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The late Sir Watkins William Wynne, talking to a friend about the antiquity of his family, which he carried up to Noah, was told that he was a mere mushroom. "Ay," said he, "how so, pray?" "Why," replied the other, "when I was in Wales, a pedigree of a particular family was shewn to me; it filled up about five large skins of parchment, and about the middle of it was a note in the margin; about this time the world was created."

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Place me in that delightfu. seat,
Where I the fattest food shall meet,
Where daintiest bits are shewn;
From all intruders set me free,
My own dear carver let me be,
And help myself alone!

Enlarge my mouth !-extend my jawa!
Preserve my gums from aches and flaws,
My grinders from decay!

Oh! let my swallow be so wide,
That thumping slices down may glide,
Nor ought obstruct the way.
To thee thy humble suppliant prays,
Oh! let him pass his nights and days,
From gout and surfeit free;
Midst venison, ortolans, ragouts,
Turtle and turbot, soups and stews,
Boil'd, roast, and fricassee.

And when by cruel death laid low,
Since none can ward the fatal blow,
No power can intervene;

Oh! let this bloated paunch obtain
A burying-place in Pudding-lane,
Embalm'd in a-Tureen.

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PREPARATION FOR DEATH.

MARQUIS TOWNSHEND.

This nobleman being designed for the army, began his campaign early in life at the battle of not help jesting at the very last moment; for When Rabelais lay on his death-bed, he could Dettingen. The regiment he belonged to began having received the extreme unction, a friend the attack; and, as he was marching down towards coming to see him, said, he hoped he was prepared the enemy, rather thoughtful, a drummer's head for the next world; "Yes, yes," replied Rabewas shot off so close to him, that his brains be- lais, "I am ready for my journey now, spattered Lord Townshend's regimentals. A ve- just greased my boots."

teran officer, apprehensive that this accident might derange his young friend, went up and encouraged him by telling him, these were the mere accidents of war, and the best way was not to think at all in these cases. "O dear, Sir," says, the other (with great presence of mind)," you entirely mistake my reverie. I have been only thinking what the d-1 could bring that little drummer here, who seemed to possess such a quantity of brains."

WINE AND WALNUTS.

Wine and walnuts, I own, are a feast quité divine,
When your walnuts are good, and well flavoured
your wine;

But the trash which you give us is truly infernal;
Your wine has no spirits, your walnuts no kernel.

MAN AND WIFE.

1 THE DIFFICULT TASK.

He who would general favour win,
And not himself offend,

To day the task he may begin,

they have

But Heav'n knows when he'll end.

LOSS OF MEMORY.

A country clergyman meeting a neighbour who never came to church, although an old fellow of above sixty, reproved him on that account, and asked, if he never read at home? "No," replied the clown," I can't read."-"I dare say," said the parson, "you don't know who made you?"-"Not I, in troth," cried the countryman. A little boy coming by at the same time, "Who made you, child?" said the parson. A gentleman, who was not remarkable for being -"God, sir," answered the boy." Why, look over fond of his wife, hearing her cough a good you there," quoth the honest clergyman, “are you deal one day, said to a friend, who let drop some not ashamed to hear a child of five or six years pitying expressions, "Prithee Tom, never mind old tell me who made him, when you, that are so her, let her be d- with her cough, I hope it will old a man, cannot ?"-"Ah!" said the countrycarry her to hell in a fortnight." The lady, who man, "it is no wonder that he should remember ; was in another room, overhearing this speech, he was made but t'other day, it is a great while, mmediately rushed into the parlour, and advanc-measter, since I war made.'

ing to her husband, told him she had too much of his company in this world, to wish to have it in the next.

NAUTICAL EQUIVOQUE.

A sailor, while preparing potatoes for the cook's use, was asked by a gentleman on board, what he called those things in his country: "Call them! your honour," replied Jack, “ why, in my country, when we want these things, we fetch them, we don't call them !"

"

HOW TO BECOME CONSEQUENTIAL.
A brow austere, a circumspective eye,
A frequent shrug of the os humeri,
A nod significant, a stately gait,
A blust'ring manner, and a tone of weight,
A smile sarcastic, an expressive stare,
Adapt all these as time and place will bear,.
Then rest assur'd that those of little sense
Will set you down-A man of consequence.

