL. A CERTAIN burgher, of staid and sober habits, and well on in years married a pretty-faced wife, who gave him a deal of concern on account of the gay and riotous manner of her life, whereby he was much disgraced in the eyes of his fellow-citizens. Instead of minding her home, she would idle through all the day, and dance and sing at night in the ale-house after a most disorderly fashion. Now the law of that city was, that any man, woman, or child found in the streets after the sound of the curfew bell, should be locked up all night, and dragged through the city next day at the cart's tail. The burgher's wife generally contrived to escape punishment by not coming home till the morning. Sometimes she would steal away during her husband's first sleep, and, leaving the door ajar, trust to be able to regain it without being observed, by returning through back streets from the ale-house; and for a long time she was successful. Indeed, if a watchman saw her at such times, he would pretend to look another way, for the sake of the respect in which her husband was held. When the burgher discovered her practice, he thought of a plan of reclaiming his wife. One night he made believe to have taken too much wine, and on getting to bed feigned to fall into a sound sleep. His wife quickly rose and sped off to the ale-house. No sooner was she gone than the old man came down stairs, locked and chained the door, and then went back to his room to wait his wife's return. By-and-by she came back, tried the door and found it fast. Dreading to be found in the streets, she at last summoned courage to knock. "Go away," said the old man, looking out of the window; "I don't know you." "Dear husband," she said, coaxingly, "let me in; I am your wife." "Oh, no, you are not," he answered; "my wife came to bed two hours ago. You are some disorderly jade who wants whipping. Go away, or I will call the watchman." She begged and entreated, but in vain. Then all at once she burst out crying, and pretended to give way to despair. "You hard, cruel man," she cried, "since you have no more care for your wife than to want to see her dragged at the cart's tail in daylight before the people, I have nothing left to live for. I will not live. I will drown myself this minute in the well." She listened, but the burgher said nothing. He did not believe she would drown herself. "I will," she cried again, and waited; but the burgher would not undo the door. "You are afraid to," he answered. "You heartless brute!" she sobbed. "But I forgive you. Farewell for ever." So saying, she took a great stone and flung it into the well with a tremendous splash, and gave a piercing scream at the same moment. Then she ran and hid herself behind the door. Hearing the splash and the scream, the burgher made no doubt but his wife had drowned herself. He called her by name, but there was no answer. Then, blaming himself very much for his hardness of heart, he ran out of the house. But directly he came out of door, his wife ran in, and having made fast the lock and chain went up to her chamber. As soon as he found there was no woman in the well, the burgher tried to get into his house again, but the door was fast. Go away," said his wife, looking out of the window, and mocking him. "I don't know you." "You wicked woman," answered he. "Let me in, for the watchmen are coming. Let me in, I pray, for I am your husband." 66 66 Oh, no, you are not," she said; my husband came to bed two hours ago. You are some wicked old man who wants to be dragged at the cart's tail. Go away, or I'll call the watchman." He besought her in vain for admittance. Then the watch came up. "Here is my husband," said the lady, "at his old tricks again. You may have thought him a very steady and sedate old person; but every night, as soon as I am asleep, he gets up and goes off to the ale-house. All my entreaties have been vain. Take him, watchman, and put him in prison, and perhaps that will be a lesson to him." The watchmen knew quite well that her story was untrue; but the burgher was certainly out after curfew, and there was no help for it but to take him to jail for the night, and the next morning to drag him round the town behind a cart, like a thief and a vagabond.Beeton's Christmas Annual, 1872. SOME OF HOOK'S ESCAPADES. IN carrying out the following mischievous trick, Hook was aided by Liston, the famous comedian. A young gentleman of Hook's acquaintance had a great desire to witness a play, and also escort a fair cousin there, but was terrified lest his going to a theatre should come to the knowledge of his father, a rigid Presbyterian, who held such places in abhorrence. He communicated his difficulties to his gay friend. "Never mind the governor, my dear fellow," was the reply, "trust to me; I'll arrange everything-get you a couple of orders-secure places-front row; and nobody need know anything about it." The tickets were procured and received with great thankfulness by Mr. B, who started with his relative to the playhouse, and the pair soon found themselves absorbed in an ecstasy of delight in witnessing the drolleries of Liston. But what was their confusion, when the comedian, advancing to the footlights during a burst of laughter at one of his performances, looked round the dress-circle with a mock offended air, and exclaimed: "I don't understand this conduct, ladies and gentlemen! I am not accustomed to be laughed at; I can't imagine what you see ridiculous in me; why, I declare (pointing at the centre box with his finger), there's Harry B, too, and his cousin Martha J—; what business have they to come here and laugh at me, I should like to know? I'll go and tell his father, and hear what he thinks of it!" The consternation caused to the truant couple by this