in the letter 'pon my soul 'twould do your heart good to see what an example is made of the old snob. What has he been flaring up about?" "He says he hates all the Irish-and Irish officers in particular." "Oh Lord!-he's a trump, that old scoundrel, after all. The letter is full of disgust at Irish captains." "What letter?" enquired the voice. "Your lover's," -replied my friend -" he hates them all: one owes him no end of money for wine." (Sam Horrox, it appears, was in the wine trade.) "But he'll arrest him, and squeeze the soul out of him in the bankruptcy court." "Who is to be squeezed?-I don't quite understand"-said the lady, perplexed. "You, my dear, he's such a devil for squeezing hands." "Who?" "You know very well," replied my friend, "so don't come the pretty-behaved at this time of night. Tell me you are devoted to him, and long for his return-he'll be back from the London docks in three weeks." "Is Captain O'Connor gone to London?" "What the devil do I know?" "Who are you?" "Sam Horrox's friend-don't you know me?-I'm such a fellow for meetings and assignations!" At this moment the lady uttered a loud scream, the light was extinguished, and the back-door was suddenly opened. Two or three men rushed out into the little green, and pursued my friend. I luckily effected my escape over the wall, but his actions were not quite so prompt. Being somewhat heavy, and restrained by the tightness of his clothes, he was only able to jump to the top of the wall, where he lay spread across it, exposing an irresistible mark to the cudgels of his pursuers, who laid on as if they were threshing a sack of wheat. The struggles of my friend were tremendous, and his bellowings immense. In his efforts, his garments in many quarters gave way, and at last he managed, more dead than alive, to tumble himself over the wall into the stable lane, and there he lay roaring for mercy as if the sticks were still in full practice on his ribs. But his enemies were not yet done with him. A little man climbed over the wall with great difficulty, and catching hold of my poor friend's collar, threatened him with tremendous punishment if he did not at once tell who he was, and his intentions in holding conversation with his inmates at that hour of the night. Thinking it high time to provide for my own safety, I betook myself to the Saracen's Head with all convenient expedition, and was just refreshing myself with a tumbler, when my acquaintance made his appearance. "There ain't such a fellow in Eng. land," he said, "in getting out of a scrape-you wouldn't have managed to getaway so cleverly-would you? Confess, now." "'Pon my word," I said, "I don't see so much to boast of. You have been nearly beaten into a jelly." "Yes, but I've escaped the policeoffice." "How did you manage?" "Why that old monster, it turned out, was the father of the wrong woman, and Sophy-the sweetheart of Sam Horrox, lived in the next house. They had been on the watch for two or three nights for some Irish captain that is paying his addresses to the young lady's fortune; and if I had'nt been devilish quick at inventing a story they would have had me before the magistrate in a moment. But I did them-you won't guess how ? I'm a strange fellow, I must acknowledge." "Can't possibly guess," I said, "you're such a wonderful person for expedients." "Why, I offered them my cardbut I hadn't any friends in my pocket -so I told the old boy to take out his note-book and write down my address. And what do you think I told him? Why, I gave your name, old boy. Smith, says I, lately from Bristol, lodging at the Saracen's Head. Wasn't that clever, eh?" "You atrocious scoundrel!" I said, grasping his throat, for I confess I saw so visibly the probable unpleasant effects of his story, that I lost my temper completely, "how dare you make use of my name in such a detestable subterfuge?" "Your name," he said, almost stifled, and looking prodigiously alarmed, "it's any body's name--I said Smith-Smith from Bristol-do you think there never was a Smith in Bristol but yourself? Let me gothere's a good fellow!" I pushed him from me with some violence-but it seemed that nothing could overcome his equanimity. "Many fellows" he said, "would have been quite at a loss; but I'm such a good hand at management, that I put the old fellow on the wrong scent in a minute. There ain't a man in Liverpool could have made love to the wrong woman in the style I did. Horrox ought to be very much obliged to me." "And so ought the Irish captain," I said bitterly; "he'll probably pay you his thanks in person.' "O Lord! that's nothing to what I've done in my time; but there's a great pleasure in being useful to one's friends as you'll find in a short time." "My dear sir," I said, "I beg to decline all your efforts in my behalf." "Nonsense," he said, "you're bashful-and won't employ me because you havn't known me long." "I've known you long enough to see that it is wiser to refuse your aid." "Stuff-don't be shy," he answered, "let us sup together to-morrow, and I'll bet you you'll say there ain't such a fellow breathing for doing kind things. It's an exercise for