made, he ordered the carpenter to get into the rostrum, and make a speech, that he might observe how it could be heard. The fellow told Sir Richard that he knew not what to say, for he was no orator. "Oh," cried the knight, 66 no matter for that, speak any thing that comes uppermost."Why then, Sir Richard," said the fellow, here have we been working for you honour these six months, and cannot get one penny of money. Pray, sir, when do you design to pay us?"" Very well, very well," said Sir Richard, " down; I have heard quite enough; I cannot but own you speak very distinctly, though I don', much admire your subject." BRIBERY. A poor man once a judge besought, To judge aright his cause And with a pot of oil salutes This judger of the laws. pray come RETALIATION. In Charles the Second's days it was the custom, when a gentleman drank a lady's health, as a toast, by way of doing her honor, to throw some part of his dress into the fire, an example which his companions were bound to follow, by consuming the same article of their apparel, whatever it might be. One of his friends perceiving at a tavern dinner, that Sir Charles Sedley had on a very rich lace cravat, when he named his toast committed his cravat to the flames, and Sir Charles and the rest were obliged to do the same. poet bore his loss with great composure, observing it was a good joke, but that he would have as good a one some other time. He therefore watched his opportunity, when the same party was assembled on a subsequent occasion, and drinking off a bumper to the health of Nell Gwynne, he called the waiter, and ordering a The "My friend," quoth he," thy cause is good," tooth-drawer into the room, whom he had pre He, glad away did trudge; Anon, his wealthy foe did come, Before the partial judge. A hog, well fed, this churl presents, The bog receiv'd, the poor man's right Was judg'd not worth a straw. Therewith he cried, "O partial judge, Thy doom has me undone; When oil I gave, my cause was good, But now to ruin run,' "Poor man," quoth be, " I thee forgot," And see, thy cause of foil; A hog came since into my house, And broke thy pot of oil." A HIGH WIND. Charles Bannister, coming into a coffee-house one stormy night, said he never saw such a wind! "Saw a wind!" replied a friend, "what was it like?""Like," answered Charles, "like to have blown my hat off." viously brought to the tavern for the purpose, made him draw a decayed tooth which had long plagued him. The rules of good-fellowship, then in force, clearly required that every one of the company should have a tooth drawn also, but they naturally expressed a hope that Sedley would not be so unmerciful as to enforce the law. Deaf, however, to all their remonstrances, persuasions, and entreaties, he saw them one after another in the hand of the operator, and writhing with pain, while he exclaimed, " patience, gentlemen, patience; you know you promised that I should have my frolic too." THE CONSULTATION. Three doctors met in consultation, THE GIFT HORSE. A nobleman having presented King Charles II. with a fine horse, his majesty bid Killigrew, the jester, who was present, tell him what was its age; upon which Killigrew examined the animal's tail. "What are you doing?" said the king, "that is not the place to find out his age."-" Oh, sir," said Killigrew, 46 your majesty knows one should never look a gift horse in the mouth." SHEEP-STEALING, In a trial at the Old Bailey, for sheep-stealing, the prosecutor, a butcher, gave a long account of his tracing the sheep from place to place; that he first went to Acton, then to Ealing," and then, my lord," said he, "I went to Uxbridge, where I found the sheep, and then I went to handle 'em, and feel 'em, to judge of their identity."—" Han-! dle 'em and feel 'em!" exclaimed the judge, pray where are they? I thought I had known the county of Middlesex extremely well, but I confess I never heard of such places as Handle'em and Feel-'em before." THE ASTRONOMER'S ROOM, Item-A bed without a curtain A spitting-pot to catch what might hap; ; One corner held his books and chest, JOHN HORNE TOOKE ON THE LAW. "Law," said Mr. Tooke, " ought not to be a luxury for the rich, but a remedy to be easily, cheaply, and speedily obtained by the poor." A person once observing to him the excellence of the English laws being so impartial, that our courts of justice are open to all persons without distinction. "And so," said Tooke," is the London tavern to such as can afford to pay for their entertainment." DUKE OF CUMBERLAND AT DETTINGEN. Previous to the engagement at Dettingen, a private soldier procured the canteens of some of his comrades, on pretence of fetching water; but, he did not return till after the battle. A day or two afterwards, the Duke of Cumberland arrived at the camp, and the soldier's conduct being reported to him, he demanded why he had left the field, previous to the battle.