nother, both of whom were extremely ill.)
Yes," said the general, “honour your father
your mother, that your days may be long."
and

POPE'S VERACITY.

Pope Alexander VIth. used to say, when re minded of promises he never intended to perform, "It is true I did make a promise, but I did not take an oath to keep it."

ON AN UGLY OLD WOMAN.

Whilst in the dark on thy soft hand I hung,
And heard the tempting Syren in thy tongue;
What flames, what darts, what arguish I endur'd!
But when the candle enter'd, I was cur'd.

ROYAL REGULATION.

PRUDENT ADVICE.

Among the tombs in Westminster-abbey is one to the memory of a nabob who is said to have acquired a large fortune in the east by dishonourable means. The monument describes the resurrection; the defunct is represented as rising from the grave, with astonishment in his face, and opening a curtain to see what is the matter. Some wag wrote under the figure: Lie still if you're wise;

You'll be damn'd if you rise.

ON A MISER AND A SPENDTHRIFT.

Rich Gripe does all his thoughts and cunning bend,
T' increase that wealth he wants a soul to spend;
Poor Shifter does his whole contrivance set
To spend that wealth he wants the sense to get;
How happy would to each appear his fate,
Had Gripe his humour, or he Gripe's estate,
Kind Fate and Fortune, blend 'em if you can!
And, of two wretches, make one happy man.

STAUNCH PIETY.

When George the Second was once told by some of his confidential friends, that every thing was complained of, and that the people were extremely dissatisfied at the tardiness of making the public payments, he, in great wrath, sent for the Duke of Newcastle, his prime-minister, and told him he General Kirk, who bad served many years at would no longer suffer such infamous delays, but Tangiers, was pressed by James the Second to bewas determined to inspect and regulate the ac- come a proselyte to the Romish religion. Kirk counts himself; and for this purpose he command-expressed great concern that it was not in his ed that the proper papers should be immediately power to comply with his majesty's desire, because sent to St. James's. They shall be sent to your he was really pre-engaged, The king smiled, and majesty to-morrow;" replied the duke. When asked him what he meant ? Why, truly," anthe king rose in the morning, and looked out of swered Kirk, when I was abroad, I promised his window, he saw two waggon-loads of papers, the Emperor of Morocco, that if ever I changed each tied with red tape, unloading in the area. my religion I would turn Mahometan; I never Enquiring what they were, he was told they came did break my word in my life, and I beg leave to from the Duke of Newcastle; to whom he sent to say I never wili." know what it meant. They are the papers for examination," said the duke; "twelve more waggons-load for your majesty's inspection shall be sent in the course of the day."- For my inspection!" replied the enraged monarch; for my inspection! the devil's chief clerk may inspect them, but I would as soon walk barefooted to Jerusalem."

66

A PARSON'S DREAD,

In a storm at sea, the chaplain asked one of the crew, if he thought there was any danger. "O yes," replied the sailor; if it blows as hard as it does now, we shall all be in heaven before twelve o'clock at night." The chaplain terrified at the expression, cried out," The Lord forbid.”

A SEA-HORSE.

UNEXPECTED MEETING.

A young author was reading a tragedy to agentleman, who soon discovered that he was a great plagiarist. The poet perceiving his auditor very often pull off his hat at the end of a line, asked Why, him the reason. "I cannot pass an old acquaintance," replied the critic," without that civility."

The Captain of a West-Indiaman having bought a horse, said to the jocky," Well, now the horse is mine, pray tell me candidly whether he has any faults, and what they are."-" What do you mean to do with him?" said the other. to take him to sea," answered the captain. "Then I will be candid," replied the jockey, he may go very well at sea; but on land he cannot go at all, or I would not have sold him."

THE WELSHMAN AND HIS HOST.

A Welshman coming late into an inn,
Asked of the maid, what meat there was within?
Cow-heels, she answered, and a breast of mutton;
But, quoth the Welshman, since I am no glutton,
Either of these shall serve; to night the breast,.
The heels at morning; then light meat is best ;
At night, he took the breast, and did not pay,
At morning, took his heels and run away.

THE INGENIOUS LAWYER.

A counsellor was one day asked by a judge why he was always employed in knavish causes. Why, my lord," said the counsellor, I have been so much in the habit of losing good causes, that I think I had better undertake bad ones."

