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While the conflict was raging on the walls, sed the basis of these speculations, but have where the loud sounds and fashing weapons been finally overrun and extirpated by the seened but the similitude of the overhanging Tartaric hordes, which, according to our thunder and the vivid lightning, Azelmic, his priests and body-yuards, prepared to protect supposition, would be continually moving their god and temple to the last; in their de- downwards from the northern regions. If spair and wild devotion, they took the golden they had been the first inhabitants, we should statue of their deity from its pedestal, and with naturally expect to find remains of cities in massive chains of the same metal to secure it, all the other parts of the hemisphere into and with huge nails driven through perforated which they by degrees spread: but far from holes in the feet, they thus fastened it to the this being the case, the ruins, comparatively broad summit of the great altar of the nation !" -Page 374.
speaking, lie within an extremely narrow
compass. Mr. Jones expresses violent but just in
It is now requisite to give some extracts dignation at the conduct of Alexander in illustrative of the peculiarities of the aucrucifying two thousand of the citizens thor's style, which exposes the most unafter the siege, but it should be observed blushing vanity with a confiding naiveté that Arrian does not mention this circum- that is very amusing. We will begin with stance; it rests solely upon the authority of the following, from the introduction to the Diodorus and Quintus Curtius; and, even
third chapter : if true, there is some palliation, though no
“ To support these startling assertions, to excuse, in the reflection, that the Tyrians make their truth apparent to the reader, to had themselves previously violated the law convince his understanding and crush ali of nations and become the aggressors, by doubts, that even History may place the volmurdering the envoys despatched to themume within her archives, requires a basis of during the siege by Alexander.
argument which shall be rock-built, that the We learn from Curtius that the Sidonians superstructure about to be raised, while it incarried away fifteen thousand of the ill-fated shafts or criticism ; but as a strong-cemented
vites, may yet resist (not defy) the storms and inhabitants of Tyre in their ships, and this edifice requires the warm influence of the sun mourning squadron is conducted by Mr. to secure ihe component parts, so do we look Jones, as the sagacious reader will have an- for the sun-smile from the just and mild eye of ticipated, down the Mediterranean. They the true critic, which will not only glance upon touch at“ The Fortunate Isles," where the only one part of the composition, but view each friendly Sidonians leave them; but hearing tire building; and when the edifice is finished,
as required to form the consistency of the enrumors of Alexander's implacable resent- whether the entablature will remain blank or mert, they cast off again into the wide bear our humble name, is not for us to deterocean, and leaving the Old World for ever, mine or command ; yet in reference 10 the latare wafted across the Atlantic into the Bay ter and natural hope the sentiment of the of Honduras. In haste to sacrifice to their senator of Ulica wiil direct us, that if we can. tutelary god, they resort to the very foolish not 'command success,' at least we will enexpedient of burning their ships for fire-deavor to 'deserre it.?"- Page 29. wood; and hence their concealnient for so many ages. All this is strikingly original, various dissertations upon the fine arts will
The following specimen of the author's and may be satisfactory to ingenious minds! be sufficient, even for the warmest admirer
Having thus followed our author as brief- of the Maturin school :ly as possible through his various theories, we cannot profess ourselves converts to his “Sculpture has a more harmonious voice faith, although we readily bear testimony to than that of her stern consort (Architecture); his ingenuity and the pleasure to be derived the graceful bride, whose rock-ribbed cradle from some parts of the volume. We still was amid the Parian hills, whose virgin youth are disposed to consider, with some of the reposed upon the halcyon marble of Penteli
cus, has a voice of warm, yet chaste simplicity; authors cited, that America was peopled by her tones are as sweet, as from lips first nourthe nations of eastern Asia viâ Behring's ished on Hymettus' hill. Yet at times they Straits; but we admit it to be possible that speak with all the solemnity, of her consort, the Tyrians, although not the original colo- around whom she fondly clings, as the ivy nists, may, as Mr. Jones has suggested, have around the oak; and, like that plant and settled in Mexico, and perhaps for a time character of the marble monarch of the arts,
tree, the sculpture-vine preserves for the
ages subdued the original inhabitants. They even after his broad-spreading authority has might have struggled for existence for some been broken and humbled to the earth by centuries, built the cities which have form-l Time and Desolation; or these two destroy
AUGUST, 1844. 34
ing powers may be viewed as the Regan and Curtius, Abdolonymus. This however is the 'Goneril, while Architecture is the Lear of less consequence than the way in which and Sculpture the Cordelia of the arts." -- Mr. Jones has missed the “philosophical Page 34.
