finger in the pie, and as the Lord-Chancellor said, and I presume did, in the House o' Lords-" on my bended knees, I implore you to pass this bill!"'1

[The SHEPHERD kneels before TICKLER and presents to him a plateful of the Pie.

Tickler (returning to the administration). James, we have conquered, and we are reconciled.

North. Trumpets!

[Three trumpet cheers. Gurney (rushing in alarm from the ear of Dionysius). Gentlemen, the house is surrounded by a mob of at least fifty thousand Reformers, who with dreadful hurrahs are shouting for blood.

Shepherd. Fifty thousan'! Wha counted the radical rascals? Gurney. I conjecture their numbers from their noise. For Heaven's sake, Mr North, do not attempt to address the mob

North. Trumpets!

[Three trumpet cheers. Gurney (retiring much abashed into his ear). Miraculous! Ambrose (entering with much emotion). Mr North, I fear the house is surrounded by the enemies of the constitution, demanding the person of the Protector

Shepherd. Trumpets!

[Three trumpet cheers. Exit AMBROSE, in astonishment. North. Judging from appearances, I presume dinner is over. Shepherd. A'm stawed.

North. There is hardly any subject which we have not touched, and not one have we touched which we did not adorn.

Shepherd. By subjecks do you mean dishes? Certes, we have discussed a hantle o' them-some pairtly, and ithers totally; but there's food on the brodd yet sufficient for a score o' ordinar men

Tickler. And we shall have it served up, James, to supper. Shepherd. Soun' doctrine. What's faith without warks? North. Now, gentlemen, a fair start. Draw up on my right, James-elbow to elbow. Tickler, your place is on the

1 Lord Brougham concluded his speech on Parliamentary Reform, October 7, 1831, in the following terms:-"I pray and exhort you not to reject this measure. By all you hold most dear-by all the ties that bind every one of us to our common order, and our common country, I solemnly adjure you, I warn you, I implore,—yea, on my bended knees, I supplicate you-Reject not this Bill." 2 Stawed-surfeited.

VOL. III.

T

290

FOUL PLAY.

extrême gauche. You both know the course.

The hearth-rug

of the Snuggery's the goal. All ready? Away!

[The start is the most beautiful thing ever seen-and all Three at once make play.

Scene II.-The Snuggery.

Enter NORTH in his Flying Chair, at the rate of the Derby, beating, by several lengths, TICKLER and the SHEPHERD, now neck and neck.

North (pulling up as soon as he has passed the Judges' stand). Our nags are pretty much on a par, I believe, in point of condition, but much depends, in a short race, on a good start, and there the old man showed his jockeyship.

Shepherd. 'Twas a fause start, sir-'twas a fause start-I'll swear it was a fause start, till ma deein day—for I hadna gotten mysel settled in the saiddle, till ye was aff like a shot, and afore I could get intil a gallop, you was half way across the flat o' the saloon.

North. James, there could be no mistake. The signal to start was given by Saturn himself; and

Shepherd. And then Tickler, afore me and him got to the fauldin-doors, after some desperate crossin and jostlin, I alloo, on baith sides, ran me clean aff the coorse, and I had to make a complete circle in the bow-window or I could get the head o' my horse pinted again in a richt direction for winnin the race. Ca' ye that fair? I shall refer the haill business to the decision o' the Jockey Club.

North. What have you to say, Tickler, in answer to this very serious charge?

Tickler. Out of his own mouth, sir, I convict him of conduct that must have the effect of debarring the Shepherd from ever again competing for these stakes.

Shepherd. For what steaks? Do you mean to mainteen, you brazen-faced neerdoweel, that I am never to be alloo'd again to rin Mr North frae the saloon to the Snuggery for ony steaks we choose, or chops either? Things 'ill hae come to a pretty pass, when it sall be necessar to ask your leave to start-you blacklegs.

Tickler. He's confessed the crossing and jostling.

Shepherd. You lee. Wha began't? We started sidey-bysidey, ye see, sir, frae the rug afore the fire, where we was a'

SHEPHERD AND TICKLER DISTANCED.

291

three drawn up, and just as you was gaun out o' sicht atween the pillars, Tickler and me ran foul o' ane anither at the nor’east end o' the circular. There was nae faut on either side there, and am no blamin him, except for ackwardness, which was aiblins mutual. As sune's we had gotten disentangled, we entered by look o' ee, if no word o' mouth, intil a social compact to rin roun' opposite sides o' the table-which we did-and in proof that neither of us had gained an inch on the ither, no sooner had we rounded the south-west cape, than together came we wi' sic a clash, that I thocht we had been baith killed on the spat. There was nae faut on either side there, ony mair than there had been at the nor'-east; but then began his violation o' a' honour; for ha'in succeeded in shovin mysel aff, I was makin for the fauldin-doors-due west-ettlin for the inside, to get a short turn-when whuppin and spurrin like mad, what does he do, but charge me richt on the flank, and drive me, as I said afore, several yards aff the coorse, towards the bow-window, where I was necessitated to fetch a circumbendibus that wad hae lost me the race had I ridden Eclipse. Ca' ye that fair? But it was agreed that we were to be guided by the law of Newmarket, sae I'll refer the haill affair to the Jockey Club.