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EYES AND NOSE.

Sir William Davenant, the poet, who had no nose, going along the Mews one day, a beggarwoman followed him, crying, “Ah! Gąd preserve your eye-sight, sir; the Lord preserve your eyesight."-"Why, good woman," said he," dost thou pray so much for my eye-sight?"-" Ah!" dear sir," answered the woman, "if it should please God that you grow dim-sighted, you have no place to hang your spectacles on." CRITICS.

In critics this country is rich

In friendship and love who can match 'em,
When writers are plagued with the itch,

They hasten most kindly to scratch 'em.
EPITAPH ON A GALLANT HIGHWAYMAN.

"Where thine was," said the quaker, before Harry Tudor's time. "Now thou hast been free with me," added the quaker, 66 pray let me ask thee a question. Where was Jacob going when he was turned of ten years of age? canst thou tell that?"-" No, nor you neither, I believe." "Yes, I can," replied the quaker, "he was going into his eleventh year, was he not?"

THE WORLD A PRINTING-HOUSE.

The world's a printing-house; our words are thoughts,

Our deeds are characters of several sizes; Compositors the people, of whose faults

The parsons are correctors-Heav'n revises: Death is the common press, from whence being driven,

We're gather'd and bound for either hell or heav'n.

PARISH FEELING.

A melting sermon being preached in a country church, all wept except one inan; who being asked why he did not weep with the rest? "Oh !" said he, "I belong to another parish."

CRANIOLOGY.

After the death of Porson, his head was dissect ed, and, to the confusion of all craniologists, it was discovered, that he had the thickest skull of any Professor in Europe. Professor Gall being called

Du Val, a noted highwayman, was famous upon to explain this phenomenon, and to recon

After his

for gaining the hearts of the women. death the following epitaph was bestowed on

him :

Here lies Du Val-Reader, if male thou art, Look to thy purse ;—if female, to thy heart: Much havoc has he made in both for all The men he made to stand-the women fall.

PARSON OUTWITTED.

:

cile so tenacious a memory with so thick a receptacle for it, replied;—“ How the ideas got into such a skull, is their business not mine; I have nothing to do with that; but let them once get inthat is all I want; once in, I will defy them ever to get out again."

A LEFT-HANDED EXCUSE.

A servant girl, who could not read, had, from A parson once asked an honest quaker, where constant attendance, got the church-service by his religion was before George Fox's time?rote.

But a few Sundays previous to her mar

A SUFFICIENT REASON.

riage, she was accompanied by her sweetheart, to whom she did not like it to be known that she could not read; she therefore took up the prayerA drunken fellow, having sold all his goods book, and held it before her. Her lover wished except his feather-bed, at last made away with to have a sight of it also, but, unfortunately for that too; and his conduct being reproved by some her, she held it upside down. The man, astonish- of his friends, "Why," said he, "I am very ed, says, "Good heaven! why you have the book well, thank God, and why should I keep my bed," wrong side upwards."-" I know it, sir," said she, confusedly, "I always read so, for I am left-| handed."

THE WORLD A ROOK.

The world's a book, writ by th' eternal art
Of the great author, printed in man's heart;
'Tis falsely printed, though divinely penn'd,
And all th' errata will appear at the end.

JUNIUS'S LETters.

BEAUTIFUL COLOURS,

"Your colours are beautiful," said a deeply rouged lady to a portrait-painter." Yes," answered he," your ladyship and I deal at the same shop."

THE DECISION.

