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who is the catamite of E, who is the pimp of F, who is the bully of G, who is the buffoon of I, who is the husband of K, who is the whore of L, who is the bastard of M, who is the instrument of the great man. Thus the smile descending regularly from the great man to A, is discounted back again, and at last paid by the great man.
'It is manifest, that a court would subsist as difficultly without this kind of coin, as a trading city without paper credit. Indeed, they differ in this, that their value is not quite so certain, and a favourite may protest his smile without the danger of bankruptcy.
'In the midst of all this glory, the emperor died, and Anastasius was preferred to the crown. As it was yet uncertain whether I should not continue in favour, I was received as usual at my entrance into the palace, to pay my respects to the new emperor; but I was no sooner rumped by him, than I received the same compliment from all the rest; the whole room, like a regiment of soldiers, turning their backs to me all at once, my smile was now become of equal value with the note of a broken banker, and every one was as cautious not to receive it.
'I made as much haste as possible from the court, and shortly after from the city, retreating to the place of my nativity, where I spent the remainder of my days in a retired life in husbandry, the only amusement for which I was qualified, having neither learning nor virtue.
* When I came to the gate, Minos again seemed at first doubtful, but at length dismissed me; saying, though I had been guilty of many heinous crimes, in as much as I had, though a general, never been concerned in spilling human blood, I might return again to earth.
'I was now again born in Alexandria, and, by great accident, entering into the womb of my daughter-inlaw, came forth my own grandson, inheriting that fortune which I had before amassed.
'Extravagance was now as notoriously my vice as avarice had been formerly; and I spent, in a very short life, what had cost me the labour of a very long one to rake together. Perhaps, you will think my present condition was more to be envied than my former: but upon my word it was very little so; for, by possessing every thing almost before I desired it, I could hardly ever say, I enjoyed my wish: I scarce ever knew the delight of satisfying a craving appetite. Besides, as I never once thought, my mind was useless to me, and I was an absolute stranger to all the pleasures arising from it. Nor, indeed, did my education qualify me for any delicacy in other enjoyments; so that in the midst of plenty I loathed every thing. Taste for elegance I had none; and the greatest of corporeal blisses I felt no more from, than the lowest animal. In a word, as while a miser I had plenty without daring to use it, so now I had it without appetite.
'But if I was not very happy in the height of my enjoyment, so I afterwards became perfectly miserable; being soon overtaken by disease, and reduced to distress, till at length, with a broken constitution, and broken heart, I ended my wretched days in a gaol: nor can I think the sentence of Minos too mild, who condemned me, after having taken a large dose of avarice, to wander three years on the banks of Cocytus, with the knowledge of having spent the fortune in the person of the grandson, which I had raised in that of the grandfather.
'The place of my birth, on my return to the world, 'was Constantinople, where my father was a carpenter. The first thing I remember was the triumph of Belisariu8: which was, indeed, a most noble shew: but nothing pleased me so much as the figure of Gelimer, king of the African Vandals, who being led captive on this occasion, reflecting with disdain on the mutation of his own fortune, and on the ridiculous empty pomp of the conqueror, cried out, Vanity, Vanity, All Is
'I was bred up to my father's trade, and you may easily believe so low a sphere could produce no adventures worth your notice. However, I married a woman I liked, and who proved a very tolerable wife. My days were passed in hard labour, but this procured me health, and I enjoyed a homely supper at night with my wife with more pleasure than I apprehend greater persons find at their luxurious meals. My life had scarce any variety in it, and at my death, I advanced to Minos with great confidence of entering the gate: but I was unhappily obliged to discover some frauds I had been guilty of in the measure of my work, when I worked by the foot, as well as my laziness, when I was employed by the day. On which account, when I attempted to pass, the angry judge laid hold on me by the shoulders, and turned me back so violently, that had I had a neck of flesh and bone, I believe he would have broke it.'
Julian passes into a Fop.
'My scene of action was Home. I was born into a 'noble family, and heir to a considerable fortune. On which my parents, thinking I should not want any talents, resolved very kindly and wisely to throw none away upon me. The only instructors of my youth were therefore one Saltator, who taught me several motions for my legs; and one Ficus, whose business was to shew me the clearest way (as he called it) of cutting off a man's head. When I was well accomplished in these sciences, I thought nothing more wanting, but what was to be furnished by the several mechanics in Rome, who dealt in dressing and adorning the Pope, Being therefore well equipped with all which their art could produce, I became at the age of twenty a complete finished beau. And now during forty-five years I dressed, I sang and danced, and danced and sang, I bowed and ogled, and ogled and bowed, till, in the sixty-sixth year of my age, I got cold by overheating myself with dancing, and died. 'Minos told me as I was unworthy of Elysium, so I was too insignificant to be damned, and therefore bade me walk back again.'
Adventures in the person of a Monk.
'Fortune now placed me in the character of a younger 'brother of a good house, and I was in my youth sent 'to school; but learning was now at so low an ebb 'that my master himself could hardly construe a sen'tence of Latin; and as for Greek, he could not read 'it. With very little knowledge therefore, and with 'altogether as little virtue, I was set apart for the
'church, and at the proper age commenced monk. I 'lived many years retired in a cell, a life very agree* able to the gloominess of my temper, which was much 'inclined to despise the world: that is, in other words, 'to envy all men of superior fortune and qualifications, 'and in general to hate and detest the human species. 'Notwithstanding which, I could, on proper occasions, 'submit to flatter the vilest fellow in nature, which I 'did one Stephen an eunuch, a favourite of the emperor 'Justinian II., one of the wickedest wretches whom 'perhaps the world ever saw. I not only wrote a 'panegyric on this man, but I commended him as a 'pattern to all others in my sermons, by which means 'I so greatly ingratiated myself with him, that he intro'duced me to the emperor's presence, where I prevailed 'so far by the same methods, that I was shortly taken 'from my cell, and preferred to a place at court. I 'was no sooner established in the favour of Justinian 'than I prompted him to all kinds of cruelty. As I was 'of a sour morose temper, and hated nothing more than 'the symptoms of happiness appearing in any counte'nance, I represented all kinds of diversion and amuse'ment as the most horrid sins. I inveighed against 'cheerfulness as levity, and encouraged nothing but 'gravity, or, to confess the truth to you, hypocrisy. The 'unhappy emperor followed my advice, and incensed 'the people by such repeated barbarities, that he was 'at last deposed by them and banished.
'I now retired again to my cell (for historians 'mistake in saying I was put to death), where I 'remained safe from the danger of the irritated mob, 'whom I cursed in my own heart as much as they could 'curse me.
'Justinian after three years of his banishment, re'turned to Constantinople in disguise, and paid me a