The Laughing Philosopher

Justice.-King of Clubs! why, you rebellious rascal, what, do you add insult to treason? Tell me what you mean.

nister of Dedham, in Essex. Going one Sunday to church from the lecture-house, he met an old Cambridge friend, who was coming to give him a call before sermon. After the accustomed salu- Countryman. Mean, your worship, why you tations, Burkitt told his friend, that as he had in-mun know that were noine and noine, at whisk and tended him the favour of a visit, his parishioners swabbers, clubs were trumps. I had eace and would expect the favour of a sermon. The cler- queen my own hand; but as ill-luck would ha't, gyman excused himself, by saying he had no ser- our neighbour Tummus clapt his king smock upon mon with him; but on looking at Burkitt's pock- my queen, and by gadlin they gotten the odd trick, et, and perceiving a corner of his sermon-book, so being well throttled with rage, your worship, he drew it gently out, and put it in his own I-I-I- cry'd damn the king! pocket. The gentleman then said with a smile, Justice.-Oh! well if that's all, thou mayst go Mr. Burkitt, I will agree to preach for you." about thy business: but see that thou never dost He did so, and preached Burkitt's sermon. He, so again. however, appeared to great disadvantage after Countryman.-God bless your Honour, I wonna Burkitt, for he had a voice rough and untuneful, e'en curse a knave, for fear it should offend your whereas Burkitt's was remarkably melodious. "Ah!" said Burkitt to him archly, after sermon, as he was approaching him in the vestry, was but half a rogue; you stole my fiddle, but you could not steal my fiddlestick."

66 you

ON A GLUTTON WHO HAD A REMARKABLE
MOUTH.

Here lies a famous belly slave,

Whose mouth was wider than a grave;
Traveller, tread lightly o'er his clod,
For should he gape you're gone by G-d!

TREASON.

A very serious complaint was once lodged before a justice of the peace in a northern county, against a simple countryman, for having damned the King. A warrant was accordingly issued, and the poordelinquent dragged before the bench, when the following interrogatories were put to him.

Justice. Harkee! you fellow; how came you wickedly and profanely to damn his most sacred Majesty George the Third, of Great Britain, France, and Ireland, King, Defender of the Faith, and so forth?

Countryman. Lord, your worship, I did not know that the King of Clubs was Defender of the Faith, or by my troth I would not have dumn'd it.

Worship!

THE HEN-PECKED HUSBAND,

Inscribed on a pane of glass by Burns.
Curst be the man, the poorest wretch in life,
The crouching vassal to the tyrant wife,
Who has no will but by her permission,
Who has not sixpence but in her possession,
Who must to her his dear friends secrets tell,
Who dreads a curtain-lecture worse than h-11.
Were such the wife had fallen to my part,
I'd break her spirit, or I'd break her heart.

THE RIDDLE.

Addressed to four Ladies.

Guess, gentle ladies, if you can,
A thing that's wondrous common,
What almost every well-bred man

Presents to every woman.

A thing with which you've often play'd
Betwixt your thumb and finger,
Though if too frequent use be made,
"Twill spoil you for a singer,
It's what weak dames and old abuse,
And often spoils the stronger;
In short, 'tis rhetoric lovers use,
When they can talk no longer.
It is a pill or potion now,
Just as you're pleas'd to make it
Raises the spirits when they're low,
And tickles when you take it.

THE ANSWER, BY THE LADIES.
To guess your riddle, gentle sir,
Four dames in council sat;
So various their opinions were,
That great was the debate.

One said, 'twas music, play'd with skill, That caus'd all this emotion;

A second said, it was a pill;

A third, it was a potion.

The fourth was quite amaz'd to hear
The ladies talk such stuff,
Told them the case was very clear,
And took a pinch of snuff.

REAL POLITENESS.

Louis XIV. having been told that Lord Stair was one of the best-bred men in Europe, "I shall soon put him to the test," said the king; and asking Lord Stair to take an airing with him, as soon as the door of the coach was opened, he bade him pass and go in; the other how ed and obeyed. The king said, "The world is right in the character it gives of his lordship; another person would have troubled me with ceremony,"

A GRAVE-DIGGER'S BILL.

A grave-digger who had buried a Mr. Button, sent the following curious bill to his widow :"To making a Button-hole......2s."

THE SAILOR'S PRAYER.

When the British ships under Lord Nelson were bearing down to attack the combined fleet off Trafalgar, the first-lieutenant of the Revenge, on going round to see that all hands were at quarters, observed one of the men devoutly kneeling at the side of his gun. So unusual an attitude exciting his surprise, he asked the sailor if he was afraid? "Afraid!" answered the tar, "No, I was only praying that the enemy's shot may be distributed in the same proportion as prize-money-the greatest part among the officers."