LITERARY EXTRAVAGANCE.

exclaimed a warm and duil orator, to the presi-
"I will forfeit my head if you are not wrong,"
dent Montesquieu in an argument.
it," replied the philosopher; "any trifle among
"I accept
friends has a value."

BITER BIT.

Mr. Andrew Cherry, the performer, having reA writer in one of the reviews, was boasting,ceived an offer for an engagement from a manager, that he was in the habit of distributing literary re- who had not behaved altogether well to him, sent putation. "Yes," replied his friend, and you him word, that he had been bit by him once, have done it so profusely that you have left none and he was resolved that he should not make two for yourself." bites of A. Cherry."

ANTICIPATION,

A nabob, in a severe fit of the gout, told his physician he suffered the pains of the damned. The doctor coolly answered, "What, already."

MATRIMONIAL CONCORD.

Who says that Giles and Joan at discord be?
Th' observing neighbours no such mood can see.
Indeed, poor Giles repents he married ever;
But that his Joan doth too. And Giles would never
By his free will be in Joan's company;
No more would Joan he should. Giles rises early,
And having got him out of doors is glad;
The like is Joan. But turning home is sad;
And so is Joan. Oft-times, when Giles doth see
Harsh sights at home, Giles wisheth blind were he;
All this doth Joan. Or that his long-yarn'd life
Were quite outspun; the like wish hath his wife.
The children that he keeps, Giles swears are none
Of his begetting; and so swears his Joan.
In all affections she concurreth still.

If now, with man and wife, to will and nill
The self-same things, a note of concord be,
I know no couple better can agree.

BEN JONSON.

A FIRST APPEARANCE. The late Duke of Norfolk was much addicted to the bottle. On a masquerade night, he asked Foote what new character he should go in. Go sober," said Foote.

CONVENIENT NAP.

their lord was not well, and could see no company
that day.
"But tell him," said Lacy, "I must
see him, for I come to him from the Lord God !"
which being told the chief-justice, he ordered him
to be called in, and asked him his business. “I
come," said he, from the Lord, who has sent me
to thee, and would have thee grant a noli prosequi
for John Atkins, who is his servant, and whom
thou hast cast into prison."-" Thou art a false
prophet," answered Holt, "and a lying knave;
if the Lord had sent thee, it would have been to
in my power to grant a noli prosequi.”
the attorney-general, for he knows that it is not

FINE HAIR.

The lovely hair that Galla wears

Is her's-Who could have thought it?
She swears 'tis her's; and true she swears,
For I know where she bought it.

SYCOPHANT SCUM.

A courtier one day coming out of the House of Lords, accosted a nobleman with, "How does your pot boil, my lord, in these troublesome times?" To which the other replied," I never go into my kitchen; but I dare say the scum is uppermost."

PURCELL'S PUNS.

Daniel Purcell, the famous punster, and a friend of his going to a tavern, found the door shut. They knocked at it, when one of the drawers looked through a little wicket, and asked what they would please to have? "Why open your door," Two Oxford scholars slept in the same room at said Daniel, "and draw us a pint of wine." The college. "Jack," said one, early in the morn-drawer said, "his master would not allow of it ing, are you asleep?" Why?" replied the that day, for it was a fast-day." D--n your other," Because if you are not, I will borrow master," replied Purcell," for a precise coxcomb, half-a-crown of you."—"Is that all? Then I am," is he not contented to fast himself, but he must make his doors fast too?"

FALSE PROPHET.

When lord-chief-justice Holt sent one of the French prophets to prison, Mr. Lacy, one of their followers came to his lordship's house, and desired to speak with him. The servants told him

The same gentleman calling for some pipes in a tavern, complained that they were too short; the drawer said they had no other, and those were but just come in. Ay," said Daniel, “I see your master has not bought them very long."

The same gentleman was desired one night in | valier, looking upon one of the new pieces, read company, to make a pun extempore. Upon this inscription on one side, "God with us," on what subject?" said Daniel, “The king," answer- the other," The Commonwealth of England.”— ed the other. "O! Sir," said he, "the king is" I see," said he, "God and the commonwealth no subject." are on different sides."

A Welshman boasting of his family, said, his father's effigy was set up in Westminster Abbey. Being asked where, he said, "In the same monument with 'Squire Thynne's; for he was his coachman."

SAMPSON'S STRENGTH SUrpassed.