point" of the reply, which in reality was We confess ourselves baffled and out of to this effect :-"May the gods grant me breath. In what sense Time, Desolation, to bear the crown with as tranquil a mind! and Sculpture can be the daughters of For these hands have supplied all my Architecture, more particularly as in the wants, and having nothing I have wanted first part of the paragraph the last of the nothing." three is personified as his bride, is totally
Mr. Jones is an American, and we would incomprehensible. There is much more of wish to treat him and his works with that the same sort.
courtesy and urbanity which foreign, and
particularly American authors are went to "Egypt! my first-born and consort of the receive from the British press; neither Nile ! while thy pyramids and temples shall would we arrogantly exalt our own idioms remain,--and they will even to the final teni
over the transatlantic vernacular; yet in pest of the world, -Thou shalt be identified
spite of all these considerations we must from among all the nations of the earth!
“ Athens! my favorite daughter! until the warn him for the future against such exrock of the Acropolis shall fall, thy classic beau-pressions as ' acknowledges to know,” ties, around which have gleamed the meridian" this distinction is nearly defined from splendor of the mind, will proclaim that Mi- the fact,” “this last sentence cannot be nerva, Plato, Pericles, and Phidias were thy entertained,” etc.—against such sentences own!
as, “ these pictorial efforts of art are on “Palmyra! my third joy ! although the wild Arab sleeps within thy rootless dwelling, with a cloth of unusual thickness, in order to the whirling sands for his mighty mantle, yet, secure stability, for the Mexicans had no while thy porticoes, arches, and colonnades other written records but, which may now shall be seen, the city of the desert will live in be added from the late discoveries, sculpmemory; for the spirits of Longinus and Zeno- ture:”—and against such paragraphs as bia will be there!
the following: “Rome! my warrior ron! thy ancient glory,” etc. etc. - Page 35.
“ The hieroolyphics on the altar and idol of
Copan (ride last section) in a similar manner The occasion of these passionate apos- demonsirate these sculptures to be of a relitrophes is that they are supposed to be gious character, but that fact does not preclude the bitter outpourings of Architecture and the association of historical events-they were Sculpture, the parents of these ruined so introduced and incorporated by the Egyp
tians and the ancients in order to defy those cities.
events: and hy thus rendering a sacristy of Mr. Jones's inaccuracy is sometimes sur character 10 the hero or the glory, to give them prising. In his account of the submission both (in their belief) an earthly, or rather ceof Sidon to Alexander, he says
lestial immortality.” “In compliment to his favorite Hephæstion, As a parting word of advice we would the Conqueror allowed him to appoint whom bid him remember that he pleased for king of Sidon." Hephæstion thereupon selected a poor man of the capital
“Where so much difficulty lies, by the name of Strato, and instantly raised
The doubtful are the only wise;" him to the dignity of Sidonian sovereign. The and that in treating such recondite and, at mendicant was a remote branch of the royal best, uncertain subjects as those he has house, but had been unjustly degraded by the chosen, modest indecision and the most reigning monarch. king had his first interview with Alexander, careful deliberation can scarcely be too aphis grateful remark was—I pray that Apollo parent, while their opposites are certain to will enable you, Alexander, to bear prosperity be condemned. with the same fortitude with which I have struggled with adversity!' The Macedonian highly applauded the philosophical point of the remark, and secured him in his new posses
THE DEBTS OF THE LATE DUKE OF SALE sion."— Pages 342, 343.
COBURG Gotha.—The Times states, in the most
distinct and emphatic terms, that the reports It happens unfortunately that Strato was which are in circulation relative to the Duke of the name of the then king of Sidon, whom the slightest foundation. Instead of being in debt,
Saxe Gotha dying in debt are false, and without Alexander deposed, while the name of the the Duke left his eldest son money to the amount hero of the legend was, according to Quintus of £300,000, after the payment of his debts.
THE ILL-HUMORIST ; OR, OUR RECANTA-way most frequently, and affords us the greatTION.
est number of occasions for exhibiting our
spleen. We have known a man keep a threeFrom the New Monthly Magazine,
legged stool in his study, for no earthly pur
pose but to knock bis shins against and swear Oh, I am stabbed with laughter.
at. Upon the same principle many people keep commendation with it. We therefore trust that the discovery have something to execrate for every broken
[A voluntary confession of error has always a certain re- cats and dogs in their houses, that they may fault we have fallen into respecting the “ Humor" in which saucer, and to cuff and kick whenever they we have written, will be properly appreciated by a discerning | meet it on the stairs. This is the true reason public. EDUTOR
that pets are often the most odious creatures We are weary of good humor, heartily tired of their species; the animal is maintained at of mirth; we are resolved, in short, to be con
considerable expense, expressly because it is ical no more. The Tragic Muse shall have mischievous and detestable, thus providing us us all to herself. The Blue Devils take us !