my talents. I like to do them. You'll see before long-good night." All the following day I confess that, even in business hours, I thought of the absurd behaviour of my new acquaintance, and the scrape he had got me into by assuming my name. On returning to the hotel, I was told that a gentleman had been to call on me twice. Just when I was preparing to sit down to dinner, the waiter announced a little fat old man, dressed in the style of a methodist preacher, with a rubicund visage, which contrasted strongly with the solemnity of his habiliments. He took a chair, and sat down near me. sir?" "You're Mr Smith, are you not, "Living at the Saracen's Head?" "As you see, sir." I bowed. "Oh, then, there's no mistake, and you did me the honour of a visit to my house last night?" I suppose I looked astonished, for he immediately added with a smile. "Don't think I am angry in the slightest degree-perhaps I ought to apologize for the nhospitable reception I gave your companion." "He deserved all he got," I said; "I wish you had punished him even more than you did." "Tastes differ," said the little old man, "perhaps he thinks he had enough of it-but be that as it may, I feel highly obliged to you, I assure you, for your good opinion of the lady you visited." "There must be some mistake here," I began; "the person I was with told you wrong-I never " "There is no mistake on the subject," said my visiter; "my two sons are resolved on the point, and, as they have said it, I believe I can safely assure you that there is no mistake whatever." "You will allow me, sir," I said, "with all possible respect for your sons, to inform you " "That you were in my garden last night, at one or two in the morning, serenading under a certain bed-room window-I know it so you need give me no information on the point; but since we are both agreed as to the fact of your having paid us a visit, perhaps we can settle quite as comfortably here, as in our little backgreen, the object of your politely stepping over our garden wall, and leaving us your address at that unusual hour." "I assure you, sir, I had no object whatever I merely accompanied the person you astonished with the cudgel; he said something or other which was replied to by some young lady whom I did not see; and suddenly he was put to flight by your appearance; and of every thing else I am as ignorant as that pickled salmon." "It must be only a failure of your memory, sir; and my two sons, I fear, must come and refresh it. The lady you visited is at present an inmate of my house-a friend of my daughter's, sir. Since her arrival in Queen Anne's Street the attentions of an Irish captain, of the name of O'Connor, have been unremitting; and, as we have decided objections to his approaches, we were highly gratified that an English lover-a man of your quiet habits and respectable character -for I have made enquiries in quarters where you are well known-has cut out the military wooer, and I give you notice that your propositions are ac cepted, and that we shall most decidedly expect the pleasure of your company to-morrow morning at nine o'clock at latest. We breakfast punetually at that hour; and Sophy is of course impatient." Sir," I said, "your language puzzles me very much." "Oh, no! it's very plain language indeed. You have paid your addresses to my visiter. She is a friend of my daughter's she is committed to my charge and acting in the mean time as her guardian, I tell you that there are no objections to your suit, and that the marriage must take place within a month from this time." " By heaven, sir! you take a great liberty with a perfect stranger." "Not a stranger," he said, "surely, when we have met before under such friendly circumstances in my back garden. But I will not detain you from your dinner. Sophy, I may tell you, has five thousand pounds, and expectations from her uncle for as much more. I beg to leave you my card, and I wish you a very good appetite for your dinner." I looked at the card, and saw "Trivett & Sons, packers and warehousemen private residence, 152, Queen Anne's Street." I must say the pickled salmon remained untasted. I could not imagine what the old gentleman could mean, and even doubted whether he was serious in his behaviour. One thing was very evident, that he was determined to force Miss Sophy on my hand whether I wished it or not; and such a reflection did not, of course, tend very much to raise her in my estimation. I determined at all hazards not to allow myself to be forced-no, not by all the packers and warehousemen in England-into a marriage with a person I did not know, and whose mode of yielding to one's entreaties was so very unusual. I will not conceal that there were other reasons that made the very idea of being entrapped into matrimony revolting and unendurable. Some impediments which circumstances had thrown in the way of a mutual attachment, which had subsisted for a long time between me and the niece of Mr Spriggs-a former member of this circuit-had been in a great measure removed by the pleasure which at most calumniated gentleman had experienced in seeing his character placed in