NATIONAL TOASTS.

When Lord Stair was ambassador in Holland, he made frequent entertainments, to which the foreign ministers were constantly invited. The French Ambassador, in his turn, as constantly invited the English and Austrian ambassadors; and on one occasion proposed a health in these terms,

The Rising Sun, my master," alluding to the device and motto of Louis XIV. It came then to the Austrian ambassador's turn to give a toast; and he proposed the " Moon," in compliment to the Empress queen. The Earl of Stair was then called upon, and that nobleman, whose presence of mind never forsook him, drank his master, King William, by the name of "Joshua, the son of Nun, who made the Sun and Moon stand still."

NOBODY.

Sure Nobody's a wicked devil,
The author of consummate evil;
In breaking dishes, basins, glasses,
In stealing, hiding-he surpasses.
Behold the punch-bowl crack'd around,
For weeks the ladle was not found;
How crack'd-'twas Nobody that did it,
How misplac'd-'twas Nobody hid it.
When in the school, sits Dr. Pedani,
He calls to him that is the head in't,

"Who made that noise? who let his tongue
stir?"

"Nobody, Sir;" exclaims the youngster.
The governess some mischief spies out;
And in a passion thus she cries out,-
"Hey day! a pretty litter this is?
Whose doing? pray! come, tell me, Misses?
Whose doing?" she repeats with fury,
Nobody's, Madam, I assure you.
The lady of the house believes,
A guest her servant-maid receives.
A thief, perhaps, who shams the lover,
The windows' fastenings to discover;
She hears a foot--yes, hears it plain,

This Nobody, how strange I think,
Can walk and talk, can eat and drink ;—
But male or female? why, I ween
The gender must be Epicene.
An old offender it appears,
Who's liv'd above a thousand years;
For Polyphemus had his odd eye
Knock'd out by him, I mean Nobody.

QUIN AND THE BEAU.

Quin being one day in a coffee-house, saw a young beau enter, quite languid with the heat of the day. "Waiter," said the coxcomb, in an affected faint voice, "Waiter, fetch me a dish of coffee, as weak as water, and as cool as a zephyr!" Quin, in a voice of thunder, imme diately vociferated, "Waiter, bring me a dish of coffee, hot as h-11, and strong as d- -to." The beau starting, exclaimed, "Pray, waiter, what is that gentleman's name?" Quin, in the same tremendous tone, exclaimed, "Waiter, pray what is that lady's name."

DEBTOR AND CREDITOR.

The tradesmen of a man of fashion having dunned him for a long time, he desired his servant

And calls, Who's there?"-but calls in vain: one morning to admit the tailor, who had not

She lists so anxious she to know,
And hears a stranger's voice below;
"Why, Jane, who is it you've got there?"
"Lord, Madam.- Nobody, I swear,
As every body can declare."

"I'm sure somebody it must be,"
Nobody, Madam-come and see."
She goes, but all in vain she peeps,
For any where Nobody creeps.
She finds her gravy-soup diminished;
Her ribs of beef are almost finished;
"Hey-day, who those provisions took,"
"Nobody, Madam," rejoins the cook
"Impossible! what do you mean?"
"Why then the cat it must have been "
Thus Nobody is never seen
In Anybody's shape, but that
Of a domestic dog or cat.

been so constant in his attendance as the rest.

When he made his appearance, "My friend," said he to him, "I think you are a very honest fellow, and I have a great regard for you; therefore, I take this opportunity to tell you, that I'll be dd if ever I pay you a farthing! Now go home, mind your business, and don't lose your time by calling here. As for the others, they are a set of vagabonds and rascals, for whom I have no affection, and they may come as often as they choose."

DUCHESS OF DEVONSHIRE and the dUSTMAN.

As the late beautiful Duchess of Devonshire was one day stepping out of her carriage, a dustman, who was accidentally standing by, and was abont to regale himself with his accustomed whiff of tobacco, caught a glance of her countenance, and in

stantly exclaimed," Love and bless you, my lady, Tremendous and loud were the gentleman's cries, let me light my pipe in your eyes!" The duch- While out came a tooth, to the patient's surprise. ess was so delighted with this compliment, that" Ouns! sir, you have drawn the best tooth that' I had, she frequently afterwards checked the strain of adulation, which was so constantly offered to her Instead of the one that's so grievously bad;" charms, by saying, "Oh! after the dustman's" That's my loss,'' cried Jalap, "I've now double labour, compliment, all others are insipid.",

INGENIOUS EVASION.

