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'of the greatest beauty and merit: indeed, she had • every imaginable ornament both of mind and body. 'She seemed not to dislike my person: but there were 'two obstructions to our marriage, viz. my religion and 'her poverty: both which might probably have been 'got over, had not those dogs the Christians murdered 'her; and, what is worse, afterwards burnt her body: 'worse I say, because I lost by that means a jewel of 'some value, which I had presented to her, designing, 'if our nuptials did not take place, to demand it of her 'back again.
'Being thus disappointed in my love, I soon after left 'Alexandria, and went to the Imperial city, where I 'apprehended I should find a good market for jewels 'on the approaching marriage of the emperor with 'Athenais. I disguised myself as a beggar on this 'journey, for these reasons: first, as I imagined I should 'thus carry my jewels with greater safety; and secondly, 'to lessen my expences: which latter expedient succeeded 'so well, that I begged two oboli on my way more than 'my travelling cost me, my diet being chiefly roots, and 'my drink water.
'But, perhaps, it had been better for me if I had been 'more lavish, and more expeditious: for the ceremony 'was over before I reached Constantinople; so that I lost 'that glorious opportunity of disposing of my jewels, 'with which many of our people were greatly enriched.
'The life of a miser is very little worth relating, as it 'is one constant scheme of getting or saving money. I 'shall therefore repeat to you some few only of my 'adventures, without regard to any order.
'A Roman Jew, who was a great lover of Falernian 'wine, and who indulged himself very freely with it, came 'to dine at my house; when knowing he should meet with 'little wine, and that of the cheaper sort, sent me in halfa-dozen jars of Falernian. Can you believe I would uot give this man his own wine? Sir, I adulterated it so, that I made six jars of them; three, which he and his friend drank; the other three I afterwards sold to the very person who originally sent them me, knowing he would give a better price than any other.
'A noble Roman came one day to my house in the country, which I had purchased, for half the value, of a distressed person. My neighbours paid him the compliment of some music, on which account, when he departed, he left a piece of gold with me to be distributed among them. I pocketed this money, and ordered them a small vessel of sour wine, which I could not have sold for above two drachmas, and afterwards made them pay in work three times the value of it.
'As I was not entirely void of religion, though I pretended to infinitely more than I had, so I endeavoured to reconcile my transactions to my conscience as well as possible. Thus I never invited any one to eat with me, but those on whose pockets I had some design. After our collation, it was constantly my method to set down in a book I kept for that purpose what I thought they owed me for their meal. Indeed, this was generally a hundred times as much as they could have dined elsewhere for; but, however, it was quid pro quo, if not ad valorem. Now, whenever the opportunity offered of imposing on them, I considered it only as paying myself what they owed me: indeed, I did not always confine myself strictly to what I had set down, however extravagant that was; but I reconciled taking the overplus to myself as usance.
'But I was not only too cunning for others, I sometimes over-reached myself. I have contracted distempers for want of food and warmth, which have put me to the expense of a physician; nay, I once very narrowly escaped death by taking bad drugs, only to save one seven-eighth per cent, in the price. 'By these, and such like means, in the midst of poverty and every kind of distress, I saw myself master of an immense fortune: the casting up and ruminating on which was my daily and only pleasure. This was however obstructed and embittered by two considerations, which against my will often invaded my thoughts. One would have been intolerable (but that indeed seldom troubled me) was, that I must one day leave my darling treasure. The other haunted me continually, viz. that my riches were no greater. However, I comforted myself against this reflection by an assurance that they would increase daily: on which head, my hopes were so extensive, that I may say with Virgil,
'His ego nee metas rerum nee tempera pono.
* Indeed I am convinced, that had I possessed the whole 'globe of earth, save one single drachma, which I had 'been certain never to be master of, I am convinced, I say, 'that single drachma would have given me more uneasi'ness than all the rest could afford me pleasure.
'To say the truth, between my solicitude in contriving 'schemes to procure money, and my extreme anxiety in 'preserving it, I never had one moment of ease while
* awake, nor of quiet when in my sleep. In all the cha'racters through which I have passed, I have never under'gone half the misery I suffered in this, and indeed Minos 'seemed to be of the same opinion: for while I stood 'trembling and shaking in expectation of my sentence, he 'bid me go back about my business; for that nobody was 'to be d—n'd in more worlds than one. And indeed, I 'have since learnt, that the devil will not receive a miser.' CHAPTER XII.
What happened to Julian in the characters of a General, an Heir, a Carpenter, and a Beau.
The next step I took into the world was at Apollonia in Thrace; where I was born of a beautiful Greek slave, who was the mistress of Eutyches, a great favourite of the emperor Zeno. That prince, at his restoration, gave me the command of a cohort, I being then but fifteen years of age; and a little afterwards, before I had even seen an army, preferred me, over the heads of all the old officers, to be a tribune.
'As I found an easy access to the emperor, by means of my father's intimacy with him, he being a very good courtier, or, in other words, a most prostitute flatterer; so I soon ingratiated myself with Zeno, and so well imitated my father in flattering him, that he would never part with me from about his person. So that the first armed force I ever beheld was that with which Martian surrounded the palace, where I was then shut up with the rest of the court
'I was afterwards put at the head of a legion, and ordered to march into Syria, with Theodoric the Goth; that is, I mean my legion was so ordered: for, as to myself, I remained at court, with the name and pay of a general, without the labour or the danger.
'As nothing could be more gay, i.e. debauched, than Zeno's court, so the ladies of gay disposition had great sway in it; particularly one, whose name was Fousta, who, though not extremely handsome, was by her wit and sprightliness very agreeable to the emperor. With her I lived in good correspondence, and we together disposed of all kinds of commissions in the army, not to those who had most merit, but who would purchase at the highest rate. My levee was now prodigiously thronged by officers, who returned from the campaigns; who, though they might have been convinced by daily example, how ineffectual a recommendation their services were, still continued indefatigable in attendance, and behaved to me with as much observance and respect, as I should have been entitled to for making their fortunes, while I suffered them and their families to starve.
'Several poets, likewise, addressed verses to me, in which they celebrated my military achievements; and what, perhaps, may seem strange to us at present, I received all this incense with most greedy vanity, without once reflecting, that as I did not deserve these compliments, they should rather put me in mind of my defects.
'My father was now dead, and I became so absolute in the emperor's grace, that one unacquainted with courts would scarce believe the servility with which all kinds of persons who entered the walls of the palace behaved towards me. A bow, a smile, a nod from me, as I passed through cringing crowds, were esteemed as signal favours; but a gracious word made any one happy; and, indeed, had this real benefit attending it, that it drew on the person, on whom it was bestowed, a very great degree of respect from all others; for these are of current value in courts, and, like notes in trading communities, are assignable from one to the other. The smile of a court favourite immediately raises the person who receives it, and gives a value to his smile when conferred on an inferior; thus the smile is transferred from one to the other, and the great man at last is the person to discount it. For instance, a very low fellow hath a desire for a place. To whom is he to apply? Not to the great man; for to him he hath no access. He therefore applies to A, who is the creature of B, who is the tool of C, who is the flatterer of D,