ture scene,

A FRIEND IN NEED.

An actor, who was performing Careless in the School for Scandal, saying to Charles, in the pic "What shall we do for a hammer?" A carpenter in the gallery, who had one in his apron-string, threw it on the stage, saying," Now, go on, my lad, there's a hammer for you."

USELESS ECONOMY.

AN AGREEMENT.

Colonel Chartres agreed to purchase the timber of a large estate in the north, from a young heir, and pay the whole money as soon as he had ent down the last tree, which agreement was accepted of. His labourers were immediately set to work, and they cut away with uncommon expedition till they came to the last tree, where they halted, and left it standing, as well as the purchase-money

MUTUAL PITY.

Tom ever jovial, ever gay,

A gentleman went to dine one day with an emi-unpaid, until the death of the colonel. nent physician, who was remarkable for his attachment to money. As soon as the doctor arrived, he went to his desk to deposit the fees he had received in the morning. "Pray," said his friend, "what are you about ?"-" I am laying up treasure in heaven," replied the doctor. "The more fool you," rejoined the inquirer," for you'll never go there to enjoy it."

AN ELEGANT COMPLIMENT.

Garrick once asked Rich, the manager of the theatre, how much he thought Covent-garden would hold. "I could tell you to a shilling,' replied the manager, "if you would play Richard in it."

THE AVARO.

Thus to the master of a house,

Which, like a church, would starve a mouse;
Which never guest had entertain❜d,

Nor meat, nor wine, its floors had stain'd;
I said "Well, sir, 'tis vastly neat ;

But where d' you drink, and where d' you eat?
If one may judge, by rooms so fine,

It costs you more in mops than wine."

INVITATION DECLINED.

To appetite a slave,

Still whores and drinks his life away,
And laughs to see me grave.

'Tis thus that we two disagree,

So diff'rent is our whim;
The fellow fondly laughs at me,
While I could cry for him.

DEAN SWIFT.

Dean Swift's barber one day told him that he had taken a public-house. "And what's your sign?" said the dean. "Oh, the pole and bason, and if your worship would just write me a few lines to put upon it, by way of motto, I have no doubt but it would draw me plenty of customers." The dean took out his pencil and wrote the following couplet.

"Rove not from pole to pole, but step in here, Where nought excels the shaving, but the beer."

ONE EVIL BETTER THAN TWO.

A merchant having sustained a considerable loss, A thief being about to be hanged, the ordinary desired his son not to mention it to any body. bade him be of good cheer," for this night," said The youth promised silence, but at the same time he, "thon shalt sup with the Lord in Paradise."requested to know what advantage could attend "I am much obliged to you," replied the other, it. "If you divulge this loss," said the father, but I had rather be excused, for I am no supperwe shall have two evils to support instead of man." onc-our own grief, and the joy of our neighbours."

66

BOUNDLESS AMBITION.
The late Hely Hutchinson was so ambitious
that the Marquis of Townshend said of him, "If
England and Ireland were given to him, he would
solicit the Isle of Man for a potatoe garden."
ON A HASTY MARRIAGE.

Marry'd! 'tis well! a mighty blessing!
But poor's the joy no coin possessing.
In ancient times, when folks did wed,
'Twas to be one at “board and bed;"
But hard his case, who can't afford
His charmer either bed or board.

ACCOMMODATION.

POVERTY.

Buckingham, was saying one day to a friend,“ I Villiers, the witty and extravagant Duke of am afraid I shall die a beggar at last, which is the most terrible thing in the world."-" Upon my word, my lord," said his friend, "there is another thing more terrible, which you have reason to apprehend, and that is, that you will live a beggar at the rate you go on."

THE DROPSICAL MAN.

A jolly, brave toper, who could not forbear, Though his life was in danger, old port and stale beer,

Gave the doctor the hearing-but still would

drink on,

During the French Revolution, a British admiral was one day told by a gentleman, "that he would find the French fight in a different way now, as they would fight for their liberties.""I'Till the dropsy had swell'd him as big as a ton ; ara glad to hear it," said the gallant officer," for The more he took physic, the worse still he grew, they have hitherto given us a d-d deal of trouble And tapping was now the last thing he could do. Affairs at this crisis, and doctors come down, running after them." He began to consider-so sent for his son. Tom, see by what courses I've shorten'd my life, I'm leaving the world ere I'm forty and five; More than probable 'tis, that in twenty-four hours, This manor, this house, and estate will be yours; My early excesses may teach you this truth, That 'tis working for death to drink hard in one's youth.

THE WICKEDNESS OF MAN. Malherbe, speaking of the wickedness of mankind, said, "Why when there were only three or four persons in the world, one of them killed his brother."

DULL COMPANY.

Some one saying to a gentleman who had been minister at several courts, what a happy man he must have been to have conversed with so many crowned heads. "Faith," replied he, " I never could find that out; they were the dullest company I ever kept."

VARIETY OF PIES.

Swift was once asked by a lady what he would bave for dinner?" Will you have an apple-pie, sir ?-will you have a gooseberry-pie, sir?—will you have a cherry-pie, sir ?—will you have a currant-pie, sir ?-will you have a plum-pie, sir? will you have a pigeon-pie, sir?"-" Any pie, madam," answered Swift," but a mag-pie.”

Says Tom (who's a lad of generous spirit,
And not like young rakes, who're in haste to in
herit)

Sir, don't be dishearten'd; although it be true,
The operation is painful, and hazardous too,
'Tis no more than what many a man has gone(
through.

And then, as for years, you may yet be called
young,

Your life after this may be happy and long.
Don't flatter me, Tom, was the father's reply,
With a jest in his mouth and a tear in his eye:
Too well, by experience, my vessels thou know'st,
No sooner are tapp'd, but they give up the ghost.