Tickler. Hear me for a moment, sir. True, we got entangled at the nor❜-west-most true at the sou'-west came we together with a clash. But what means the Shepherd by shoving off? Why, sir, he caught hold of my right arm as in a vice, so that I could make no use of that member, while, at the same time, he locked me into his own rear, and then away he went like a two-year-old, having, as he vainly dreamt, the race in hand by that manœuvre, so disgraceful to the character of the carpet. North. If you please turf.

Tickler. Under such circumstances, was I to consider myself bound by laws which he himself had broken and reduced to a dead letter? No. My subsequent conduct he has accurately described, off the course-for we have a bit of speed in us-I drove him; but as for the circumbendibus in the bow-window, we must believe that on his own word.

Shepherd. And daur you, sir, or ony man breathin' to dout ma word

North. Be calm, gentlemen. The dispute need not be referred to the Club; for, consider you were nowhere.

Shepherd. Eh?

North. You were both distanced.

Shepherd. Baith distanced! Hoo?

Where's the post?

North. The door-post of the Snuggery.

Shepherd. Baith our noses were through afore you had reached the rug. I'll tak ma Bible-oath on't. Werena they, Tickler?

Tickler. Both.

North. Not a soul of you entered this room for several seconds after I had dismounted

Shepherd. After ye had dismounted? Haw! haw! haw! Tickler! North confesses he had dismounted afore he was weighed and has thereby lost the race. Hurrah! hurrah! hurrah! Noo, ours was a dead heat-so let us divide the stakes

Tickler. With all my heart; but we ran for the Gold Cup. Shepherd. Eh! sae we did, man; and yonner it's on the sideboard—a bonny bit o' bullion. Let's keep it year about; and, to prevent ony hargle-barglin about it, let the first turn be mine; oh! but it 'll do wee Jamie's heart gude to glower on't stannin aside the siller punch-bowl I got frae my friend Mr What's the matter wi' ye, Mr North? What for sae doun i' the mouth? Why fret sae at a trifle?

North. No honour can accrue from a conquest achieved by a quirk.

Shepherd. Nor dishonour frae defeat ;-then "prithee why so pale, wan lover? prithee why so pale?"

Tickler. I can hardly credit my senses when I hear an old sportsman call that a quirk, which is in fact one of the foundation-stones of the law of Racing.

Shepherd. I maun gang back for ma shoon.

North. Your shoon?

Shepherd. Ay, ma shoon-I flung them baith in Mr Tickler's face-for which I noo ask his pardon-when he ran me aff the coorse

Tickler. No offence, my dear James, for I returned the compliment with both snuff-boxes

North. Oh! ho! So you who urge against me the objection of having dismounted before going to scale, both confess that you flung away weight during the race!

Shepherd. Eh? Mr Tickler, answer him—
Tickler. Do, James.

Shepherd (scratching his head with one hand, and stroking his chin with the other). We've a' three won, and we've a' three lost. That's the short and the lang o't sae the Cup maun staun' ower till anither trial.

North. Let it be decided now. From Snuggery to Saloon. Shepherd. What? after frae Saloon to Snuggery? That would be reversin the order o' nature. Besides, we maun a' three be unco dry-sae let's turn to, till the table—and see what's to be had in the way o' drink. What'n frutes?

North. These are Ribstons, James-a pleasant apple-
Shepherd. And what's thir?

North. Golden pippins.

Hogg. Sic jargonels! shaped like peeries-and yon Auchans1 (can they be ripe?) like taps. And what ca' ye thae, like great big fir-cones wi' outlandish-lookin palm-tree leaves archin frae them wi' an elegance o' their ain, rouch though they seem in the rin', and aiblins prickly? them?

North. Pine-apples.

What ca' ye

Shepherd. I've aften heard tell o' them-but never clapped een on them afore. And these are pines! Oh! but the scent is sweet, sweet-and wild as sweet-and as wild restorative. I'se tak some jargonels afterwards-but I'll join you noo, sir, in a pair o' pines.

[NORTH gives the SHEPHERD a pine-apple.

Hoo are they eaten?

Tickler. With pepper, mustard, and vinegar, like oysters, James.

Shepherd. I'm thinkin you maun be leein.

Tickler. Some people prefer catsup.

Shepherd. Haud your blethers. Catchup's gran kitchen2 for a' kinds o' flesh, fish, and fule, but for frutes the rule is sugar or naething,”—and if this pine keep the taste o' promise to the palat, made by the scent he sends through the nose, nae extrawneous sweetness will he need, self-sufficient in his ain sappiness, rich as the colour o' pinks, in which it is sae savourily enshrined.- -I never pree'd ony taste half sae delicious as that in a' ma born days! Ribstanes, pippins, jargonels, peaches, nectrins, currans and strawberries, grapes and grozets, a' in ane! The concentrated essence o' a' ither 1 Auchans-a kind of pear.

2 Kitchen-relish.