unexpected address, and the eyes of the whole audience being turned on them, may be more readily imagined than described, and they fled from the house in dismay. Passing one day in a gig with a friend, by the villa of a retired chronometer-maker, Hook suddenly reined up, and remarked to his friend what a comfortable little box that was, and they might do worse than dine there. He then alighted, rang the bell, and on being ad mitted to the presence of the worthy old citizen, said that he had often heard his name, which was celebrated throughout the civilized world, and that being in the neighbourhood, he could not resist the temptation of calling and making the acquaintance of so distinguished a public character. The good man was quite tickled with the compliment, pressed his admirer and friend to stay to dinner, which was just ready, and a most jovial afternoon was spent ; though on the way home the gig containing Hook and his companion was smashed to pieces by the refractory horse, and the two occupants had a narrow escape of their lives. In Hook's youthful days the abstraction of pump-handles and streetknockers was a favourite amusement of the young blades about town, some of whom prided themselves not a little in forming museums of these trophies. Hook was behind no one in such freaks. One of them was the carrying off the figure of a Highlander, as large as life, from the door of a tobacconist, wrapping it up in a cloak, and tumbling it into a hackney coach as "a friend-a very respectable man, but a little tipsy." On being presented for matriculation to the Vice-Chancellor (St. Mary's Hall, Oxford), that dignitary inquired if he was prepared to sign the Thirty-nine Articles. "Oh, yes," replied Hook, "forty if you like." It required all his brother's interest with Dr. Parsons to induce him to pardon this petulant sally. A story is told of Hook in which he improved on the well-known device related of Sheridan. Getting into a hackney coach one day, and being unable to pay the fare, he bethought himself of the plan adopted by the celebrated wit just mentioned on a similar occasion, and hailed a friend whom he observed passing along the street. He made him get into the carriage beside him, but on comparing notes, he found his companion equally devoid of cash as himself, and it was necessary to think of some other expedient. Presently they approached the house of a celebrated surgeon. Hook alighted, rushed to the door, and exclaimed hurriedly to the servant who opened it :-"Is Mr.- at home? I must see him immediately. For God's sake do not lose an instant." Ushered into the consulting room, he exclaimed wildly to the surgeon, "Thank heaven! Pardon my incoherence, sir; make allowance for the feelings of a husband-perhaps a father-your attendance, sir, is instantly required-instantly-by Mrs. For mercy's sake, sir, be off!" "I'll be on my way immediately,” replied the medical man; I have only to get my instruments, and step into my carriage." "Don't wait for your carriage," cried the pseudo-distressed parent; "get into mine, which is waiting at the door." Esculapius readily complied, was hurried into the coach, and conveyed in a trice to the residence of an aged spinster, whose indignation and horror at the purport of his visit were beyond all bounds. The poor man was glad to beat a speedy retreat, but the fury of the old maiden lady was not all he was destined to undergo, as the hackney coachman kept hold of him and mulcted him in the full amount of the fare which Hook ought to have paid. 66 All Hook's other escapades were, however, fairly eclipsed by the famous Berners Street hoax, which created such a sensation in London in 1809. By despatching thousands of letters to innumerable quarters he completely blocked up the entrance to the street by an assemblage of the most heterogeneous kind. The parties written to had been requested to call on a certain day at the house of a lady, residing at No. 54, Berners Street, against whom Hook and one or two of his friends had conceived a grudge. So successful was the trick, that nearly all obeyed the summons. Coal waggons heavily laden, carts of upholstery, vans with pianos and other articles, wedding and funeral coaches, all rumbled through and filled up the adjoining streets and lanes; sweeps assembled with the implements of their trade; tailors with clothes that had been ordered, pastry-cooks with wedding cakes, undertakers with coffins, fishmongers with cod-fishes, and butchers with legs of mutton. There were surgeons with their instruments, lawyers with their papers and parchments, and clergymen with their books of devotion. Such a babel was never heard before in London; and to complete the business, who should drive up but the Lord Mayor in his state carriage, the Governor of the Bank of England, the Chairman of the East India Company, and even a scion of royalty itself in the person of the Duke of Gloucester. Hook and his confederates were meantime enjoying the fun from a window in the neighbourhood; but the consternation occasioned to the poor lady who had been made the victim of the jest was nearly becoming too serious a matter. He never avowed himself as the originator of this trick, though there is no doubt of his being the prime actor in it. It was made the subject of a solemn investigation by many of the parties who had been duped, but so carefully had the precautions been taken to avoid detection that the inquiry proved entirely fruitless.-Chambers' Book of Days. THE VICAR. HIS talk was like a stream which runs It passed from Mahomet to Moses; The planets in their radiant courses, Of loud dissent the mortal terror; He 'stablished truth or startled error, The Deist sighed with saving sorrow, And dreamt of eating pork to-morrow. T |