-"What," said the maa, "Do you think I was such a fool as to stand there to be shot at ?-Why was not your highness there?"-" I," cried the duke, "I was on my march thither."-" I know you were," replied the fellow, "but you might have made a little more haste, if you had chosen it." PERSONALITIES. out as easy as possible." This done, the third This he did with less reluctance, being before apcried out, "Here, you rascal, take off my leg!" When Quin and Garrick performed at the same theatre, and in the same play, the night being very stormy, each ordered a chair. To the mortifica-prised that it was cork, and also conceived that tion of Quin, Mr. Garrick's chair came up first, it would be his last job. He was, however, mistaken. The fourth watched his opportunity, and "Let me get into the chair," cried the surly veteran, let me get into the chair, and put little while the waiter was surveying the eye, teeth, -Davy into the lan horn."-" By all means," said and leg, lying on the table, cried out, in a hollow voice, Come here, sir, take off my head!", Garrick; “I shall ever be happy to give Mr. Turning round, and seeing the man's head shaking Quin light in any thing." like that of a mandarine upon a chimney-piece, he darted out of the room, and after tumbling headlong down-stairs, he ran about the house, swearing that the gentlemen above-stairs were certainly all devils. BODILY INFIRMITIES. Theo. Cibber, in company with three other bon vivants, one day made an excursion. Theo, had a false set of teeth; a second, a glass eye; a third, a cork leg; but the fourth had nothing particular, except a remarkable way of shaking his head. They travelled in a post-coach; and while at the first stage, after each had made merry with his neighbour's infirmity, they agreed that at every baiting-place they would all affect the same singularity. When they came to breakfast, they were all to squint? and as the countrymen stood gaping round when they first alighted," Od rot it," cried one," how that man squints !"-" Why, dom thee," said a second, "here be another squinting fellow!" The third was thought to be a better squinter than the other two, and the fourth better than all the rest. At dinner, they appeared to have cork legs, and their stumping about made more diversion than they had done at breakfast. At tea they were all deaf; but at supper each man re-assumed his character, the better to play his part in a farce they had concerted. When they were ready to go to bed, Cibber called out to the waiter, "Here, you fellow, take out my teeth."-" Teeth, sir!" said the man. Ay, teeth, sir. Unscrew that wire, and they'll all come out together." After some hesitation, the man did as he was ordered. This was no sooner performed than a second called out," Here, man, fake out my eye!"" Lord, sir," said the waiter, your eye!"-"Yes, my eye. Come here, you stupid dog; pull up that eye-lid, and it will come THE OLD CHEESE. Young Slonch the farmer had a jolly wife, He said, "That the next Tuesday noon would Whether he were the lord at home or no; "I'll grant your wish," cries she,“ that you may see 'Twere wisdom to be govern'd still by me." The guests upon the day appointed came, Each blowsy farmer with his simpering dame. "Ho! Sue!" cries Slouch," why dost not thou appear! Are these thy manners when aunt Snap is here ?" "I pardon ask," says Sue, "I'd not offend Aty my dear invites, much less his friend." Slouch by his kinsman Gruffy had been taught To entertain his friends with finding fault, Aud make the main ingredient of his treat His saying, “there was nothing fit to eat : The boil'd pork stinks, the beef's not roast enough, The bacon's rusty, and the hens are tough; The veal's all rags, the butter's turn'd to oil; And thus I buy good meat for sluts to spoil. "Tis we are the first Slouches ever sate Down to a pudding without plumbs or fat. What teeth or stomach's strong enough to feed Upon a goose my grannem kept to breed? Why must old pigcons, and they stale, be drest, When there's so many squab ones in the rest? This beer is sour, 'tis musty, thick, and stale, And worse than any thing except the ale." Sue all this while many excuses made: I'm sure 'tis hard enough to make a bowl; "I'll swear, "I think I've din'd as well as my Lord-Mayor." CELEBRITY AND NOTORIETY. Tompion, the most celebrated watch-maker of his day, was accosted, in Moorfields, by a brother of the trade, who, after the usual salutations and inquiries about business, said, "I believe, Mr. Tompion, you and I are the two most distinguished men of our profession in existence."