An Irish lawyer had a client of his own country, who was a sailor. During his absence at sea, his wife had married again, and he was resolved to prosecute her; coming to advise with this counsellor, he was told that he must have witnesses to prove that he was alive when his wife married again. "Arrah, by my shoul, but that will be impossible," said the other; "for my A person was saying, not at all to the purpose, shipmates are all gone to sea again upon a long that Sampson was a very strong man. 66 Ay," voyage, and will not return this twelvemonth."- said another, "but you are much stronger, for "Oh! then," answered the lawyer, "there can you make nothing of lugging him in by the head be nothing done in it: and what a pity it is that and shoulders." such a brave cause should be lost now, only because you cannot prove yourself to be alive."

BETTING AND PRAYING.

Two gentleman disputing about religion in a coffee-house, one of them said, "I wonder, sir, you should talk of religion, when I'll hold you five guineas you can't say the Lord's Prayer."Done," said the other. The money being de ́posited, the gentleman began with I believe in God, and so went cleverly through the Creed. "Well," said the other, "I own I have lost; I did not think he could have dove it."

PILLARS AND BUTTRESSES.

THE MINISTRY.

An oppositionist happening to be at a dinner at the lord mayor's, after two or three healths, the ministry was toasted; but when it came to his turn to drink, he diverted it for some time, by telling a story to the person who sat next him. The chief magistrate of the city, not seeing his toast go round, called out, " Gentlemen, where sticks the ministry ?"—" At nothing, by G--d,” said the oppositionist, and drank off his glass.

MUTUAL DEFICIENCY.

A barrister who was lame of one leg, pleading before a late judge, who had little or no nose, the In the beginning of Queen Anne's reign, three judge told him, he was afraid he had but a lame or four rakes reeling home from the Foun- cause of it. "Oh, my lord," said the barrister, tain Tavern, in the Strand, on a Sunday morning," have but a little patience, and I'll warrant I cried out, "We are the pillars of the church."- prove every thing as plain as the nose in your "No," said a wag, that happened to be in their face." company, you can be but buttresses; for you never come inside of it."

TWO SIDES OF THE QUESTION.

FLATTERING RESEMBLANCE.

A prince laughing at one of his courtiers, whom he had employed in several embassies, told him he When Oliver first coined his money, an old ca- looked like an owl." I know not,' answered

the courtier," what I look like, but this I know, that I have had the honour several times to represent your Majesty's person."

PETITION ANSWERED.

THE POOR SCHOLAR..

a

A beggar asking alms under the name of a poor scholar, a gentleman, to whom he applied, asked him a question in Latin. The fellow shaking his When Sir Cloudesley Shovel set out on his last head, said, he did not understand him. "Why," expedition, a form of prayer was composed by said the gentleman, "did not you say you were a the Archbishop of Canterbury for the success of poor scholar!"-" Yes," replied the other, " the fleet, in which his grace made use of this ex-poor one indeed, sir, for I do not understand one word of Latin." pression, "That he begged God would be a rock of defence to the fleet." Sir Cloudesley was cast away in that expedition on the rocks called the Bishop and his Clerks, on which circumstance the following lines were written:

The priest at Lambeth pray'd the dire event,
Else had we wanted now this monument,
That God unto our fleet would be a rock;
Nor did kind heav'n the wise petition mock;
To what the Metropolitan said then,
The Bishop and his Clerks replied, Amen.

MAGISTERIAL LEARNING.

A mayor of Yarmouth being by his office a justice of the peace, and one who was willing to dispense the laws wisely, though he could hardly read, procured the statute-book, where finding a Jaw against firing a beacon, or causing any beacon to be fired after nine at night; the sapient mayor read it, frying bacon, or causing any bacon to be fried. Accordingly he went out the next night on the scent, and being directed by his nose to a carrier's house, he found the man and his wife both frying bacon, the husband holding the pan, while the wife turned it; being thus caught in the fact, and having nothing to say for themselves, his worship committed them both to gaol to abide the consequence of the offence.

AN OLD PROVERB.

It being proved, on a trial at Guildhall, that a man's name was really Inch, who pretended that it was Linch," I see," observed the judge, "the old saying is verified in this man, who being al

lowed an Inch has taken an L.

CONVENIENT LOSS.

It was said of one who remembered every thing that he lent, but nothing that he borrowed, that he had lost half his memory.