steps of the machine; so that whilst I was just dipping in first one great toe, and then another-all at once in I flew-souse! This disagreeable surprise quite upset my small equanimity, and sent what little presence of mind I possessed clear out to sea. I totally forgot that I was yet within my depth; and as the water was above my head, it did not for one moment occur to me that I might put my head above the water! But there I floundered, experiencing all the horrors usually attendant upon drowning; and, ridiculous as it may seem, drowned I should certainly have been, had not the author of my misery come to my help, and dragged me breathless and half choked with gallons of salt water, into the machine. Since that day, I have never bathed but in a warm bath,—I have not drank a draught of water,-nor voluntarily tasted one small grain of salt. The reader will, no doubt, and naturally, expect in these my "water scenes," some "true and particular account of all my adventures on the "deep, deep sea." The Sea! The Sea! The life for me, Shall savour nought of sadness. He who will ride The ocean tide Shall breathe the breath of gladness! Come-cast away The bonds of care which bound us; Whilst sparks of light Are bursting, bright, On the wavy world around us. These poetical people will be the death of me. Hear them sing their "Poeans" to the "glorious sea ;" and then, see them rolling, roaring, heaving and hoh! ing on it. They would give their right ears for the moon to rain down saw-dust on their favourite theme, and soak it up for ever and aye. For my own part, I have always found much fun at sea. Well-fed, well-drinked, well-clothed, and nothing to pay.No one, who has not had a two months spell on board a ship, can tell the extreme pleasure of passing so long a time without putting your hand into your pocket. Five meals a-day-champagne thrice a week-other wines plenty-and the cream of every thing, except the cream of milk. Ship's cows are not quite up to the "Smithfield show" mark. Here's a specimen; and if it were possible to colour this pictorial anatomythe tint would be a most decided However there is, on the whole, too much monotony for me, and too little sporting interest for my readers in "sea scenes"-to dwell upon them any longer And, as for a shipwreck, with its roaring of hurricanes and crashing of timbers, I have never (thank heaven!) seen one, although off the Virginia Capes, I once escaped by a day, and so somewhat resembled the old Dutchman's wife, who was very near being very ill-" Ah! mine goot napor Hans! how's t'goot vrow dits mornin'?"-" Oh! 'ndeet, naper-shees peen a'most fery pad-she fery nearly had a shild last night!"-"Got pless me, naper!-how near"-" Why 'ndeet, naper next door put two had twins!" These are tea-total times, and there are many now-a-days who think great things of their "water-privileges," as the millers would say. For my own part, so little watery am 1, that I, in some measure participate in the feelings of the cobbler, who was brought before the Bow Street magistrate a few days ago, and after having paid the usual penalty of five shillings for the rent of a street kennel at two o'clock in the morning, was addressed by the presiding "beak" with, "and now my good man, go home to your poor neglected wife and family, and keep henceforth to water." "Thank your honour," replied the sobered heeler of soles. Then turning up his eyes, he ejaculated,"God bless the dear wife and childer!-but d-n the water!" How a water drinker can find it in his heart or head to say a good thing I do not know; but I must allow that that tea totaller was worthy to have been a wine-bibber, of whom the story is told, that having found a drunken man lying in the street beside a gin palace door, in the little hours of the morning-he knocked up the proprietor with the apostrophe-" Heyday! neighbour! Your sign has fallen down!" Of my own knowledge, I never knew but one instance of water working good, and that was with an old sporting friend of my father's, whose tales" were won't to set the table in a roar ;" and who being a martyr to the gout, was wont to sit at the dinner table, with his leg in a pail of water, to ease the pain. On the great rivers of America, many and curious are the water scenes which pass before the traveller's eyes. A Mr. Chapman has a FLOATING THEATRE on the Mississippi, in which he travels up and down that stream and the Ohio, despite of snags and sawyers; and enacts tragedy, song, comedy, and farce, upon the rushing tide,to the infinite delight and edification of "the screamers" of the Far West. Another scene of frequent occurrence upon the Ohio, is the passage of some New England family down the river on a raft, in search of" fresh fields and pastures new." I saw one of these rafts, of about eighty feet in length, with a small house erected on it, and on each side a stack of hay, at which several horses and cows were feeding, whilst the paraphernalia of the farm yard, the ploughs, the waggons, pigs, and poultry, gave the whole establishment more the appearance of a permanent residence than of a caravan of adventurers seeking a home. A respectable-looking old lady, with spectacles on her nose, was seated on a chair at the door of the cabin, employed in sewing; another female was at the wash tub; the men were chewing their tobacco with as much complacency as if they