with a perennial theme for vituperation, and
the exercise of our irascible dispositions. Nay, For all man's life me-seems a tragedy
we often see this system extended to the huFull of sad sights and sore cat'strophes; man race, and servants and other dependants First coming to the world with weeping eye, retained in an establishment, purposely to Where all bis days, like dolorous trophies, keep the temper of the master or mistress up Are heap't with spoils of fortune and of fear, to ihe boiling point. This is the use of a And he at last laid forth on baleful bier.*
Smike to a Squeers. Smike was a well-conThere shall be no more “cakes and ale” ir ditioned simpleton; but many a mischievous we can help it. Our part in future shall be and incorrigible brat escapes expulsion from with virtue and Malvolio ; we mean to give school, because he ensures some epicure of a Sir Andrew Ague-cheek warning, and clasp pedagogue the daily exercise of his verberose Sir Andrew Agnew to our heart. If there propensities. An urchin of this description is shall be any more ale, it shall be “ bitter ale," the schoolmaster's pet-boy ; not all the good and our cup shall be that of Tantalus. scholars in the academy afford him half the
The grievances of Englishmen are, in sad satisfaction which he derives from this one inearnest, the dearest privileges they possess.
corrigible favorite. Our patriots of former days committed a griev.
This pleasure to be found in pain, this good ous blunder in bringing in their Bill of Rights. in evil, this source of joy discoverable in the A Bill of Wrongs would have been infinitely very stream of sorrow, is precisely what is figmore popular, and immeasurably more in unitý ured by the diamond in the reptile's head. with the tasies and feelings of the country. The true rights of a Briton are his wrongs, for
Sweet are the uses of adversity;
Which, like the toad, ugly and venomous, he is never so pleased ils when he is atilicied,
Still wears a precious jewel in his head. and never so discontented as when cause for grumbling he has none. Dogberry was a genuine son of Albion, albeit ihe great dra- Discontent is the jewel of adversity; tears are matisi, in his caprice, claps us down that pink literally pearls: and there is no gold to be of constables in ihe streets of Messina. With compared to the “ gold of affliction," as a cele
brated impost in the Lower Empire was apwhat satisfaction and vain-glory does he not describe himself as “a man who has had his propriately designated. Why is Ireland, for losses !" The losses of many a man are worth example, called the his profits told ten times over.
What he gains
First flower of the earth, subjects him to envy, increases his cares, aug
And first gem of the sea, menis his responsibilities and temptations; but what he loses (in addition to all the moral but because she is always in tribulation, and benefits resulting from the abstraction of so for ever in the dumps? Her true emerald is much filthy lucre,) has the enormous advan- her distress; robbed of that she would be tage of furnishing him with a good cosus belli robbed of her reputation, and reduced to povwith the world, and a fair quarrel with the erty indeed. A “good distress” makes the lady of the ever-spinning wheel.
of a tragic poet, and in this respect Can there be a better proof of the prevailing most men resemble the priests of Melpomene; fashion for grievances, than the precarious they love a "good distress" prodigiously. It hold which reformers have had in all ages is evident from the wild schemes and impracupon the affections of their fellow-citizens? ticable objects that we are continually proposThe love of abuses springs from the love of|ing, or in quest of, that we actually seek to be having something to abuse. To be abusing disappointed, knowing how sweet it is to talk somebody or something the live-long day, is of blighted hopes and rail at Fortune. How an enjoyment not to be dispensed with by often do we not subscribe to mad speculations, those who have once tasted it; and the abuse and invest every shilling of our capital in the highest in favor is that which comes in our airiest bubbles, seemingly out of an abstract
love of ruin. A ruined fortune would seem to Spenser's " Tears of the Muses." be as attractive as the ruin of an abbey or a
castle in a landscape. In like manner we ex- I lishman is solid as his own food, and grave as pect impossibilities from our children, and his own mustard-pot. We eat melancholy make the most unreasonable requests of our meat, drink melancholy drink, and melancholy friends, merely to qualify ourselves to deplore has “marked us for her own." filial ingratitude, and protest that friendship is It is the most preposterous thing is the but a name.