COMPLAINTS ON BOTH SIDES.

A lieutenant-colonel of one of the Irish regiments in the French service, being dispatched to the king, with a complaint relating to some irregularities that had happened in the regiment, his majesty told him, that the Irish troops gave him more uneasiness than all his forces besides. "Sir," said the officer, "all you majesty's enemies make the same complaint."

THE SAILOR'S STARS.

In 1740, Frederick of Prussia set out for SiA merchant-ship was so violently tossed in a It was proposed to adorn storm, that all despaired of safety, and betook lesia with 30,000 men. themselves to prayer, except one mariner, who his standard with the motto Pro Deo et Patria"For God and my Country." Frederick erased the name of God, observing, "That it was improper to introduce the name of the Deity in the quarrels of men, and that he was going to war for a Province and not for Religion."

was continually exclaiming, "Oh, that I could see two stars, or but one of the two!" At length a person asked him, "what two stars, or what one star he meant?" He replied, "Oh! that I could see the Star in Cheapside, or the Star in Coleman-street, I don't care which."

BATH REMEDIES.

Two ladies just returning from Bath, were telling a gentleman how they liked the place; the first had been ill, and found great benefit from the waters. "But, pray, what did you go for?" said he to the second. "Mere wantonness," replied she. "And pray, madam," said he, " did it cure you."

ON A BAD SINGER.

When screech-owls screech, their note portends
To foolish mortals death of friends;
But when Corvina strains her throat,
E'en screech-owls sicken at the note.

GARRICK'S SATIRE.

Garrick was on a visit at Hagley, when news came that a company of players were going to perform at Birmingham. Lord Lyttleton said to

ON A STATUE OF APOLLO CROWNING MERIT.. Garrick, "They will hear you are in the neigh

Merit, if thou'rt blest with riches,

For God's sake buy a pair of breeches,

And give them to thy naked brother,
For one good turn deserves another.

ENGLISH AND IRISH.

bourhood, and will ask you to write an address to the Birmingham audience."-" Suppose, then," said Garrick, without the least hesitaiton, begin thus

66

Ye sons of iron, copper, brass, and steel Who have not heads to think, nor hearts to feel-" An English gentleman asked Sir Richard Steele, O," cried his lordship, "if you begin thus, who was an Irishman, what was the reason that they will hiss the players off the stage, and pull his countrymen were so remarkable for blunder-the house down."-" My lord," said Garrick, ing?"Faith," said the knight," there is some-"what is the use of an address, if it does not thing in the air of Ireland; and, I dare say, if an come home to the business and bosoms of the auEnglishman was born there he would do the same." dience?"

A learned doctor being very busy in his study, a little girl came to ask him for some fire. of music in a warehouse, on returning to her carA young lady having purchased an assortment "But," says the doctor, "you have nothing to take it in."—As he was going to fetch something for that purpose, the little girl stooped down at the fire-place, and taking some cold ashes on one hand she put live embers on them with the other.

THE LAUGHING PHILOSOPHER.

tenance was not much more amiable than his own. One day, the servant, while dressing his master, offended him, and he exclaimed, “ What an ugly dog!" The fellow, who observed his master at the same time very attentive at his glass, said, "Which of us do you mean, sir?"

THE BITER BIT.

Mr. Curran one day enquiring his master's age from an horse-jockey's servant, he found it almost impossible to extract an answer. 66 Come, come, friend, has he not lost his teeth?"-"Do you think," retorted the fellow," that I know his age as he does his horses, by the mark of his mouth." The laugh was against Curran, but he instantly recovered-" You were very right not to try, friend; for you know your master's a great bite."

A HANGING JUDGE.

Counsellor Grady, on a trial in Ireland, said "he recollected to have heard of a relentless judge who was never known to have shed a tear but once, and that was during the representation of the Beggar's Opera, when Macheath got a reprieve." The same judge once asked Curran, at a dinner table, whether the dish near him was hung beef, because if it was he should try it; Curran replied, “If you try it, my lord, it is sure to be hung.'

IMPROMPTU

DEATH AND THE DOCTOR.

As Doctor

musing sat,

Death saw, and came without delay:
Enters the room, begins the chat,
With "Doctor, why so thoughtful, pray ?"

The doctor started from his place,
But soon they more familiar grew ;

And then he told his piteous case,
How trade was low, and friends were few.

66 Away with fear," the phantom said,
As soon as he had heard his tale;
"Take my advice, and mend your trade;
We both are losers if you fail.

"Go write; your wit in satire show,
No matter whether smart or true;
Call names, the greatest foe
To dullness, folly, pride, and you.

"Then copies spread, where lies the trick, Among your friends be sure you send 'em ;

For all who read will soon grow sick,
And when you're call'd upon attend 'em.

"Thus trade increasing by degrees,
Doctor, we both shall have our ends;
For you are sure to have your fees,
And I am sure to have your friends."

A FAULT IN CANDLES.

A gentleman ordering a box of candles, said he On Dr. Lettsom's manner of signing his pre- hoped they would be better than the last. scriptions," I. Lettsom."

When patients sad to me apply,

I physics, bleeds, and sweats 'em ;
If after all they choose to die,
What's that to me ?-I LETS'em,

A FEELING REPLY.

The

chandler said he was very sorry to hear them complained of. "Why," said the other," they are very well till about half burnt down, but after that they would burn no longer."

COMPANIONS IN EXIT.

Milton was asked by a friend, whether he would" I thought," said he, to a person in company, A gentleman hearing of the death of another, instruct his daughters in the different languages;" to which he replied, “No, sir, one tongue is suffi- | off ?”—“ O yes," replied the other, you told me that Tem Wilson's fever was gone cient for a woman." 33 "but I forgot to mention that he was gone off along with it.”