A prisoner being brought up to Bow-street, the following dialogue passed between him and the sitting magistrate: "How do you live?". "Pretty well, sir; generally a joint and a pudding at dinner?"—" I mean, sir, how do you get your bread?"" I beg your worship's pardon; sometimes at the baker's and sometimes at the chandler's shop."-"You may be as witty as you please, sir; but I mean simply to ask you, how do you do?"-"Tolerably well, I thank your worship; I hope your worship is well."

MR. THELWALL AND MR. ERSKINE. When Mr. Thelwall was on his trial at the Old Bailey for high-treason, during the evidence for the prosecution, he wrote the following note, and sent it to his counsel, Mr. Erskine: “I am determined to plead my cause myself." Mr. Erskine wrote under it," If you do, you'll be hanged; to which Thelwall immediately returned this reply, "I'll be hang'd, then, if I do."

GEORGE BARKER AND THE TOOTH-DRAWER.

The famous George Barker was laid up one day,
His wife being then in the family-way;
For always the tooth-aches of husbands begin
Whenever their wives are about lying-in;
He roar'd and he bellow'd, so great was the pain,
Supp'd brandy, bit ginger, but all was in vain.
At last Mr. Jalap, th' apothecary, came,
To take out the tooth, which the rest did inflame;
Sir, open your mouth, which he open'd so wide,
That Jalap peep'd down, and “I see it” he cried;
His head was held fast, and the pincers cramm'd in,
Which Barker receiv'd with a horrible grin.

For needs must I take out its troublesome neighbour."

George wou'd have replied, but t'other in popp'd
His pincers, and thus was his mouth quickly
stopp'd,

Then spite of odd gestures, and even wry face,
He pull'd, and he twisted, the tooth to displace;
The doctor at length brought the job to an end,
With pains to himself, but much more to his friend,
Poor Barker held up both his hands to his head,
"O death and the devil, what pain's this," hesaid;
While Jalap the gentleman gravely assur'd,
"'Twas nothing to what he might chance t' have
endured;

Pray look at the rotten old stump I'd to draw,
And then thank your stars that I didn't break your
jaw."

SPIRIT OF A GAMBLER.

One day as Dr. Young was walking in his garden at Welwyn, in company with two ladies, one of whom he afterwards married,) the servant came to tell him that a gentleman wished to speak with him. "Tell him," said the doctor, "I am too happily engaged to change my situation." The ladies insisted he should go, but, as persuasion had no effect, one took him by the right arm, the other by the left, and led him to the gardengate; when, finding resistance in vain, he bowed, and spoke the following lines:

Thus Adam look'd, when from the garden driv'n,
And thus disputed orders sent from heav'n;
Like him I go, but yet to go am loth;
Like him I go, for angels drove us both;
Hard was his fate, but mine still more unkind;
His Eve went with him, but mine stays behind."

THE BIRCH.

Ye worthies, in trust for the school and the church, Pray hear me descant on the virtues of BIRCH. Though the Oak be the prince and the pride of the grove,

An emblem of pow'r, and the favourite of Jove; Though PREBUS with Laurel his temples have bound,

And with chaplets of Poplar ALCIDES be crown'd; Tho' PALLAS the Olive has graced with her choice, And mother CYBELE in Pines may rejoice; Though BACCHUS delights in the Ivy and Vine, And VENUS her garlands with Myrtle entwine;

Nine,

Each duly arrang'd in a parallel line,
Tied up in nine folds of a mystical string,
And soak'd for nine hours in cold HELICON'S
spring

Is a sceptre compos'd for a pedagogue's hand,
Like the Fasces of Rome, a true badge of command.
The sceptre thus finish'd, like Moses's rod,
From flints can draw tears, and give life to a clod.
Should darkness Egyptian, or ignorance spread
Its clouds o'er the mind, or envelope the head,
This rod thrice apply'd puts the darkness to flight,
Disperses the clouds, and restores us to light;
Like the Virga divina, 'twill find out the vein
Where lurks the rich metal-the gold of the brain
Should Genius, a captive, by Sloth be confin'd,
Or the witchcraft of pleasure prevail o'er the
mind,

Apply but this magical wand-with a stroke,
The spell is dissolv'd, the enchantment is broke.
Like HERMES's rod, these few switches inspire
Rhetorical thunder, and Poetry's fire.
And if MORPHEUS our temples in Lethe should
steep,

These switches untie all the fetters of sleep.

« Anterior Continuar »

Livros

The Laughing Philosopher: Being the Entire Works of Momus, Jester of Olympus ...