world for us to keep a retinue of wits, and The place-hunter may possibly derive some such an immense establishment of jesiers. slight advantage from gaining his suit and a Next year it will not be our fault if there is not situation: but how much happier is he who is a “ Tragic Almanack," and our resolution is in a condition to accuse the perfidy of a niinis taken to establish a - Tragic Annual ” liketer, and revile the government all his days? wise, and perhaps baprize the New Monthly In matters of religion, it is well known, that anew by the title of the "ILL-HUMORIST. the way to gratify the zealot is to persecute We shall publish at Charing Cross, and we him. The enthusiast loves the country where expect all grave people will promote and engood fires are kept to warm, and even occa- courage our undertaking. It wil be our sionally to roast him. Toleration freezes him, study to suit the ill-temper of the times, and and perfect religious liberiy is like sending we shall endeavor to engage the services of him io Siberia. We have a shrewd notion Mr. Croker. In fact, it will be a sort of rethat the most miserable country imaginable is vival of "Fog's Journal." that which Sir Thomas More discovered, and With a view to these projects we have called Utopia. We would not be Utopians already commenced forming a library. It for all the world; but as we meditate a formal contains, attack upon that dull nation at a future oppor: Burton's Anatomy of The Mourning Bride. tunity, we shall say no more of them, or their sad prosperity, at present.
The Distressed Mo. Melancholy.
Zimmerman on Soli ther. He that will take the trouble of measuring
tude. the L'ALLEGRO with the Il PENSEROSO, will
Memoirs of Grim.
Thomson's Winter. McWhineon the Lamfind the latter poem some score of verses lon
entations. ger than the former, an apt illustration of the The Dance of Death. truth that the catalogue of human troubles is Young's Night Tho'ts. Ovid's Tristia. longer by twenty grievances than the list of Hervey's Meditations. The Trials of Marga
The Sorrows of Werhuman satisfaciions. We are deterniined,
ret Lyndsay. ter.
Stories of Shipwrecks therefore, to be merry no longer.
and Tales of ConilaThere's such a charm in melancholy,
The Newgate Calen grations. We would not, if we could, be gay.
'The Elegies of Tibul- The Practice or Courts What costs and trouble we have been at in lus.
of Equiry. the quest of gayeties, while sorrows and tribulations might have been had in bushels, as
With this lamentable library, and a corps of plenty and cheap as blackberries! It is to be the sourest fellows, drinkers of vinegar and feared that we have hitherto committed a eaters of lemons, to be met wiih in the saddest gross mistake in catering for the supposed streets, the most lugubrious lanes, and the public appetite for mirth. We have forgotien crossest couris in London, we hope to make the luxury of woe! We have overlooked the the “Ill-Humorist” a most fascinating magmost striking fact in the philosophy of the hu- azine. We have already retained three eleman mind, -namely, the love of grierance. giac barus to do the poetry, and the same From this error have arisen the Comic Alma- number of grievance-mongers to manage the nacks, Comic Annuals, and all Comic Miscel- political department. Our editor will always lanies of the day. Even the Latin Grammar be habiled in a sorry suit; our "sub" will has been made a farce of, and laughter ex wear green and yellow, those being the colors tracted from “ As in Presenti." "Punch" has which Shakspeare assigns to njelancholy; even distilled smiles from law-books; which our devils will be blue, il we can procure them, proves that sunbeams are producible from cu- if not we shall advertise for sad boys; and at cumbers. One would suppose that England the door of our office will be stationed a pair of was still the "merry England” of the days of the most dismal mutes to be found in the meRobin Hood and the Round Table. One would tropolis. We shall appear in a drab cover, think that we English were a giggling, grin- with a huge cross, or vinegar-cruet for our de ning, joking, light-hearted people, insiead of vice, with the moito, the plodding, grumbling, tax-paying nation It will make you melancholy, Monsieur Jacques that we are. What have we to do with fun and frolic? We who live on melancholy beef, There will be a letter-box (illuminated with and have our being in solid plum-pudding, weeping gas) always open to receive the sighs what have ve 10 do with kickshaws, entre of lovers, the tears of schoolboys, the commets, and trifles ? Our centre is the centre of plaints of' wives, the recriminations of husgravity, and those who would have us spin on bands, the wails of the disappointed, the grunts the centre of levity, mistake ihe mechanism of of the disaffected, the moans of manufacturers, our national character altogether. The Eng-the groans of the farmers. It shall not be
our fault if we do not deserve to be groaned, cating our eyes end noses for the purpose, and and merit the rueful countenance of the pub- if a single annoyance escapes our notice, we lic. Moor ditch shall not be more melancholy engage to return the money to