its proper light by the biography of him which I read not long ago to this society. He had written to me in the kindliest spirit, and had even allowed me no very indistinct hopes of an early interview with his niece, and, in fact, with the realization of all my desires. He had given Miss Black permission to receive my letters, and I was in daily expectation of an answer to one I had sent her since my arrival in Liverpool. The idea of allowing myself, therefore, to be bullied in the way proposed by Mr Trivett was inadmissible, and I made up my mind to treat any effort made to ensnare or force me with the indignation it deserved. I was engaged in these reflections when the waiter came up, and asked if it would be safe for Mr Skivers to join me at the table ? "Mr Skivers?" I said. " Who is he? By all means let him come in. Can it be a challenge? I thought; if so, I shall soon set this Mr Skivers to the right-about." But in the midst of these reflections, my friend of the preceding evening walked up to where I sat, looking anxiously round at the other boxes, to assure himself that none of the Messrs Trivett were in the neighbourhood. "All right, I see," he said. "I'm such a fellow for knowing the way to give impudent fellows the slip!" "It's a sort of knowledge, sir, I wish to heaven you would teach to me," I said, feeling very angry at see ing the individual who, I could not doubt, was the cause of all my embarrassment. That's right," he replied, not perceiving the severity of my speech; "you'll learn an immense number of things from me. I knew you would see I was an extraordinary sort of fellow before you knew me long; and I think I may now say I've done your business." So saying, he held out his hand and shook mine, as if he was congratulating me on some very great piece of good fortune. "Waiter," he said, "bring in the kidneys and a bottle of port-wine; we have a great deal to do to-night, and had better victual the garrison." "If you mean, Mr Skivers," I began elude me in the number of people who have much to do to-night, or think you will persuade me to climb over any more garden walls". "And get walloped with any more cudgels, eh?" he added; "gad, how the old walking-stick rained on your back! But you shouldn't mind things of that kind. I've had a stick across my own back before now." "I beg to remind you, Mr Skivers, that it was your back was the sufferer, not mine. And as to your having had sticks laid on your back, I ean only say I'm not the least astonished, and moreover should not be much surprised, if my own cane took a fancy of the same sort." "'Pon my soul, it does me good to meet with a man that enters so fully into the spirit of my behaviour. You think you've seen one of my cleverest performances! Lord bless ye! laughing at old Trivett, and escaping so neatly, was nothing to what you'll see yet. This very night I'll show you a masterpiece. But here come the kidneys." The man's good-nature was so imperturbable that it was impossible to continue angry with him long. We supped very amicably together, and rapidly emptied the decanter. I was not without some curiosity to discover what the masterpiece was he calculated on showing me, and I questioned him on the subject in a way that I fear led him to believe that I was one of the most ardent of his admirers. "I'll tell you what it is," he said, "there's no use talking about it. I'm a man of action, and never waste time in words. Waiter, bring in a bottle of champagne. I always feel my genius brightened by a bumper or two of the sparkler." The waiter did as he was ordered, and proceeded to unrol the silver paper, and untwist the wire from the cork; but Mr Skivers, who allowed no opportunity to escape him of showing his ingenuity, seized the bottle, and gave the cork a tremendous turn with his finger and thumb-a service which in such hot weather, and with such an effervescent beverage, was by no means required. The whole con.. tents of the bottle spurted out in every direction, bestowing most of its attentions on the face and clothes of a respectable gentleman in the neigh bouring box, who was instantaneously blinded by the shower, and only recovered his breath and eyesight, when Mr Skivers (in the hurry of the moment, throwing the bottle among the tea-things of another quiet-looking individual in the box on the other side) began mopping his coat and countenance, to the manifest astonishment and perplexity of the object of these polite attentions. "There never was such a hand at making a cork fly as I am!" exclaimed Mr Skivers, while engaged in rubbing down his victim. "Waiters and people like that are generally so awkward. But I've a knack at most things, and opening a bottle is one of them." "Waiter!" cried the gentleman in the other box, who was evidently a Welshman from his accent, "py Cot here's a tevil of a strimmatch! The tea-pot is all proke, py Cot, and te hot water squirted all over my face. I'll stick the fork in the powels of the rascal that played the trick." "There isn't another fellow in Liverpool could have shied it so neatly," said Mr Skivers, looking round in a state of amazement