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more gout in the cruet of fiery sherry, wherewith he was wont to wash down his shilling's-worth of beef at the S. U. S. Club, than in reiterated magnums of the aforesaid dow's' elemosynary claret.

Four hundred ladies honoured our fête with their presence; of these we thus contrived, at starting, to offend about two hundred and fifty, without including in that number the extra-unreasonable damsels who considered themselves aggrieved in not having, what the orange-women term," the pick of the basket."

Our chief misfortunes, however, arose from the limited size of the ball room. I call it limited, comparatively speaking, for it was a noble saloon, capable of containing six hundred guests, but nothing less circumscribed than eternity could have accommodated a tithe of the applicants who apparently demanded tickets as a right.

Most of them certainly had the consideration to state in general terms that they were aware of the difficulties under which we laboured, but they uniformly concluded by professing their firm conviction that in their individual cases we should see the propriety of supplying them with as many cards as they and their friends might require.

Agonizing as it was to our feelings, we were obliged to draw a line somewhere, and it was next to impossible to do so, without grazing the amour propre of some irritable K.C.B., or pugnacious Irishman, who, for months afterwards would devote his energies to the creating of an eligible opportunity for fixing a quarrel on some one of our devoted heads. The less claim people had, the more they bothered us. At the first issue, we did not send invitations to the clergymen of the place, imagining that they would deem a fancy ball a recreation too worldly for persons of their sacred character; we were instantly assailed by vollies of reclamations from them, their wives, and daughters, who assured us that a slight sprinkling of canonicals would give an air of dignity to the grouping of the fête. As soon as we had supplied the church with the requisite number of cards, the medical profession remonstrated at our neglect-- selfish motives induced us to pacify them for the committee, to a man, were invalids. The attorneys, incited by the success of the sister professions, followed in their wake-in short, I verily believe that we should ultimately have been forced to admit the impropriety of lowering the pot-boy of the King's Arms in the estimation of his townsmen, by excluding him (for that was the plea on which all these unreasonable demands were based, nobody being civil enough to confess, that they wished to be invited for the sake of the ball itself), had we not opposed to these varied attacks, a sort of Fabian policy, by which means the day of the ball arrived before half the pros and cons respecting dubious invitations could be discussed.

Every pretty girl who knew that we could not do without her, vowed.

that she would not come unless all her cousins, male and female, were invited also; our president was profuse in a sort of underhand issue of tickets to the dinner-giving world; some people who could not attend themselves, begged to be allowed to transfer their invites to others, names unknown," who would do us that honour, and a good many, less conscientious, effected the transfer without saying a word about the matter.

66

For a fortnight before the accursed ball, I neither ate, drank, nor slept comfortably, and on the day on which it was to come off, I arose from my restless couch, under the comfortable conviction, that after thus wasting my time, temper, and money, in the public service, I might feel tolerably certain that the number of enemies whom I had created by my praiseworthy endeavours would render my future residence at the Spa an injudicious measure.

Whole families of frightful girls grinned at me as I passed along the High-street; I dared not send a prescription to be made up by the disappointed druggist's apprentice, who had set his heart on appearing on the occasion in the character of Esculapius. Even Lady Theodosia Beaumarchais, my former patroness, in whose service I had swallowed toads by wholesale, and on whom I relied for an introduction into the circles of the metropolis, bowed stiffly to me from her pony chaise, because I had failed, a few hours before the ball began, in collecting together the committee, and convincing them of the propriety of supplying her with three tickets for her apothecary's nieces, in addition to the five and twenty which she had already received, and which she afterwards avowed, she had distributed amongst her servant's relations and friends.

I admit that the ball itself was good fun enough. Pretty women enhanced their beauty, and ugly ones rendered their ugliness more intense by the novelty of their costumes; the fat were Sultanas, the swarthy Rebeccas, the fair Rowenas, the dwarfish Fenellas, whilst those who had good ancles abbreviated their petticoats as much as decency would permit, and dubbed themselves Sylphides and Tyroliennes. As everybody in these peaceful days, who has the slightest claim to respectability, possesses a uniform of some sort, I cannot say anything more in favour of the infatuated males who disfigured themselves with false calves, curls and paint, as Massaronies, Brigands, Greeks, and Bull-fighters, that they added much to the amusement of the evening.

For the first hour all attempts at dancing were frustrated by the crowded state of the room, but at midnight the band struck up "the Roast Beef of Old England," announcing supper; then came the rush to the supper-table, the scramble for pleasant partners and places, the carving of turkies, the popping of Champagne corks, and the slicing of pine-apples.

It is wonderful how sentimental one gets when replete with the generous juice of the grape [or gooseberry]; one enters so earnestly into one's partner's domestic grievances [watering-place young ladies rarely have happy homes, according to their own accounts]; one talks of one's loves past, present, and to come; and one very nearly commits oneself to a charming creature with a Greek cap and pigtails down to her heels. When the president opportunely rises and announces,

"Her Majesty's Health."

The loyal clamour, inseparable from such a toast, affords one an opportunity for breaking off a point or two, as they say at Cowes, and one requests the honour of one's partner's hand for the next dance instead of for life. She accepts the engagement with a reproachful glance, and after having pilotted her over benches, and through legions of empty bottles and intoxicated waiters, one finds oneself in a few seconds whirling round like a politician,-to the "Cracovienne."