our subthan we, or a drone of a Lincolnshire bagpipe scribers. more doleful. The cries of London shall find To recommend ourselves to fine gentlemen a faithful echo in our pages, and we shall make and young men of spirit, there will be a black engagements with the criers of all the courts list published in every number, of those disof justice in England, so as to ensure returns creditable tradesmen and shop-keepers who of all the wrongs and hardships that suitors keep accounts, and have the assurance to send and offr:nders sustain at the hands of judges in their bills. and juries. Instead of paying a penny a line There will always be a pitiful story by Moody, for murders and great fires, we shall give the illustrated by Scowl, or a tale by Mrs. Wliimsame handsome sum per word, including conper, with a design by Wasp. We invite conjunctions and pronouns. All who rail at rail-tributions, but a single stroke of pleasantry, or ways will do well to savor us with their con- the slightest evidence of good-humor, will be tributions, for it is our fixed determination to l'atal to any writer who desires to appear in be always rich in land-slips, collisions, and ex- our pages. Nobody shall shine in the “Ilplosions. In general strikes we shall endea- humorist.” Instead of paying by the joke or vor to be as striking as possible. Il' we fail, it the smile, we shall pay by the rub or the will not be for lack of failures, for our columns frown. Our contents must be discontents, or shall be rich in insolvencies, and we are re-mal-contents. solved to break ourselves in bankruptcies. The discontents of the first number will be
A portion of our space will be devoted to as follows: rural and agricultural affairs. We have a 1. The Shocking Condition of England project for cultivating the cypress in this coun- Question. By Sir Gloomy Grumble, Bart., try, and encouraging the growth of rue and M. P. wormwood. As to our English corn, it will be 2. Sharpe upon Acids. our constant care to tread upon it: we shall 3. The Perils and Dangers of the Streets of thrash the question of the corn-laws, and raise London. the animating cry of “Dear Bread;" while in 4. Ode to Dissatisfaction. Ireland we shall maintain, support, and defend 5. An Essay on Sighs. By Dieaway Sob, the Corn-Exchange, that Delphos of discon- Esq. tent, and Dodona of dissatisfaction. As to 6. The Natural History of the Weeping Oakes, we care hut little for any branch of the Willow. By Professor Lorn. family except old Titus, who catered so well 7. The Seven Woes. By the Rev. John in his day for our national love of a supper of Fright. Author of the “Waters of Mara," horrors. "We shall ourselves be always well and the “Day of Vengeance.” supplied with plots and conspiracies, and trea 8. Disasters by Land and Sea. son alone shall nourish in our pages. Wein 9. Life and Adventures of Mr. Diggory tend to be the greatest alarmists in England, Doleful, with his continual falls and downfalls, and our reallers will see a French navy or a misdoings and undoings, losses and crosses, Russian squadron in every fleet of fishing- evictions and convictions, moanings and groanboats they perceive in the offiny. Every ings, his voes, foes, throes, blows, from his month there will be a report of a terrible first cry 10 his last sigh. By Miserrimus earthquake in some part of ihe country or ano- Moody, illustrated by Scowl. ther. We shall prove this to be the most vol. canic corner of the globe, and we shall have correspondents in Wales and Cumberland who will give us daily accounts of wolves and avalanches. Then Perkins's steam-gun shall burst once a fortnight at least, and the blowing up of the few public men whose loss is likely to afflict the nation, shall be recorded mi Diving Berl.-On the 21st of April, a chemist Butely.
of Paris descended to the bottom of the Seine in The markets will be carefully watched-the a diving-bell, which weighed nearly a thousand Desh of donkeys detected in the veal, horse-pounds, (plusieurs centimes de kilogrammes,) and Aesh in the beef, kiitens in rabbits, crows in remained nearly half an hour under the water.
The bell contained a chemical apparatus, by pigeons, and hemlock in every sprig of pars- means of which he absorbed the carbonic acid gas, ley.
We promise to keep public attention for and secured a supply of oxygen and hydrogen, so ever alive to the adulterations of bread and as to maintain the atmosphere within the bell in a every other necessary of life. There will be fit state for supporting animal life. The experia sharp eye into every copper kettle in Lon- ment succeeded perfectly, and there is every readon, and it will be a small speck of verdigris son to believe that a person may descend with the thai will elude our sagacity. Our magazine apparatus in such a bell to a depth of one hundred will be a vast assistance to the magistrates and fifty feet below the surface of the sea, and and police, by pointing out a thousand street remain there for an indefinite time. The invennuisances which, with all their acuteness, they tion promises to be of much advantage in the pearl have as yet no notion of. We have been edu- / and coral fisheries.