A dispute having long subsisted in a gentleman's family, between the maid and the coachman, about fetching the cream for breakfast, the gentleman When the late Sir Philip Francis was one day might hear what they had to say, and decide acone morning called them both before him, that he at Holland-house, the lady of the mansion induced Mr. Rogers, the poet, to ask the knight if he cordingly. The maid pleaded, that the coachman was really the author of Junius's Letters." The the morning, and yet was so ill-natured, that he was lounging about the kitchen the greater part of pard, knowing the knight's austere character, would not fetch the cream for her; notwithstand. addressed him with modest hesitation, asking if he might be permitted to propose a question. Siring he saw she had so much to do, as not to have a moment to spare. The coachman alleged, that it Philip anticipating what was to come, exclaimed in a severe tone," At your peril, Sir;" upon master, "but pray what do you call your busiwas not his business. "Very well," said the which Mr. Rogers observed, that "if Sir Philip ness?"" To take care of the horses, and clean was really Junius, he was certainly Junius Brutus." and drive the coach," replied he." You say right," answered the master," and I do not exA town beggar was very importunate with a this I insist on, that every morning, before breakpect you to do more than I hired you for; but rich miser, whom he accosted in the following fast, you get the coach ready, and drive the maid phrase: Pray, Sir, bestow your charity; good, to the farmer's for milk; and I hope you will dear Sir, bestow your charity." Prithee, friend, allow that to be part of your business." be quiet," replied the miser," I have it not.”

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PLAIN TRUTH.

STRANGE, MORE, AND WRIGHT.

IRISH HONours.

An Irishman boasting of his birth and family, Three gentlemen being at a tavern, whose names said, that when he first came to England, he made were Strange, More, and Wright; said the last, such a figure that the bells rang through all the "There is but one rogue in company, and that is towns he passed to London. Aye," said a genStrange.' 1 Yes," answered Strange," there is tleman in company, "I suppose that was because one More."—" Aye," said More, "that is Wright."|you came up in a waggon with a beli team.”

.

SECURING A PLACE.

A gentleman possessed of a small estate in Gloucestershire, was allured to town by the promises of a courtier, who kept him in constant attendance for a long while to no purpose; at last the gentleman, quite tired out, called upon his pretended friend, and told him, that he had at last got a place. The courtier shook him very heartily by the hand, and said he was very much rejoiced at the event. "But pray, Sir," said he, “where is your place?"—" In the Gloucester coach," replied the other, "I secured it last night, and so good-by to you."

CANDLE-LIGHT WARS.

A woman in the country went for a pound of candles, when, to her great astonishment and mortification, she was informed they had risen a penny in the pound since her last purchase of them. "Why," says she, "what can be the cause of such an exorbitant rise as a penny?"-" I can't tell," says the man, "but I believe it is principally Why," ," cried she, " do they

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owing to the war,' fight by candle-light."

MUTUAL ACCOMMODATION.

A student in one of the universities, sent to another to borrow a certain book." 1 never lend my books out," said he, "but if the gentleman chooses to come to my chambers, he may make use of it as long as he pleases." A few days after, he that had refused the book, sent to the other to borrow a pair of bellows. "I never lend my bellows out," says the other," but if the gentleman chooses to come to my chambers, he may make use of them as long as he pleases."

EQUITABLE ADJUSTMENT.

A hackney-coachman, having had a busy day, went into an ale-house to regale himself, and sat in a box adjoining to one in which his master was seated. John, not suspecting who was his neighbour, began to divide his earnings in a manner not uncommon among the brothers of the whip,

saying, a shilling for master, a shilling for myself; which he continued till he came to an odd sixpence, which puzzled him a good deal, as he was willing to make a fair division. The master overhearing his perplexity, said to him, "You may as well let me have that sixpence, John, because I keep the horses, you know."

THE HIGHWAYMAN OFF HIS GUARD. A rider to a commercial house in London, was attacked a few miles beyond Winchester by a single highwayman, who robbed him of his purse and pocket-book, containing cash and notes to a considerable amount. "Sir," said the rider, "I have suffered you to take my property, and you are welcome to it. It is my master's, and the loss cannot do him much harm; but as it will look

very cowardly in me, to have been robbed without making any defence, I should wish you just to fire a pistol through my coat."-" With all my have the ball ?"—"Here," said the rider, “just heart," said the highwayman, "where will you by the side of the button." The unthinking highwayman was as good as his word; but as soon as he had fired, the rider knocked him off his horse, and, with the assistance of a traveller, who came up at the time, lodged the highwayman in gaol.

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