| Justice.-King of Clubs! why, you rebellious rascal, what, do you add insult to treason? Tell me what you mean. nister of Dedham, in Essex. Going one Sunday to church from the lecture-house, he met an old Cambridge friend, who was coming to give him a call before sermon. After the accustomed salu- Countryman. Mean, your worship, why you tations, Burkitt told his friend, that as he had in-mun know that were noine and noine, at whisk and tended him the favour of a visit, his parishioners swabbers, clubs were trumps. I had eace and would expect the favour of a sermon. The cler- queen my own hand; but as ill-luck would ha't, gyman excused himself, by saying he had no ser- our neighbour Tummus clapt his king smock upon mon with him; but on looking at Burkitt's pock- my queen, and by gadlin they gotten the odd trick, et, and perceiving a corner of his sermon-book, so being well throttled with rage, your worship, he drew it gently out, and put it in his own I-I-I- cry'd damn the king! pocket. The gentleman then said with a smile, Justice.-Oh! well if that's all, thou mayst go Mr. Burkitt, I will agree to preach for you." about thy business: but see that thou never dost He did so, and preached Burkitt's sermon. He, so again. however, appeared to great disadvantage after Countryman.-God bless your Honour, I wonna Burkitt, for he had a voice rough and untuneful, e'en curse a knave, for fear it should offend your whereas Burkitt's was remarkably melodious. "Ah!" said Burkitt to him archly, after sermon, as he was approaching him in the vestry, was but half a rogue; you stole my fiddle, but you could not steal my fiddlestick." 66 you ON A GLUTTON WHO HAD A REMARKABLE Here lies a famous belly slave, Whose mouth was wider than a grave; TREASON. A very serious complaint was once lodged before a justice of the peace in a northern county, against a simple countryman, for having damned the King. A warrant was accordingly issued, and the poordelinquent dragged before the bench, when the following interrogatories were put to him. Justice. Harkee! you fellow; how came you wickedly and profanely to damn his most sacred Majesty George the Third, of Great Britain, France, and Ireland, King, Defender of the Faith, and so forth? Countryman. Lord, your worship, I did not know that the King of Clubs was Defender of the Faith, or by my troth I would not have dumn'd it. Worship! THE HEN-PECKED HUSBAND, Inscribed on a pane of glass by Burns. THE RIDDLE. Addressed to four Ladies. Guess, gentle ladies, if you can, Presents to every woman. A thing with which you've often play'd THE ANSWER, BY THE LADIES. One said, 'twas music, play'd with skill, That caus'd all this emotion; A second said, it was a pill; A third, it was a potion. The fourth was quite amaz'd to hear REAL POLITENESS. Louis XIV. having been told that Lord Stair was one of the best-bred men in Europe, "I shall soon put him to the test," said the king; and asking Lord Stair to take an airing with him, as soon as the door of the coach was opened, he bade him pass and go in; the other how ed and obeyed. The king said, "The world is right in the character it gives of his lordship; another person would have troubled me with ceremony," A GRAVE-DIGGER'S BILL. A grave-digger who had buried a Mr. Button, sent the following curious bill to his widow :"To making a Button-hole......2s." THE SAILOR'S PRAYER. When the British ships under Lord Nelson were bearing down to attack the combined fleet off Trafalgar, the first-lieutenant of the Revenge, on going round to see that all hands were at quarters, observed one of the men devoutly kneeling at the side of his gun. So unusual an attitude exciting his surprise, he asked the sailor if he was afraid? "Afraid!" answered the tar, "No, I was only praying that the enemy's shot may be distributed in the same proportion as prize-money-the greatest part among the officers." NATIONAL TOASTS. When Lord Stair was ambassador in Holland, he made frequent entertainments, to which the foreign ministers were constantly invited. The French Ambassador, in his turn, as constantly invited the English and Austrian ambassadors; and on one occasion proposed a health in these terms, The Rising Sun, my master," alluding to the device and motto of Louis XIV. It came then to the Austrian ambassador's turn to give a toast; and he proposed the " Moon," in compliment to the Empress queen. The Earl of Stair was then called upon, and that nobleman, whose presence of mind never forsook him, drank his master, King William, by the name of "Joshua, the son of Nun, who made the Sun and Moon stand still." NOBODY. Sure Nobody's a wicked devil, "Who made that noise? who