134

NORTH TIGER-SHOOTING.

Act be held in operation against him, and may he never be naturaleezed!

Tickler. What, would you be afraid of a tiger, James?

Shepherd. Would I be afraid o' a teegger, Timothy? No half as afeard as you wad be yoursel. Faith, I wadna grudge geein a jug o' toddy to see ane play spang upon you frae a distance o' twenty yards, and wi' a single pat o' his paw on that pow o' yours, that ye haud so heigh, fracture your skull, dislocate your neck, crack your spine, and gar ye play tapsalteerie1 ower a precipice into a jungle where the teegger had his bloody den.

Tickler. Would you give no assistance-lend no helping hand, James?

Shepherd. Ou ay, me and some mair wad come to the place, in a week or twa, when we were sure the teegger had changed his feedin grun', and wad collec the banes for Christian burial. But wad you be afraid o' teeggers, Timothy?

North. I once did a very foolish thing in the East Indies to a tiger. I was out shooting snipes, when the biggest and brightest royal tiger I have ever faced before or since, rose up with a roar like thunder, eying me with fiery eyes, and tusks half a foot long, and a tail terrific to dwell upon, either in memory or imagination.

Shepherd. I didna ken there had been snipes in the East Indies?

North. Yes, and sepoys likewise. The tiger seemed, after the first blush of the business, to be somewhat disconcerted at the unexpected presence of the future Editor of Blackwood's Magazine; and, in a much more temperate growl, requested a parley. I hit him right in the left eye, with number 7, and the distance being little more than five paces, it acted like ball, and must have touched the brain-for never surely did royal tiger demean himself with less dignity or discretion. He threw about twenty somersets, one after the other, without intermission, just as you have seen a tumbler upon a springboard. I thought I should have died with laughing. Meanwhile I reloaded my barrel-and a wild peacock starting from cover, I could not resist the temptation, but gave away a chance against the tiger, by firing both barrels successfully against the Bird of Juno.

1 Tapsalteerie-heels-over-head.

CRUELTY TO ANIMALS.

135

Shepherd. I've heard you tell that story a thousan' times, Mr North; but ye'll pardon me for sayin noo, what I only look'd before, that it's a downright lee, without ae word o' truth in't, no even o' exaggeration. You never killed a teegger wi' snipe-shot.

North. Never, James-but I rendered him an idiot or a madman for the rest of his life. But what do you think, James, about legislating for brute animals?

Shepherd. That's out o' the range o' my abeelities. I ken naething about legislation. But I do ken something about humanity-and cruelty to the dumb creation is practical blasphemy, and will not go unpunished. Perhaps, now that you ax me, it's better to teach it down, and fleech' it down, and preach it down, than fine it down, or imprison it down-and ae Chalmers is worth a thousan' Martins.

Tickler. Habits of cruelty terminate almost of necessity in atrocious crimes. The carter who brutally flogs his horse will beat his wife.

Shepherd. What can ye say to a very puir blackguard, not worth ten shillings, who has coft3 the leevin skeleton o' a horse for half-a-crown, that he may get a week's wear and tear out o't? He maun thump it, or it winna gang. The chiel may be sellin saut or bread, or some ither lawful eatables, and tryin to mainteen a family. It's a sair sicht to behold the raw and bloody skeleton,—but what can ye do? Is your conscience perfectly secure, when you tak the ragged deevil afore a magistrate, and fine him out o' his starvin wife's and weans' support? Mind that I'm no arguin-I'm only askin a question-nor do I want ony answer. But when you see a weel-fed hulkin fallow, savage, for nae reason at a', against the beast intrusted to him, knock him doun wi' a stick or a stane aff the causeway-and if you fractur his skull, and he binna married, you've performed a good action, and by takin the law into your ain hand, done the state some service.

North. Much evil is done the cause of humanity by indiscriminate and illogical abuse of pursuits or recreations totally

1 Fleech-beseech.

2 On the 5th of March 1826, a sermon on cruelty to animals was preached in Edinburgh by Dr Chalmers. For Martin, see ante, p. 31, note 2.

3 Coft-bought. Germ. gekauft.

dissimilar. I doubt if any person can be really humane in heart, unless really sound in head. You hear people talk of angling as cruel.

Shepherd. Fools-fools-waur than fools. It's a maist innocent, poetical, moral, and religious amusement. Gin I saw a fisher gruppin creelfu' after creelfu' o' trouts, and then flingin them a' awa among the heather and the brackens on his way hame, I micht begin to suspec that the idiot was by nature rather a savage. But, as for me, I send presents to my freen's, and devour dizzens on dizzens every week in the family-maistly dune in the pan, wi' plenty o' fresh-butter and roun' meal-sae that prevents the possibility o' cruelty in my fishin, and in the fishin o' a' reasonable creatures.

North. It seems fox-hunting, too, is cruel.

Shepherd. To wham? Is't cruel to dowgs, to feed fifty or sixty o' them on crackers and ither sorts o' food, in a kennel like a Christian house, wi' a clear burn flowin through't, and to gie them twice a-week, or aftner, during the season, a brattlin rin o' thretty miles after a fox? Is that cruelty to dowgs? North. But the fox, James?