More quadrilles, more waltzes, more galops ensue; danseuses become fatigued, and propose sitting down for just one dance (insidious request); chaperons get restive and absolutely refuse to stop any longer; the ball thins; daylight glimmers through the windows; a chair is placed in the centre of the room and the cotillon commences.

Now the waltzers can indulge in their favourite dance with freedom, the floor is smooth as glass, the ever varying figures succeed each other rapidly; women profit by the saltatory saturnalia to secure their favourite partners, groggy dancers tumble down; replete old gentlemen, inspired by Champagne, riotously insist on taking just one turn; nobody will be the first to give in; the musicians astound the company by their wind, speed, and bottom, and when at last, the pace has nearly killed every body, the gallant survivors waltz off to wind up with a souper dejeunatoire. After this, the ladies are carefully packed up in a cloak-room, and bundled into their flies; whilst the gentlemen settle down to porter and oysters by way of a finish.

Such was our ball. One or two rather disagreeable circumstances occurred during the latter part of the evening, but were fortunately unattended by serious results.

An agitated chaperon applied to me in a great state of excitement, affirming that the lancers (a very gentlemanlike body of young men, who had behaved in the most liberal manner, lending us their bands and cook, besides subscribing handsomely), had so far forgotten themselves as to get tipsy and pinch. She insisted that I should instantly turn out the chief offender, one Cornet M'Turk, an officer in the vigour of youth, whose pugnacious, as well as amorous propensities, had been visibly developed by the galaxy of beauty, and intoxicating refreshments of the supper-table. I contrived to evade the perilous task with legal acumen, arguing that as none of the alleged offenders

had been so abandoned as to insult her, the complainant, and as her witnesses declined coming forward to substantiate the fact, there was not evidence before the court sufficient to warrant my adopting such an extreme measure, even had I been disposed to do so, which I confess I was not; inasmuch as the vinous warriors apparently stood as high as ever in the good graces of the ladies; those that were too drunk to dance, reclining in soft dalliance on ottomans and behind doors with the fairest flowers of the Spa,

Two or three pseudo Highlanders, not quite up to the management of the kilt, caused some confusion by their unskilful method of seating themselves, but beyond a few "contretemps" of this sort, nothing happened to cloud the success of the entertainment.

The next day the fashionable world arose, late, wearied, and in bad humour. The ball was discussed, the supper pronounced to have been bad, the champagne, gooseberry wine, the room ill lighted, the galops too fast, the waltzes in bad time, the crowd oppressive, the company mixed, and the conduct of the lancers abominable.

The ball given by the 20th Hussars the year before, was unanimously asserted to have been a very superior affair indeed. Settling day arrived. The Spa tradesmen vied with one another in defrauding the committee, and having done so to their hearts' content, loudly complained that we were a shabby set, and had cheated them.

Several of our subscribers, probably conceiving that they had done enough in supporting us by their names and presence, hurried off to spend the Christmas week at their homes in remote counties, forgetting to leave their money or addresses behind them.

The result of this profuse expenditure of time, money, and repose, I conceive to have been as follows:

The president has lost at a moderate computation six dinners a month, having mortally offended three Hebrew families, renowned in the gastronomic circles, who felt convinced that the ball had been given on the eve of the circumcision, or of some other equally important Jewish festival, in order to exclude them.

Two members of the committee got called out for spelling Sir Plantagenet Fytz-jyggyr's name with more g's and fewer y's than he approved of. As they both showed the white feather, the consequences were merely disagreeable,-not murderous.

I myself lost my temper, and damaged a couple of fingers in a rencontre with the lieutenant of the coastguard, who permitted himself to use some very gross expressions concerning my supposed partiality in excluding him, whilst I had invited the recruiting officer of the district. He refused in the most insolent manner to retract or apologize, although I produced in justification of my conduct, the county paper, which contained a circumstantial account of his having

been bitten by a mad Newfoundland dog belonging to a smuggler, a short time before we issued our cards, and of his having expired two days afterwards in extreme agony, notwithstanding the repeated use of the Ormskirk specific.

Several of the best dressed young men at the ball, quite the ornaments of the room in their own estimation, are at present awaiting in the county gaol the tardy assistance of the insolvent act, to relieve them from liabilities incurred in procuring their adornments from a tasteful, but expensive tailor at the Spa.

A few young ladies, who shall be nameless, have sunk in public estimation, by too submissively enduring the Bacchic endearments of Cornet Mac Turk, and his brother officers, rather than risk a fracas by unwelcome resistance.

A good deal of ill feeling has been excited against us in some families who had gone to great expense in bedecking their daughters for the occasion, hoping thereby to bring to a favourable crisis, the flirtations of the season. They are not satisfied with the reflection that the girls looked well, and enjoyed the ball; and being unable to vent their anger on the unproposing bachelors, who are since dispersed over the face of the earth in search of fresh game, they expend it on us miserable committee men, whose only real fault lay in undertaking the affair, which we certainly conducted "not wisely, but too well" as far as our own purses and persons were concerned; and most unsatisfactorily to all the visitors, idlers, loungers, and water-drinkers, who witnessed, but aided not, our endeavours to make our village retreat vie with the first and most fashionable watering places. VASLYN.

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THE CRESCENT, BUXTON SPA, DERBYSHIRE.

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