let his tongue "Nobody, Sir;" exclaims the youngster. This Nobody, how strange I think, QUIN AND THE BEAU. Quin being one day in a coffee-house, saw a young beau enter, quite languid with the heat of the day. "Waiter," said the coxcomb, in an affected faint voice, "Waiter, fetch me a dish of coffee, as weak as water, and as cool as a zephyr!" Quin, in a voice of thunder, imme diately vociferated, "Waiter, bring me a dish of coffee, hot as h-11, and strong as d- -to." The beau starting, exclaimed, "Pray, waiter, what is that gentleman's name?" Quin, in the same tremendous tone, exclaimed, "Waiter, pray what is that lady's name." DEBTOR AND CREDITOR. The tradesmen of a man of fashion having dunned him for a long time, he desired his servant And calls, Who's there?"-but calls in vain: one morning to admit the tailor, who had not She lists so anxious she to know, 46 "I'm sure somebody it must be," been so constant in his attendance as the rest. When he made his appearance, "My friend," said he to him, "I think you are a very honest fellow, and I have a great regard for you; therefore, I take this opportunity to tell you, that I'll be dd if ever I pay you a farthing! Now go home, mind your business, and don't lose your time by calling here. As for the others, they are a set of vagabonds and rascals, for whom I have no affection, and they may come as often as they choose." DUCHESS OF DEVONSHIRE and the dUSTMAN. As the late beautiful Duchess of Devonshire was one day stepping out of her carriage, a dustman, who was accidentally standing by, and was abont to regale himself with his accustomed whiff of tobacco, caught a glance of her countenance, and in stantly exclaimed," Love and bless you, my lady, Tremendous and loud were the gentleman's cries, let me light my pipe in your eyes!" The duch- While out came a tooth, to the patient's surprise. ess was so delighted with this compliment, that" Ouns! sir, you have drawn the best tooth that' I had, she frequently afterwards checked the strain of adulation, which was so constantly offered to her Instead of the one that's so grievously bad;" charms, by saying, "Oh! after the dustman's" That's my loss,'' cried Jalap, "I've now double labour, compliment, all others are insipid.", INGENIOUS EVASION. A prisoner being brought up to Bow-street, the following dialogue passed between him and the sitting magistrate: "How do you live?". "Pretty well, sir; generally a joint and a pudding at dinner?"—" I mean, sir, how do you get your bread?"" I beg your worship's pardon; sometimes at the baker's and sometimes at the chandler's shop."-"You may be as witty as you please, sir; but I mean simply to ask you, how do you do?"-"Tolerably well, I thank your worship; I hope your worship is well." MR. THELWALL AND MR. ERSKINE. When Mr. Thelwall was on his trial at the Old Bailey for high-treason, during the evidence for the prosecution, he wrote the following note, and sent it to his counsel, Mr. Erskine: “I am determined to plead my cause myself." Mr. Erskine wrote under it," If you do, you'll be hanged; to which Thelwall immediately returned this reply, "I'll be hang'd, then, if I do." GEORGE BARKER AND THE TOOTH-DRAWER. The famous George Barker was laid up one day, For needs must I take out its troublesome neighbour." George wou'd have replied, but t'other in popp'd Then spite of odd gestures, and even wry face, Pray look at the rotten old stump I'd to draw, SPIRIT OF A GAMBLER. One day as Dr. Young was walking in his garden at Welwyn, in company with two ladies, one of whom he afterwards married,) the servant came to tell him that a gentleman wished to speak with him. "Tell him," said the doctor, "I am too happily engaged to change my situation." The ladies insisted he should go, but, as persuasion had no effect, one took him by the right arm, the other by the left, and led him to the gardengate; when, finding resistance in vain, he bowed, and spoke the following lines: Thus Adam look'd, when from the garden driv'n, THE BIRCH. Ye worthies, in trust for the school and the church, Pray hear me descant on the virtues of BIRCH. Though the Oak be the prince and the pride of the grove, An emblem of pow'r, and the favourite of Jove; Though PREBUS with Laurel his temples have bound, And with chaplets of Poplar ALCIDES be crown'd; Tho' PALLAS the Olive has graced with her choice, And mother CYBELE in Pines may rejoice; Though BACCHUS delights in the Ivy and Vine, And VENUS her garlands with Myrtle entwine; Nine, Each duly arrang'd in a parallel line, Is a sceptre compos'd for a pedagogue's hand, Apply but this magical wand-with a stroke, These switches untie all the fetters of sleep. |