had been in the land of steady habits; and the various avocations seemed to go on with the steadiness of clockwork. Thus Jonathan's establishment "went with the tide," until he floated to the point proposed, without leaving his own fireside; and having arrived there, doubtless he would land his household, and commence business with as little ceremony as the grave personage who, having married a rich widow, said that "he had nothing more to do than to walk in and hang up his hat." "Pray Papa," said a little boy one day to his "anti-sporting" parent," Pray, papa, what is the difference between horse-racing and boat-racing?" "Why, my dear," was the reply, "the only difference I know of is, that one is worrying poor dumb beasts, and the other, worrying oneself." What would the Oxford and Cambridge crews say to such a definition of their struggles? Wondrous, indeed, was the assemblage gathered together in the afternoon of the 14th of April, to witness the contest of Cam and Isis, for the disputed superiority of rowing fame. Oxford was anxious to wrest at least one laurel from the brows of Cambridge; whilst the latter, so frequently before victorious, determined to uphold the fame they had acquired, spotless. As the appointed hour drew near-crowds of boats on the river-of carriages, horses, and pedestrians on the shores, and of spectators of all classes on the bridge, gave evidence of the moving interest excited by the match. Let's step on board a steamer. "Halloh, Jones!" roars out a fat man to his friend on board. "You here! well, I didn't now as you wos a Hengineer!" "A Hengineer!—why, an' no more I 'aint." “Oh, well! I thought you wos, as you'd come here to see the waterworks! Hoh! Hoh!" "Hilloh! dont!" screams out an amateur in a cockle-shell—“ You werry nairly swamped my funny." "Sarved you right!" roared out the fat man over the side—“ you'd no business alongside of the steamer, you hadn't.”— "And why not, you mister?" "Becos the swell's always behind. Hoh! Hoh!" "Hold your jaw, do-you-and next time, 'afore you comes out, tell yer mother to tie 'ugly' up, will yer. -if you don't get out of my way-I'll don't!" Now then, Mister Bargee, run you down! See if I "Well, if you do, it'll be werryfunny! Hoh! hoh.” "Ah! there's a nice boat-how she cuts along. That looks like business." "That's the Leander." "The Leander! wot a queer name." "Not at all. Look at the crew. Don't ye see that it's a He-row a pulling the Leander about. "Yes, but they travel at such a pace, that they don't seem to be going to abide us.” "Here's somebody punning! Look after your pockets." As my friend, the Editor of the N. S. M. will, no doubt, furnish his readers with a full, true, and particularly historical account of this event, I shall stop to "describe the omnibus of it," (as I heard a national school-boy express himself a day or two ago), but at the firing of the signal, I shall get my steam up, and go straight a-head. At seven minutes past six o'clock (I like to be punctual)-a pistol shot was heard; and never before did I see so great an effect produced by so small a cause-" They're off;" shouted a general chorus, and in a moment 66 one and all, great and small," tucked up their loins, and set to work-" Pull away," roared the big men in the little boats. "Go on," screeched the small boys in the big boats; and steamers-eight-oars-ran-dans-wherries, and funnies, all hurried and scurried along in admirable confusion. The racing crews, meantime, were working their hardest; and it was very funny to see the people running and tearing, not only along the banks, but also along the barges in the middle of the river, until their course was abruptly terminated by the barge-end. Some of the steamers soon began to tail off. The captains, unable to manage their live lumber, the passengers, who all rushed to the bow, and made the boats ride" by the head," were half frantic. At Battersea, however, one captain, determined to punish his refractory patrons, backed through the bridge rudder-first, an expedient which, as our fat punning friend remarked, "could only have been resorted to from stern necessity." Let no "Hurrah!" shouted the crowds upon the bridges. "Bang! bang!" went the little pop guns on both sides as we passed; and so -like "the devil's hogs," with "much cry and little wool"-we came close up to Putney. Let no one ask us what we saw? one fancy that we saw not all that was to be seen. Suffice it to say that I took my umbrella, and used it-that I expected fun, and found it-that I went eager, and returned satisfied-and that I saw a scene worth a lack of rupees. Imagine a dolt of a husband-a flirt of a wife-and a jackanapes of a lover-all in a nondescript kind of boat. "There they go"-shouts the husband-"Cambridge wins in a canter-Five shillings from you, Dobbs-let you off for four-cash down-There they go-now Oxford -work yer heart out-Now or never-Dobbs-Dobbs-my glass"up goes a telescope to his eye, and as the eye fits to the little peephole, Dobbs pulls the boat's head round, and leaning forward with the effort, inflicts on the unhappy wife, close to the back of her confiding husband, A CIRCUMSTANTIAL KISS. water-scene!" quoth I! "Oh!" said the fat man, leaning on the handrail of the boat, and gazing at the trio with all his eyes-"Oh! that is a splendid specimen of "RIVER CRAFT." NO. V.-VOL. I. -NEW SERIES. WILDRAKE. 3 E |