at the Welshman's non-approval of so admirable a performance. " Bring another bottle, waiter, and don't be so confoundedly awkward again." Harmony, after a few words of explanation from me, was restored, and the waiter was allowed to perform his functions in peace. The sparkler, as he called it, seemed to have an inspiring effect on Mr Skivers; he became prodigiously kind and attentive to every person in the coffee-room; and as he was really a good-hearted fellow, he made various efforts to soothe the ruffled tempers of the gentlemen who had suffered from his intromissions with the champagne. He lifted one of the candles from our table, and placed it on that of the gentleman whose face had suffered from the froth, who had quietly resumed the perusal of the Times, and was evidently deeply intent on the leader. "Poor fellow, he's not very young now, and hasn't light enough!" he said to me. "Another candle will help him amazingly, and we can see quite well enough to drink. I'm always finding out ways of being use. ful." Before, however, he had time to sing his own praises much further, the old gentleman jumped up with something very like an oath, and the paper was in a flame. He threw it from him in immense alarm, and the whole double paper, in a state of complete conflagration, was floated into the Welshman's box, and unfortunately alighted on his head. In an agony of fear, and giving utterance to the most astounding cries and imprecations, he rushed up the coffee-room in a blaze; but Mr Skivers got to the sideboard before him, and emptied the contents of an enormous jug, which was unluckily filled with beer, upon his head, and when the unfortunate gentleman succeeded in throwing off the burning paper, he found himself deluged and nearly blinded with the excellent double XX, for which the Saracen's Head has been long renowned. "You owe your life to me, sir," said Mr Skivers. "If it had not been for my presence of mind, I'm hanged if the other gentleman wouldn't have burned you to death; but there never was a man so ready as I am. I don't think there's another chap in Liverpool would have been so handy with the jug." "Py Cot, I shall reward you for this if I live another day!" said the Welshman, grinding his teeth with rage. "A medal, or piece of plate, of course," replied Mr Skivers. "Well, I don't care if you give me a small token; but if I were you, I would not allow the incendiary in No. 4 to escape." "Sir," said that gentleman, out of breath with his alarm, and the violent efforts he had made to contain his anger, "you came and maliciously placed a candle beneath my newspaper, and might have set fire to the whole house. I will prosecute you for wilful fire-raising, if it cost me a thousand pounds." "You're a set of ungrateful fellows," said Mr Skivers, returning to where I had sat, an astonished spectator of these extraordinary events, "and I've a great mind never to lend a friend a candle, or extinguish a fire again, as long as I live. Waiter, another bottle of champagne, and tell those two men to make less noise. That Welshman ought to pay for the beer, and the cups, and teapot." The two gentlemen left the coffee room, probably to take legal advice, and Mr Skivers, filling up a bumper of the sparkler, said-" Now, tell me candidly, if you ever saw such an ingenious chap as I am in your life?" "In getting into scrapes, I never saw your equal," I answered. "And out of them, too? Oh, by George, I've too many brains! I sometimes wish I had fewer-but it's impossible. You'll see this very night." "Haven't I seen enough?" I asked. "I assure you I'm quite satisfied." "Enough! You've seen nothing yet; but at twenty minutes past twelve to-night-then I'll astonish you." "Why do you delay your performance so long?" "She can't get ready before." "Who?" Mr Skivers winked in a very knowing manner, and ordered a third bottle of champagne. Those we had already drunk had had their usual effect. I was not nearly so much disinclined for an adventure as I had been before supper; and as I had finally made up my mind about Mr Trivett's astonishing proposition, and knew that in this free and enlightened country no man can be married against his will, I gave a loose to my spirits, and was in a short time nearly as frisky as my friend. "She's an affectionate creature," he said, " and so dreadfully clever. She ought to marry a schoolmaster-but some fellows are lucky and some aren't. I'm a famous fellow for say. ing pithy things." There was no denying the truth of a proposition so pithily enounced, although, at the same time, I did not quite see its application. "I hope the luck you talk of," I said, "is experienced in your own person; for up to the present time, what with buffets, and breakages, and cudgelings, you've been rather unfortunate.' "Me! I never was unfortunate in my life; and, 'pon my soul, I b'lieve if I were to lay myself out for it, I might have my choice of all the girls in Liverpool." "But you've fixed on this clever one?" "Lord bless you, she fixed it herself! The moment I talked of a postchaise she offered to get ready her carpet-bag, and would be shockingly |