-" Indeed,” exclaimed Tompion, who knew nothing of the individual's abilities. "Yes," was the reply, "you are, of all watchmakers, the best, and I am the worst." DR. MONSEY AND HIS BANK-NOTES. Dr. Monsey, a celebrated physician, was always strangely infatuated with a fear of the public funds, and was frequently anxious, in his absence from his apartments, for a place of safety in which to deposit his cash and notes. Going on a journey, during the hot weather in July, he cho the fire-place of his sitting-room for his treasury, and placed bank-notes and cash to a considerable amount in one corner, under the cinders and shavings. On his return, after a month's absence, he found his housekeeper preparing to treat some friends with a cup of tea; and, by way of shewing respect to her guests, the parlour fire-place was chosen to make the kettle boil; the fire had not long been lighted, when her master arrived. When the doctor entered the room the company had scarcely begun tea. He ran across the room like a madman, saying," Hang it, yon have ruined me for ever: you have burned all my banknotes!"- First went the contents of the slopbason, then the tea-pot; then he rushed to the 66 ECONOMY. Frank, who will any friend supply, SUMMARY JUSTICE. pump in the kitchen, and brought a pail of water, said the doctor, "take the remainder of your which he threw partly over the fire and partly notes, for neither fire nor water will consume over the company, who, in the utmost consterna-them!" tion, got out of his way as speedily as possible. His housekeeper cried out," For God's sake, sir, forbear, you will spoil the steel stove and fire. irons."Dn the irons," replied the doctor, "you have ruined me, you have burned my banknotes."-" Lord, sir," said the half-drowned woman, "who'd think of putting bank-notes in a Bath stove, where the fire is ready laid?"— And," resumed he, "who'd think of making a fire in the summer time, where there has not been one for these several months?" He then pulled A French nobleman, who had been satirised by out the coals and cinders, and at one corner found Voltaire, meeting the poet soon after, gave him a the remains of his bank-notes, and one quarter hearty drubbing. The poet immediately flew to of them entire, so as to be legible. Next day, the Duke of Orleans, told him how he had been Dr. Monsey went to Lord Godolphin's, the high-used, and begged he would do him justice. treasurer, and told him the story. His lordship Sir," replied the duke, with a significant smile, said, that he would go with him to the Bank the" it has been done you already.” next day, and get the cash for him through his influence. He accordingly ordered his carriage, and agreed to meet the doctor at the room in the A silly country squire asked a merry-andrew Bank, where some of the directors daily attend. why he played the fool? "For the same reason The doctor being obliged to go to the Horse-that you do," answered he; "for want-you for guards, on business, took water at Whitehall for want of wit, and I for want of money.' the Bank. In going down the river, he pulled out his pocket-book, to see if the remains of his notes were safe; when a sudden puff of wind blew them out of his pocket-book into the river. "Put back, you scoundrel," said the doctor, "my bank-notes are overboard!" ་ A FOOL'S WIT. BEAR AND STAKE. Mr. Wilkes going to Dolly's Chop-house in Paternoster-row, with a friend, accidentally seated himself near a rich and purse-prond citizen, who almost stunned him with roaring for his steak, as he called it. Mr. Wilkes, in the mean time, asking him some common question, received a very brutal answer; the steak coming at that instant, Mr. Wilkes turned to his friend, saying, "See the difference between the City and the Bear-garden; in the latter the bear is brought to the stake, but here the steak is brought to the bear." POT VALOUR. He was instantly obeyed, and the doctor took his hat and dipped it into the river, inclosing the notes and a hat full of water. In this state he put it under his arm, and desired to be set on shore immediately. On landing, he walked to the Bank, and was shewn into the room where Lord Godolphin had just before arrived. "What have you under your arm?" said Lord Godolphin ; "the damned notes," replied the doctor, throwing bis hat, with the contents, on the table, with such a force as to scatter the water into the faces Who in his cups will only fight, is ike of all who were standing near it. "There," The clock that must be oil'd well, ere it strike. |