Shepherd. We'll come to the fox by-and-by. Is't cruel to horses, to buy a hundred o' them for ae Hunt, rarely for less than a hundred pounds each, and aften for five hundred, to feed them on five or sax feeds o' corn per diem-and to gie them skins as sleek as satin-and to gar them nicher1 wi' fu'ness o' bluid, sae that every vein in their bodies starts like sinnies—and to gallop them like deevils in a hurricane, up hill and doun brae, and loup or soom canals and rivers, and flee ower hedges, and dikes, and palings, like birds, and drive crashin through woods like elephants or rhinocerosesa' the while every coorser flingin fire-flaughts frae his een, and whitening the sweat o' speed wi' the foam o' fury,-I say, ca' you that cruelty to horses, when the Hunt charge with all their chivalry, and plain, mountain, or forest, are shook by the quadrupedal thunder?

North. But the fox, James?

Shepherd. We'll come to the fox by-and-by. Is't cruel to men to inspirit wi' a rampagin happiness fivescore o' the flower o' England or Scotland's youth, a' wi' caps and red coats, and whups in their hauns-a troop o' lauchin, tearin, 1 Nicher-neigh. 3 Flaughts-flakes.

2 Sinnies-sinews.

tallyhoin, "wild and wayward humourists," as the Doctor ca'd them the tither Sunday?

North. I like the expression, James.

Shepherd. So do I-or I would not have quoted it. But it's just as applicable to a set o' outrageous ministers, eatin and drinkin, and guffawin, at a Presbytery denner.

North. But the fox, James?

Shepherd. We'll come to the fox by-and-by. Is't cruel to the lambs, and leverets, and geese, and turkeys, and dyucks, and patricks, and wee birds, and ither animal eatables, to kill the fox that devoors them, and keeps them in perpetual het water?

North. But the fox, James?

Shepherd. Deevil take baith you and the fox-I said that we would come to the fox by-and-by. Weel, then, wha kens that the fox isna away snorin happy afore the houn's? I hae nae doubt he is, for a fox is no sae complete a coward as to think huntin cruel, and his haill nature is then on the alert, which in itsel is happiness. Huntin him prevents him fa'in into languor and ennui, and growin ower fat on how-towdies.1 He's no killed every time he's hunted.

North. Why, James, you might write for the Annals of Sporting.

Shepherd. So I do sometimes-and mair o' ye than me, I jalouse; but I was gaun to ask ye, if ye could imagine the delicht o' a fox gettin into an undiggable earth, just when the leadin houn' was at his hainches ? Ae sic moment is aneuch to repay half-an-hour's draggle through the dirt, and he can lick himsel clean at his leisure, far ben in the cranny o' the rock, and come out a' tosh and tidy by the first dawn o' licht, to snuff the mornin air, and visit the distant farmhouse before Partlet has left her perch, or Count Crow lifted his head from beneath his oxter2 on his shed-seraglio.

North. Was ye ever in at a death ?—Is not that cruel ? Shepherd. Do you mean in at the death o' ae fox, or the death o' a hundred thousand men and sixty thousand horses? The takin o' á Brush, or a Borodino ?

As

North. My dear James, thank ye for your argument. one Chalmers is worth a thousand Martins, so is one Hogg worth a thousand Chalmerses.

1 How-towdies-barn-door fowls. 2 Oxter-properly arm-pit: here 'wing.'

138

MINISTERS AS ANGLERS.

Shepherd. Ane may weel lose patience, to think o' fules being sorry for the death o' a fox. When the jowlers tear him to pieces, he shows fecht, and gangs aff in a snarl. Hoo could he dee mair easier?-and for a' the gude he has ever dune, or was likely to do, he surely had leeved lang aneuch.

Tickler. No man who can ride, and afford to keep a hunter or two, ever abused fox-hunting. The English clergy are partial to it, and sometimes partake of the pastime. Our Scottish ministers are too poor, and consequently content themselves with shooting or angling-especially the latter.

Shepherd. And the unfairest o' a' fishers that ever flogged water! Rather than that you should fish a fine pool, when they are afraid you'll gang by them, gin they taigle1 at it themsels, ministers 'll no scruple to fling in turf torn frae the bank, to mak the water ower drumlie for the flee! Isna that mean and greedy? But ministers aye fish for the pat, and the gutsy weans.

Tickler. I know one minister, James, over in the kingdom of Fife, who would give the devil himself fair play at a match of angling; and that, considering his cloth and calling, glorifies his character as a sportsman.'

Shepherd. I ken wha you mean. Gin a' ministers were like him, Satan wad never daur to show his face in Scotland, frae ae end o' the week to the ither. For he canna stand integrity and the bauld face o't, but rins aff wi' his tail atween his legs, and never keeks ower his shouther till he has got back to the mouth o' his kennel, and gets the imps to rub him wi' sulphur; for the Deevil or Dog o' Hawdes has aye the distemper.

Tickler. The idiots, too, tell you that pugilism is the worst of all cruelty. Tom Crib's health, if you please, Shepherd. Shepherd. I haena the least objection. I'm no a fechtin man, and ken naething about pugilism. But twa stout young fallows daudin ane anither about for an hour wi' their neives, is no at a' like a dizzen deevils o' bill-dowgs in succession, tearin the nose, and lips, and tongue o' a bill. The man that says that the boxing's the warst o' the twa, is just a damned

1 Taigle-linger.

The Rev. Thomas Gillespie, minister of Cults; afterwards Professor of Humanity (Latin) in the University of St Andrews. He died in 1844. 3 The ex-champion of the prize-ring.